1) 'You should have a decent reason for hating something before you really decide you hate it.' We don't get to have an opinion (or base them on a viewing of an eighties movie) or disdain of something we haven't tried and thus have nothing to compare it to.
2) Don't miss out on any experience that may seem silly and frivolous 'because you're too afraid' when it could be all 'sparkly and exciting' with some great-looking guy. Seize chances to do those things you would ordinarily NEVER do. Throw caution to the wind! 'These are the kind of experiences you regret missing later.'
3) Should you find yourself spending a lot of time not kissing other people, have *the* talk to determine if you are of girlfriend/boyfriend status.'We've been dating a few weeks. Where do we stand? What are we to each other? If another girl asks you out, do you feel free to go?' The likelihood is you already are, if he wants to follow you everywhere and is hanging out in the trees in your garden, waiting for you.
4) Enunciate these chats with your gentleman caller for your bored friend in need of entertainment, who is reading lips outside. At least you'll be tortured together, if your bean-stocking boyf consents to accompany you to the dance and it is as lame as you imagine.
5) The serving of chicken (one can assume) in no way factors into your choice of attending or not attending a social event. Though it often is at these kind of things 'because it's probably cheaper and people eat it.'
6) Take photos a-plenty to chronicle 'once in a lifetime events', including all the boring crap of getting ready that led up to it. Grandmothers will hint until you relent and then 'maybe bind them together, make a flipbook out of them.'
7) 'The guy's supposed to buy the tickets.' Unless the girl likes 'em cheap. Sloppy too-- bald spot, beer gut, you know and the pants that kind of slip down in the back, giving you that good plumber shot. That sends me through the roof.' It's a giant leap backwards for womankind, if we can't even fork out for a date once in a while.
8) 16 year olds who have been hit 'with a pretty stick'; have skin like a baby's ass and with that said, 'there's nothing to primp!' When they look as beautiful as a movie star, their escort won't know his elbow from his oesophagus!
9) Holy mother of destruction, heels hurt! As does hairspray sprayed directly into your eyes, sticking all your eyelashes together. 'Well beauty is pain!' SIDENOTE: Mind that you shield the tacos from such substances.
10) 'There is nothing normal about a back spasm. The very fact that it has the word 'spasm' in it, means it's not normal.' This is a problem that has a solution so stop pretending to be fine, by minimising the discomfort you are evidently in.
11) 'Do not go running out the door when a boy honks. It certainly is not fine. This is not a drive-through. She's not fried chicken.' 'If he wants to take you out, he will walk up to this door and say "good evening" and come inside for a moment like any civilised human being would know to do.' Your nana will be close to running him down with her car if the boy isn't bright enough to abide by these precepts. Oh and don't rush 'a lady never rushes.'
12) How can you possibly leave your only child, 'stranded on the sofa' when they're obviously in pain? You might groan and wince audibly but really you mean 'thank you Mommy.' Whether you're three or thirty three you secretly like having your mama take care of you and tuck you in.
13) 'Really, really happy monkeys' 'holding coconuts and leering' on a 'semi-pornographic' lamp are irreverently funny. But not in the eyes of a snooty gift giver who notices you have cast off their lovely, crystal candlesticks (you didn't have a big use for) in exchange for this 'ridiculous, slightly sinister barroom decoration.'
14) Your gown is gorge when it impresses 2 of the yippy mongrels, who normally can't stand you. 'Great dress.. who's it by?' It makes it all the more delicious when they are envious of your dish of a date!
15) Please don't make us eat mashed banana on toast, like you used to when we were a little girl that got sick; as it looks like something 'someone already ate.' If you feel a need to show your agreeable nature by sampling, you'll realise it is 'even more disgusting than you thought it was gonna be!'
16) I believe the words you're looking for are SLIMY CREEP, when a guy who came to the dance with another girl innuendoises (making up words again) 'so there's still a little room room to play?' So maybe they shouldn't be asking for your number or hitting on you.
17) We really do enjoy teasing and toying with our Mums. Yet a sincere compliment ('you did a lovely job. With Rory and the dress.') from the not-really-into-mushy-wushy things, stoic woman who birthed us means so much more than we will ever let on.
18) The blurting out of information you'd hoped to be kept secret (i.e: how your mother had to ask your cousin to take you to the dance and pay for gas as you couldn't find a date) is a crowd pleaser. Particularly when the very person with said secret is the one (who is a huge horses heiney and loathes you) to screech it out at the top of their lungs, not knowing it had not been divulged. 'Go ahead. Tell them.' 'I don't have to, you just did.'
19) A suited and booted boy is filled with jackassness, should he be under the misbelief that he can act tough when wearing a tie! 'It'd be like fighting an accountant!'
20) A whippersnapper that does nothing but insult you and make you miserable, most definitely 'has a thing for you.' Thusly, he shall try to poach you from your 'big, strong protector' lest he is warned to never go near you.
21) The whole defending your honour 'is very boyfriendy, but only in the broadest sense of the word.' You needn't worry that the discussion you've been avoiding will be difficult, as he'll want to be your real boyfriend and so it's settled.
22) There's no explaining being caught in a compromising position, when 2 spooning teenagers sleep out all night and are found by a group of women the next morning in a dance studio. 'You shouldn't be anywhere near my house right now.' As perfectly innocent as it was, smoke will be exhumed from ears!!!
23) The frantic yelling that ensues on awaking to 'the feeling of complete terror when your kid isn't in her bed in the morning' will not help. 'Just try to be calm until we know what happened.' Your protective maternal instincts kick in as you stand up for your good, smart child who won't ruin her life.
24) Accidental situations can look so much worse in the harsh, cold light of day. 'WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? STAYING OUT ALL NIGHT! ARE YOU INSANE?' When your mother is 'the Queen of staying out all night' and she 'invented the concept', 'You can't do this. Period.' then as amazing as your relationship may be she might not believe that nothing happened.
25) Oh, what a bad (next) day your wonderful, perfect night of dancing and talking with your newly appointed boyfriend can turn into! 'I'm sorry that I screwed up and I'm sorry that you got yelled at, but I didn't do anything and you know it!'