What now? Where next?

Answers on a postcard please. I implore you. Is she melting down, you wonder?? Um YUH. I'm making myself ccccccrazyyyy.

N.B - Just a heads up to those hoping for some light, cheery reading .. you may wanna give this one a miss!

This is something that I have been giving great thought to since my time here is coming to a rapid end. I've often gone with the philosophy - 'JUMP IN, BE SCARED, STICK WITH IT TIL IT GETS FUN'.. which by the way was not a rousing success this time around. I've been secretly waiting for that one moment that might make this all worth it. Obviously I love and adore all my kiddies to bits and they've got me through the loooong days but the truth is that Valladolid is just NOT the most wonderful place in the world. I know lots of the townsfolk have lived here all their life and have relatively few or no complaints, but is that just because they've never known any different? The wide world of flamin' hot Monster Munch and Nandos is unknown to them. I have come to the conclusion, that the ones who find it so spiffingly splendiferous should absolutely have their heads examined! As should I for coming here in the first place. 

Ok so it's not a cess pool which is the way I know I am making it sound ..and true there have been some beautifully sunshiney days of late (ALERT THE MEDIA! Valladolid isn't always the city of wind and winter that I believed it to be) but it has never felt like a home away from home. You know what hits me the hardest? That I could have been elsewhere all along. I've been fortunate enough to have journeyed to some small slices of heaven here on Earth. Yet I can't shake the feeling that I have achieved nothing of substance.

I thought I was a self-sufficient woman.. but who am I kidding? I can't even reach to get a glass down from the shelf above our sink. And I'm not too hot on cleanliness either, sorry to any prospective hubbies out there. Date me at your own PERIL.

  

And so I sit here staring at my jaffa cake, contemplating the dire situation I find myself in. The Secret would have me visualise the reality I want but when you don't know what that is - where do you begin? I have just not recognised myself at all here and spent too much time feeling all 'woe is me' and pitiful. As the weeks and months crawl by it became glaringly obvious that I made a massive (more like MORONIC) error in judgment agreeing to take this job in Spain. 

My life, I willingly turned upside down to come to Spain.. so much so that I don't think I even appreciated how good I had it back home. Though, I wasn't all that happy back there either as I just felt like I was stunted and couldn't progress anymore which is why I jumped at the chance when this challenge abroad came my way. I was reeeeeeally excited to leave England and move abroad to be the 'cool' teacher. 

I credit myself generally on being somewhat of an excellent silver lining finder and the only one I can come up with for my latest predicament is that at least I will get out of this 3rd rate crap factory. As I have declined to continue as a teacher at the Academy next year, I need to get my roller skates on to line something else up. I have to return home to England in July for a short time at least but then who knows ?? I understand the gravity of the situation all too ardently but am not getting any closer to reaching a decision. 

It is made all the more difficult due to my heart tugging me in all different directions: back to Hawaii, Australia, Americaaa, somewhere else in Spain or even South America. They all seem like possibilities as good as any but the notion that in 3 months I'll be out of work is frightening. In what scenario could that be construed as positive? Ideally I intend to venture to some darling little place that will always be dear to my heart.

Let's face it, I'm  on the wrong side of 20 so it's high time to BE A BIG GIRL (short though I may be) and look into all my options carefully. Weigh up all the positives against the negatives and then put it to prayer. I might not be Rianne of rainbows wherever I end up but at least I'll know I'm in the right place at the right time for whatever the reason. Even if it takes me a lifetime to figure out what that is. And although I haven't had a whale of a time day in, day out in Valladolid.. there are lots of precious memories that will stay with me. I'm sure that one day it will be clear why I was supposed to come to this city that isn't so pretty. All experiences are for our gain and I'm grateful for even these ones where I haven't been at my jolliest.