Hart of Dixie Wisdom (Faith and infidelity)

1) Your neighbour won't fulfill their promise to fix your fly screen, unless you're nicer to them. PS - Sleeping with a flyswatter throughout a Southern summer is a must, if bugs bug you and are thereby forbidden from your abode. 

2) On a Sunday morning if there is no sign of civilisation, everyone is no doubt in church. It's considered rude to interrupt a church service already in session - IN your night clothes, no less. Make a joke about doors with WD40 and exit hastily. And yes, the reason the church doors are so loud is so you can't sneak out halfway through. 

3) Great sunshiney moods are out of the question if a Hitchcockian swarm of flies were buzzing in your ears, all night long. Isn't that a ton of fun!?! And you have these flies because the front porch next door is 'a cemetery of takeout containers, empty beer bottles and half-eaten waffles.'  

4) To avoid being left to repopulate the Earth with the incredibly unbelievable *BUFF* buffoon (who suggested this), 'when all those nice churchgoing people get whooped up to Heaven' - attend a house of worship on the Sabbath with those churchgoers. 

5) An intended insult of 'cowboy' is taken as a compliment to a hot hot hotty Alabaman man. Did we mention that he is hot.. HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6) When is bundt cake ever a bad idea? When it is delivered by your 'friendly neighbourhood preacher' and his wife to officially welcome you to your new digs. 'Down here a bundt cake, is just a bundt cake.' It's not an implied contract that you will come to church or to bully you into ecclesiastical submission.

7) 'In New York, being a good neighbour is leaving each other alone'. Bluebellers aren't exactly known for that which is killing the newcomer with all this kindly consideration. 

8) YOU can't be annoyed when you accidentally run over your drunk as a skunk father,  *due to a tremendous oversight* even if all the good fishing spots will be gone. Thereafter, randomly check to see if anyone happens to be passed out under the boat.   

9) What's wrong with this picture when your good and righteous Reverend has syphilis? He and his wife are an inspiring couple, a true love story in the town's eyes- 'funny I don't remember the syphilis part in Romeo and Juliet.' 

10) 'Do you need your hair done every week? No, you do NOT. But the beauty parlour is the best place to bond, gossip and show the people in the town you're serious about becoming one of them.' Just wait until you see your amazing/weird big, idiot hair looking back at you in the mirror! 

11) Mix ups down at the lab must happen all the time with your medical test results. 'Sometimes.. not really. Technically, it's possible. There is no one percent. That is just the statistical margin of error.'  The lab doesn't lie, deal with it. 

12) 'You are always hardest on the ones, you like the most.' 'YES, like in An Officer and a Gentleman.' Personally I blame these rom coms for teaching women that this is fair and just treatment of the opposite sex. Come on be a grown up and don't take out the bad times on those you love. 

13) It's an unwritten rule, 'the sweeter they are - the more depraved they are.' So be wary of the ones who seem cuter than a baby unicorn, for they are normally up to no good. 

14) Nobody wants to tell the perfect little minister's wife, that her husband had an affair. As much as a 'minister cheating is so cliche', that is a BIG can of worms to open. How in heaven will the worm wriggle his way out of this?

15) 'People cheat. Even the ones we trust the most.' '50% of marriages end in divorce, life goes on, people survive.' The familiar refrains which you'd think would make us refrain from love altogether. 

16) When the terrible rumour going round is YOUR fault or you have been involved in propagating it, take your drink to go! Funnily enough you won't be gladly received sitting out in the crap storm, you've just rained down upon a revered member of the neighbourhood. 

17) It should make you nervous and nauseous, if your woman is acting real different - wearing lipstick and painting her toe nails purple. However if you're about as perceptive as a pickle you won't pick up on these suspicious indicators. 

18) Try not to believe the worst in people until you have confirmed proof. No matter how interesting, scandalous or sordid the presumption. 

19) How to make your man feel guilty when he goes behind your back to befriend your sworn enemy: Serve up their favourite new food and pull out all the stops! Remind them that they can't keep dwelling on the past and have got to look to the future. For you, are their future and their forever. *Not in a slasher psycho way but an itty bit*

20) It is kinda heroic when you have to sing down the village drunk, from the hardware store rooftop with an emotive rendition of Moon River. But when this is a monthly occurrence and the man is your father, you get used to climbing heights. Fortunately, you are spared from ascending the runged ladder in high heels but it does nothing to decrease your alarm! 

21) 'Maybe 99 out of 100 people will disappoint you.. but you may find the magic of the world in the margin of error.' 

22) How can you be jealous of 'a girl with no manners, dubious breeding and hair like a grill brush.' She's not even in the same universe but somehow the world around you, has noticed her including your intended. 

23) Trust in the fact that your spouse loves you but understand that he will miss somewhere he lived for 2 years. Don't pretend that didn't happen but it's not like he'll choose to leave again if he pines for that fancy world of his. What matters is the here and now and he's here, with you. 

24) You can't just ruin someone's life and pretend it didn't happen if you're the AWFUL one who pierced the wife of the Reverend's belly button without a license. 

25) Your girl is not losing it if they want to break out and be reckless from their stifled lifestyle sometimes. 

Hart of Dixie Wisdom (In Havoc and in Heat)

1) Get ready to see half naked people doing full on crazy things, during a heatwave that feels like the earth is on fire. The fever hits everyone eventually and 'pretty soon your freaky deeky will be on full display.' BE part of that proud tradition! :D 

2) Heatwaves providing a free pass to do whatever the hell you want is not nothing but hokum. Just be warned that 'crazy comes with consequences' and that 'with weather this hot you cannot fight your inhibitions.' Try as you might.. it is a losing fight.  

3) A half naked Wade is NEVER gross and even sexier sopping wet! I request eternal dibs on cooling him down in such ways *throwing a jug of ice over his head* whensoever he doth require it.

4) 'You can't dilly dally in bed all day when you've got a duck to prepare.' We can verify that this does seem to be a valid duck preparation principle. 

5) A mini battery operated fan and an ice cube down your chest is not exactly glamourous and is never going to cut it when you're hot and bothered. 

6) Wade resembles an Abercrombie model when swimming in his seethrough tight tank top. Many a jaw hit the floor, when he removed it to reveal his sculpted, glistening pectorals. Wilson Bethel is understandably so the star of many a sexyyy daydream. MUY CALIENTE baby!! 

7) 'There's nothing more freeing than jumping into a cool pond on a hot day.' You don't have to if you've just blown your hair out, or are scaredy catty that snakes may be a-swimming in it - BUT it's highly recommended. 

8) 'Lots of old people get pregnant - I read the tabloids.' Do I really need to connect the dots for you on this one? eeeeesh.

9) Getting your sister committed for being mentally unstable is haaaaarsh. Yes she's downright, insanely cuckoo for trying to murder you with a desk clock. But can't you let it slide when carbon monoxide poisoning has slowly been killing her? 

10) Little lady, it's only proving your future in mother-in-law right with silliness and being high-strung, instead - you need to show your agreeable nature. Nearly bursting a gullet when she's a snot about your cooking isn't the best course of action. 

11) LET the beautiful, available, gorgeous, obvious-that-he-likes you barman repay you for your medical assistance. All women wanna be swept off their feet, so stop maintaining that you could never hit that when you've already gotten under his skin. Give in to the fever! 

12) What are you trying to pull by making reservations to the same fancy restaurant, your ex lover 'AKA gorgeous AKA could you just die(?)' and their date are dining at? Sabotaging a date by spying on said ex is screwy! 

13) Heatwaves make us do 'stupid things we almost always regret.' Nobody wants to wake up with a Snoopy tattoo on their tush. 

14) As a substitute to succumbing - go home, take a cold shower and let the moment pass. Renounce all heatwaverly pleasures ;) 

15) The age old leave the table in awkward situations excuse: powder your nose and be back in a jiff. You nose powderers kill me!! 

16) Rachel Bilson can look sultry in literally ANYTHING - including headscarves and floppy oversized hats. Who are we kidding she'd be breathtaking even in dungarees, shutter shades and crocs!

17) You shall look a fool, upon falling off a stool when you're trying to be cool and make a boy drool. What's a lady got to do to get a *ahem* rendez-vous around here? A wink isn't always the sexual innuendo you think it is - and can easily be mistaken for a contact lens situation.. 

18) Just as you suspected, talk of destiny, soul mates and planning a double wedding is an infallibly crafty approach to daunt, dismay and scare the socks off your ex's date!! Poor pup, will think she'll need to sleep with a baseball bat. 

19) When a person is attacked out of nowhere by someone who is dangerous not only to others but to herself, there is definitely something wrong. Despite bets that there are a bunch of folks who want to smash you in the head with something! 

20) Interrupting Bourne Identity when you love you some Matt Damon is only acceptable in emergencies. Who isn't a complete sucker for that cutie pants? 

21) Seeking the comfort of physical contact with the man you sought it from 6 months ago needs to stop. Secret fights, tears, tension you can't handle - needs to have the cord cut. Do not allow a former mistress to make it hard for you to move on. 

22) You're not that kind of girl when the sexual tension that's been permeating between you and the beckoning boy next door, is more than metaphorically rained off.. just as you are about to mack on. And the steamy spell from the heatwave is broken. Side note: The rejection is not an action based on his hotness.

23) Why wouldn't your Mum approve of your impending marriage to an adorable, albeit over-dramatic and temper tantrum throwing female? Parents just want their 'perfect' children to have everything. 

24) As far as Lavon's concerned, 'a life without regret, ain't worth living. It's good to follow your instincts, let yourself get caught up in the moment every once in a while. Sometimes the consequences are worth it..until they're not.' Grasp the weird, wonderful and unrepeatable events when they arrive. 

25) 'If you every truly let yourself go, you might fly.' Just dip your toe in the pond of possibilities and skinny dip within the sea of fantasy. 

Gilmore Girls Gems *Kill me now*

1) Should exchanges get prickly during an excruciating meal at the dinner table, commenting on how pretty your granny's plates are is a nice deflection. 

2) 'Physical fitness is as important as intellectual fitness. So says Plato and so say I.'  The non-athletic types are people too, gosh darn it. It's not that we won't give it a whirl, it's just that we've had bouts of food poisoning that we've found more enjoyable. 

3) Nothing is so important, that it can't wait for cake. You live in a sad, sad unsweetened world if that is not the case for you. 

4) 'Manipulating the situation in a way that gives no one an out is FORCE. Look it up.' Yes, maybe your child's sweet nature has been taken advantage of, but if she doesn't appear to be kicking and screaming, it's maybe not such a biggie to go golfing with your grandfather for one afternoon. 

5) When someone would rather 'slide down a banister of razor blades and land in a pool of alcohol' than do some mundane activity with you, they think you're in for the most supremely crappy, CRAPPY day. 

6) Twins marrying twins is...TOO weird and shockingly gross. 'It's like a really snooty double mint commercial.. It's against the laws of nature and just short of completely obscene.' If they were identical, how could you know for 100% that you were smooching your own husband?!

7) Golfing insights gleaned for my golfing ignorant friends: a) Golf isn't something you can teach in an afternoon. b) It is a good walk spoiled. c) Your driver is the most powerful club in the bag - it can be most valuable asset or greatest liability. d) To wield it properly requires a precise combination of confidence and humility

8) 'There are no rights and wrongs to the learning process'. However, it takes a lot of stupid to continually turf up their swings on the golf course.

9) 'We can't all just call everyone 'sweetie' and get away with it.' Aw sweetie, it's sweet that you thiiiiiink you are sweet enough to use this expression but very few are, without sounding preposterously patronising. 

10) 'Travelling for a young girl is a very important thing.' Backpack through Europe and do the whole hostel thing - why the hell not? 

11) You're lucky if your grandchildren don't look like they've 'fallen off the back of a potato truck!' But the grandkids that are truly fortunate are those whose grandparents feel they give them something to live for - no matter how beautiful their appearance is or isn't. 

12) As chilling as it may be to see saggy-fleshed oldies towel wrapped (thankfully), steam rooms are great places to hear all the scandals - from the most odious men and women alive. 

13) Tulle atrocities with 'the feeling of a major tutu' are committed at many a wedding. Frilly thingamajigos need serious streamlining to limit material massacres. 

14) ALL swans are filthy, sneaky birds. No one forgets their run in with terror, being attacked by a band of 'scary, feathery, N Sync kind of fiasco' swans. I can attest to this all too verily. 

15) 'Did you know golf courses are an environmental blight because of the chemicals they use to keep the grass green?' Those are Luke's words, I'm not as angry with the devastators of our land. 

16) Record breakingly large cheeseburgers are required after a nightmare day. It'll remind you that you've still got one good thing left in your life. 

17) All the toxins you've sweated out after taking a steam, is making you insane if you have taken to incorporating 'quite' into your sentences. 

18) Harpists are not juke boxes to annoy the crap out of. A request for Shania Twain's 'Man I feel like a woman' will not be received with rapture. 

19) When a cat is stuck under a front porch: vegetable oil and a shoe horn is needed. Though for what, I know not. 

20) A 'crazy evil spirit obsessed with bra size' is inevitably bound to take over, when taking your mother's favourite sweater without asking to borrow it. It can not sound creepier when your own mother, barks at you to get the tape measure so you can measure boobs because she's convinced your chest is totally bigger. 

21) It may not be adorable on you but little white gloves and coming out parties make some girls happy - 'if they're on prozac absolutely.' 

22) Your fruit supplier catching you about to effectively cheat on him, by purchasing strawberries elsewhere will disgust him. It makes for a painfully awkward circumstance but funny for the onlookers who watch give chase as you zig zag across streets, to explain yourself. 

23) 'Ladies cross their legs', the well-bred have to set a fine example of their genteel refinement to their audience. 

24) Girls may complain about being made to wear a poofy princess dress, but we secretly (or not-so-secretly) like how they really fly up when we twirl around. Wearing that ruffled underwear 'it's a big crowd pleaser!' unsexy though it is. 

25) 'In this age of MTV and 100 television channels who would've imagined that a young girl could still get a thrill spending a simple afternoon with her grandfather?' You may not realise beforehand that it won't be like throwing acid in your eyes but end up having a really lovely time. 

Gilmore Girls Gems *The Lorelai's first day at Chilton*

1) 'Bad girls always wear red nail polish'.. Red is raunchy, but if you're wearing shoes nobody will see your feet anyway. 

2) Do you know what happens to people when they're late on their first day? It's shorter.. 'for the rest of the year, they are labelled 'the late girl.' This is one of those things you just can't come back from.  

3) It will be the last time you buy anything just because it's fluffy, when it doesn't purr on time which makes your morning a lot harder than it needed to be. Firstly, you don't have time to pick up your dry cleaning which means you must wear the chick from Dukes of Hazzard, rodeo attire when you have to meet the Headmaster of a fancy schmancy private school and you're supposed to look together and fabulous. 

4) Daughters are a great thing - 'we're big fans'. Sons? Booooo. 2 thumbs down. 

5) A 'smooth' move to subtly check out the marital status of a hot dish 'so is your husband here? I'd love to meet him.' OR 'I'd love to meet your wife.' 

6) Short shorts and cowboy boots doesn't really have the desired effect of dressing for impressing, unless you're going to a hoedown. You don't want to forget your long coat when in this ensemble as that would further your embarrassment. 

7) Failure is a part of life but not a part of private school education. 

8) Never joke that the coffee has ran out to the little coffee nut job on a jumbo coffee morning when it's needed in an IV - 'You're sick, you're a sadist, you're a fiend.' 

9) There is no escape from the critique of your wardrobe choices in a tiny community 'is that what you wore?' Their comments are a small cross to bear because their kindness far outweighs the mockery.  

10) Chad Michael Murray was a cutie even pre One Tree Hill -  Mummy like!!!!

11) Among your peers, every school has a Paris - the gorilla of a grief-giving snot. 

12) Give fruit a nice, big squeeze prior to purchasing. 'Smaller means watery and no good peach taste'.  

13) Grandmothers hate that we take the bus. 'Drug dealers take the bus'. Yes, the worms of this world ride public transport alongside us poor folk but we can't all have chauffeurs at our beck and call.  

14) It is a ploy to spend more time with you, when the guy you met earlier that day tracks you down at your place of work. They're certainly more interested in your company than the company you work for, if they've gone out of their way to ask you out for a casual dinner. 

15) How not to win friends at a new school: Accidentally wreck the intricately sculpted castle project crafted by a HORROR of a student, after stumbling backwards as you vigorously attempt to unjam your stuck locker. She will not want your help to fix it. Stay out of her way or she'll make school a living hell and this will suck for both of you.  

16) One 'hectic bizarro day' starts with being late and your 'mother with her existing', and the father from school driving all the way to your workplace to ask you out because he fancies becoming your new boy toy. 

17) Rule breaking rebels ignore the 'no cell phones' sign at their own risk. It's not as bad ass as it's claimed to be.  

18) Gnome kicking is not cool and 'says a lot about a man's character'. Why must you be *that* person? Nobody wants to friendship with a gnome kicker!

19) Your life problems are 'nothing that Shakespeare couldn't turn into a really good play.' The events occurring that are so awful you cannot speak of - the Bard would wax lyrical over in a sonnet. 

20) Salons are hardly the place to confront your mother about the DSL order she placed at your home, behind your back. With her head suctioned up the drier seems as good a place as any, when you've done nothing but argue, disagree and fight all throughout your lives anyway. 

21) You go to an advanced school when the insults are biblical. 'Mary' means you look like a goodie goodie resembling Virgin Mary. But if somebody as attractive as Chad Michael Murry was on me like a voliceraptor, I wouldn't mind in the slightest ;) Can I get an amen? 

22) 'Angry chicks are the worst' - you can't let the institution tyrant get you down. It sure feels good to beat them to a question (when all they want is to destroy you) and watch them 'turn 14 shades of purple.'