A treasure trove of joviality

DAY 5 - 

THE LIVING INCARNATION OF EVERY SHOPAHOLIC'S FANTASY - Amy, Mum and I ventured out as a trio to the New Century Global Centre, retail therapy retreat. The boys had to stay behind so they wouldn't miss the wedding rehearsal which meant we could do girl things! I'm not embellishing when I inform you it's currently the largest building in the world, in terms of the 18 million sq feet floor space. So immense is its expanse that it has the capacity for 16 Wembley Stadiums or 20 Sydney Opera Houses, without bursting at the seams. 

A downpour resulted in a slippery to the extreme ground; Amy was unstable on her feet because her flip flops were not suitable footwear for these elements. I clasped her hand so that she would not tumble over. Our brains near enough exploded under the vast, domed roof composed of: an indoor, artificial beach approx 1km long, a hotel with more than 1000 rooms, in excess of 100 shops, an ice rink (which was shut) and Paradise Island water park in addition to restaurants and more besides. Where have you been all my life, baby? 

THE PROMISED LAND OF COMMERCE - Many a mortal must be blown away by the fantastically (albeit pretentious) lavish, marbled foyer - if not by the confronting exterior of the complex itself. Despite the thousands of pairs of shoes entering and exiting day after day, somehow the whole shebang remains perfectly pristine. Even the escalators are laden with gold and a sapphire blue trim flashes visuals of floating jellyfish. 

My happy little face turned sour when the only member of staff  at the water park's ticket counter who did speak English broke the news that it was closed until 5pm. I reacted too loudly to this information as it had been our main purpose for coming and we weren't able to stay so late, needing to be back at the hotel for the 4pm wedding rehearsal. It sucked tremendously that we missed out but we popped in all the same to take a peek at the slides, wave pool and pirate ship. It also accommodates a ropes course, a free fall white water thrill and a family raft ride. Not to mention the astounding 150 metre wide LED large screen poolside; the vivid graphics of oceanscapes, tropical sunsets and music videos cannot be ignored. 

HOOTS WERE HAD - The Global Eye is a fantastical, crystal glass bridge draped with a rose arch 5 stories up over the central atrium. Allegorically it is told that those who have the daring to cross 'will be endowed with fine wishes and blessings' but a sign alerts that this unnerving rush is 'not for people with heart conditions .. or women in skirts!' There were absolute no indicators on our faces of dread (NOT!!) as we decided to be cool and gutsy; for only a spineless amoeba wouldn't traverse. Clinging onto one another firmly, we chuckled our way to the opposite side and back, sneaking the odd ghastly glance through the transparent overpass. 

Pale skin and perpetual photo taking may have screamed out 'silly tourists!' but nonetheless we carried on like we should be put in a museum of crazy people. Of all people, we bumped into a painting of a hooded Mr Bean digging a grave; so naturally snapshots were captured. We particularly enjoyed the giant murals that allowed us to: pretend we were sunning on a paradisical beach, meeting the Obamas, becoming part of a Wanted poster for unlawful felons, transfigured into angels (with halos on the fritz!) and the distorted, fun house mirrors. Mum was as hilarious as ever when she mimicked terror in front of a great white shark about to devour her and pecking a My Little Pony. 

I CAN'T KEEP THE OLD CHEWER CLOSED - These fools had to use their noggins when it came to ordering lunch without using/knowing/understanding a word of Chinese. It was a struggle even to highlight 'can you speak English?' in my Mandarin phrasebook since the dude shook his head and walked away not serving us. The last measure was to point directly above to the precise dish we fancied and gesture emphatically, using numerical sign language. Somehow it worked and we were left to merrily slurp down our noodle soups. This was followed up with more signalling as we chose our Baskin Robbins chocolate mousse ice cream. The weight I shall gain is a small price to pay for such gooey deliciousness to the tongue! All the while, cutie kids would stop and gasp at us before being made to say 'hello' in English by their parents. We're just too charming and likeable! 

BEING A FUNNY WEIRDO? - After we managed to make our way back to the hotel by taxi .. or rather a guy who led us to his car away from all the neon green genuine taxis (we'd simply shown him Wangjiang's address card) we then rested in the room. Upon receiving a phone call, I answered with a hearty and smart Alec-y 'ni hao' believing it was Jamie or one of the crew. It was not. The receptionist was then under the assumption that I spoke their lingo and gabbled on fluently until I confessed I didn't understand a word. He then switched into the English language to check we hadn't wanted our mini fridge restocked with goodies. I assured him it was fine as we were using it to cool bottles of water and he sweetly apologised for bothering me. I had the biggest laugh! 

Meeting Johannah's relatives was a cheery occasion; they are all so lovely, sincere and teeny but most of them (with the exception of her cousin Ada) couldn't speak a sentence of English, which we reciprocated with our total lack of Chinese comprehension. This made it difficult to communicate aside for shaking hands with a greeting and using friendly facial expressions. In spite of the little we understood purely through Jamie and Johannah's translations, it made for an entertaining evening of levity. I like Johannah's parents a lot and had Jamie explain that in photographs I'd seen of her Mum and Dad with the bride and groom to be that they could pass for Johannah's brother and sister. I think they were flattered!

MY STOMACH HAS BEEN CONQUERED - The night before the big wedding we partook in a family meal, at one of the hotel restaurants with one of those awesome rotating tables, for the dishes we shared. As always there was too much food and hot wheat water but I was at the table loving my first sampling of succulent dragon fruit. I found the consistency and appearance to be similar to kiwi but slightly more tart in taste. A spicy potato type appetiser that turned out not to be potato, blew my tonsils off! My main of veggie fried rice was jolly well special; I don't see how I'll ever revert back to local Chinese takeaways in England now I've savoured the real deal! I think Jamie's new in-laws were touched that I attempted to bid them good night 'w'an an' in their native tongue. What a joy to all spend this time in each others company as our families come together, in a country I never thought I would see. I've missed all the Montigue's being together but it's a blessing that a marriage unites us all as an extended family tomorrow xx

It's the New York of China!

DAYS 3 AND 4 - 

IS THIS REAL LIFE? - Well hot dog, jet lag is hateful! I was wide awake by 3.30am and it was laughing in my face.. thankfully I finally nodded off in the early hours of dawn. Still, I'm holding a spiteful grudge until my energy is revived.. and I have a little more pep in my step! I've dealt with my share of nuts in this life but these hazardous drivers in particular are the craziest nutters. On our way into the city centre, a taxi put the pedal to the medal, knocking a girl clean off her moped. She was shell shocked but not injured; it was as awful as it sounds to see it happen so rapidly before us. 

A shroud of hazy pollution was cast across the land of abundance as we set off to Chunxi Road on our city exploration day. In the capital of the Sichuan Province, this business district is dubbed the 100 Year Gold Street and cluttered in excess of 700 shops. The obnoxiously wealthy will have so much fun blowing thousands at the designer stores - Gucci, Prada, Tiffany's and Jimmy Choo with their diamond-encrusted shoes! The wallet wants what the wallet wants. Our eyes just bugged out at the costly apparel and *the* most gleaming, polished flooring inside a shopping centre. 

The Excellent Eight descended on Daci Monastery, an ancient temple just around the corner from Tai Koo Li; it was originally constructed at the time of the East Han Dynasty. Daci dispenses a more zen refuge away from the clamour. Golden Chinese characters and legendary folklore dragons are incorporated into the architecture of the religious sanctum. It's very moving to survey those devout in the Buddhist denomination, pray and worship here with all their soul, as they kneel on the cushions before the Laughing Buddha shrines. In the courtyard, candles blaze brilliantly and vaporous incense is burnt as wishes are sent up to their deity; who steadfast believers have faith will grant them with wealth and happy families. 

I WANT TO HAVE MY CAKE AND EAT IT TOO - Our table was jam-packed with too many servings of true Sichuan cuisine and floral water at our lunch spot. Upon witnessing our very English, feeble chopstick handling, the waitress soon swapped these over for Western cutlery for the majority of The Montigue family. I largely don't know what I ate but I relished my bites of many dishes; something containing aubergine and a thick noodles recipe specifically were another level of greatness! A fave of our brood seemed to be the pork belly with a lemon slice. I discovered I DO NOT LIKE DUMPLINGS as they are deceptively unpleasant but I was one of the few partial to the tofu cubes which taste scrambled eggy to my tastebuds. Like it's so horrible to scoff such a gorgeous pud of hubba hubba fruity ice cream cake. (!) How is that NOT so impressive? I also learnt how to politely say thank you 'xie xie' which to my ears sounds similar to 'shear shear'. 

The tribe tubed to Tianfu Square to suss out what was once the site of an Imperial Palace. Metro security angered me by tossing Amy's sun lotion, body spray and Mum's insect repellent into the bin; all because the bottles were labelled with flammable warnings. Johannah was not about to let this happen under her nose, so endeavoured to reason with the guards but they would not be budged over these precautionary measures. 

I NOW PRONOUNCE MY FATHER RIDICULOUS - We were overlooking the hub of day-trippers living it up on a leisurely afternoon while marching police patrolled the square, with silver skyscrapers wreathing the circumference. In the centre most point an aurous, foil spiral is the Golden Sun Bird pattern 'which is the symbol of China's intangible cultural heritage'. Alan Titchmarsh would be enamoured with the grounds lined with intensely hued hibiscus flowers in vibrant, springtime bloom. It was here that Dad bothered a group of young lads failing to explain Eastleigh FC and football divisions; for he is the self-appointed patron Saint of COYS. The clueless chaps only vaguely cottoned on when the words 'London' and 'Beckham' were thrown into the mix. Looking at their confused faces, they must have thought 'who is this batty, yapping man?'

Joe raced ahead, blindly crossing the street without a grain of fear when we ventured out to People's Park. Previously in 1911 it was the location of protests against foreigners constructing the railway! Within the happiest city in China, this charming, grassy park is a buzzing hive of activity: Tea drinkers while away the day, men with inked mops inscribe Chinese Calligraphy onto the ground and lively music resounds in operatic performances and t'ai chi style dancing. I think it was here that I started to fall a little in love with Chengdu. 

THANK YOU, WE'RE HERE ALL WEEK - We now get what it feels like to be stared at as a visitor in an overseas country, which I hadn't experienced before now. Scores of the locals would gawp at us open mouthed or call us 'laowai' (the informal phrase for 'foreigner') I didn't mind so much as we were infringing upon their territory. The sweetest thing was when cute babies were told to wave at us and some wouldn't do a darn thing but the rest looked at us with abject terror as they obediently waggled their fingers. One precious infant applauded me for playing peek a boo with him :D 

I took a liking to the Wide and Narrow Alleys teeming with tourists, which have survived (after a reconstruction in 2003-2008) from the Qing Dynasty of 1644 - 1911 AD. While I didn't want a front row seat to the ear pickers who would clean out the wax of willing victims with their sharp, tuning fork tongs it was in a disgusting way rather fascinating! The word 'no' apparently means nothing to some of these peddlers! My skin physically crawled when I detected cooked rabbit heads on a stall which are considered delicacies in these quarters; but I guess livings have to be made. There is a lot of useless junk for sell in the stores but Amy and I found a plethora of panda merchandise to pay out for. Awkwardly, we were followed every step around a jewellery shop by one vendor as we marvelled at the gems and trinkets on display. Back off, lady -- we weren't going to shoplift!! 

MINNIE IS NOT A SWEET, DARLING RODENT - Usually the Disney dress up characters roving the lanes are delightful.. 'cept when they take a shot at robbing you! I was a naive fool when a Minnie Mouse costumed  beckoned me over for a photo (which I had not even wanted) and then demanded payment, grabbing my arm when I apologised that I didn't have any money. The grip tightened and I was two heartbeats away from taking a swing at Mickey's sweetheart (wouldn't have been a good move in front of impressionable children) when Jamie stepped in to shove him/her off, so we could hurry away. 

Oh give it rest, showers! The following day was another muggy, showery one and we skipped an early wake up call in favour of a late start. Johannah wasn't able to come out with us as she was spending some time with her mother who is also now in town for the wedding. It was necessary to stock up on a few groceries so Jamie suggested we shop around at Ito Yokado, a supermarket which is in fact Japanese. The branch closer to his home has greater facilities so he was disappointed that he couldn't take us bowling or to a ritzy restaurant. 

FAST FOOD GRUB DOESN'T MAKE US ANY LESS OF A REFINED SIGHTSEER - It was stressful for Jamie to order for a large group, who couldn't make up their mind what they actually wanted to eat. So we were pleased with a McDonalds as it was recognisable food at least!! My poor bro had to go up an additional 2 times for food he had asked for but hadn't been understood, as he was ordering unassisted in the limited Chinese vocabulary he has. It amazes me every day that my brother now lives 5215 miles away from us and can communicate in a complex language. I felt bad I couldn't be any more help other than carrying the trays to the corresponding eater. My request for a fork was wordlessly interpreted by merely mimicking the action of eating with a utensil. Grossly, my chicken cutlet rice bowl came with a few hairs in which were not my own and definitely were not an order I'd placed.... suffice to say, my appetite was lost.  

Right outside the supermarket, we ran across one of the many versions of Robert Indiana's Love Sculptures which was an exact replica of the one in NYC and multiple other locations on earth. It has become one of the most artistically referenced images and we didn't even have to be a pack of animals to get piccies with it, as was the case in Manhattan. I had forgotten how fun it can be to have my own family around on holidays as I'd gotten used to wandering the world unaccompanied. So it is infinitely more meaningful to make memories with the ones I love most in life. 

IT'S NOT LIKE SQUATTING OVER A DUNNY IS ON MY STANDARD TRAVEL BUCKETLISTS - Johannah kindly booked out a KTV suite for us, as it is a wildly preferred pastime throughout China to do karaoke with friends in private rooms. This recreation is so huge that these karaoke bars pop up on almost every street with dozens of personal crooning chambers. However, the cubicle I had to first make use of was the dreaded hole in the ground WC for I couldn't hold my bladder in and these were the only lavatories available. I freaked when it flushed with a thunderous force and cannot fathom how or why the Chinese population are so chill to use these tortuously repugnant commodes. GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN!!

WE HAVE SONGS TO DESTROY - Just allow a Montigue to make your afternoon entertaining again! We had a very giggly couple of hours in our own fortress of song, a purple-lit booth with leather couches and vintage microphone; we outcrazied the crazies warbling unmelodiously in adjacent rooms. In between bites of the fruit platter which had been laid out before us, we channelled our inner Beyonce, smashing the anthems of: Whitney Houston, Buble, One Direction, Barbie Girl, Bruno Mars, Charlie Puth, Take That, Josh Groban, Avici, Spice Girls, Taylor Swift, The Beatles, Bon Jovi and everything in between. 

Dad had a little too much fun (ATROCIOUSLY) singing his Eastleigh shirt out, unyielding on one of the mics; he hogged it despite relentless badgering. It wasn't until he put on a theatrical voice to sing Adele's Someone like you that he actually managed to carry the tune, sounding miles better. Did we laugh? Did we ever!! :D We didn't want to leave as early as the 'grown ups' so a car was ordered for them to return to the hotel while we continued to rock out. The Kardashians wish they could spend some quality sidesplitting family tomfoolery together like we had. We won't inflict you with the video footage but I will be keeping them for posterity as it is one of the most happy times we've had all together. 

SIBLINGS BEST FRIENDS CLUB - My bright idea (as I'm renowned for having!) was for us to walk back to Wangjiang, due to not having a large amount of exercise. Jamie believed it was only 30 minutes on foot and thought he could remember the way there. Alas, being a stereotypically geographically-challenged male, he was WRONG. *roll your eyes at my sexist remark if you must* He tried to load directions on his phone map app but it wouldn't work; this blip led to us crossing a river, ambling past caca-smelling bushes and dodging our demise by a whisker when we crossed the roads of terror. We gave up before we became utterly lost and Johannah suggested we get food until she could arrange an Uber for us. It later turned out that we had been heading the right way after all but we'd gone too far and then took an incorrect turn. 

Returning to the supermarket from earlier we hunted down din-din at the food court; we had to obtain a card to pre-load credit for our meals. Jamie, Amy and Joe had a very non-Chinese supper of spaghetti while I banqueted on a bowl of noodles, cabbage, broth and what I think was seaweed which had called out to my belly. The mishmash had such an aromatic flavouring but it was greasy as they heavily overload the pots with oil. Jamie went on the pursuit of cutlery as only chopsticks were provided, leaving his own spag bol to turn cold. It was fruitless as the supermarket only had a fancy set of silverware that would have set him back 1000 yuan. When we eventually got back to the hotel 3 or more hours after the rest, we were repentant that they'd all waited for us to have dinner but we didn't have a way to contact them. We helped Jamie put together a wedding playlist of mostly soppy but meaningful love songs before he had to get back to his own apartment.