Hart of Dixie Wisdom (Hell's Belles)

1) 'To Southern people, who we came from is part of who we are. You want to fit in? Find out where you fit.' Tear through every, single box you can find to find out who your people are. You have noooo idea what you're about to walk into within this process :D

2) 'Pining over some lost love' takes all the man out of even the big and burly blokes! It's not just women who don't go out anymore and 'mope around here eating your cookie dough ice cream.' If you'd rather be at home with your spoon, empty Ben and Jerry's tubs, muffins and all manner of comfort food - knock yourself out..it's your loss.

3) Look, you don't have to avoid that guy you only went on one date with..even if it didn't work out so well. 'No need for things to be all awkward' and no reason why you can't just be friends. Unless of course, you are convinced that he wants to marry you. Darn right, he'd come across as some crazy, jealous, 'Looney tunes' pyscho after he was speaking of soul mates and intimating at a double wedding scenario on their 'first and only date.'

4) How is it the big live oaks, hundreds of years old 'keep standing storm after storm? Roots! Deep and wide.' Your family history is your roots. Pray that the fruit it bears does not turn into a poisoned apple. 'They got these things called genealogy websites cost like 39 bucks.'

5) Bridal fever strikes even the best of us. A woman who is getting married can be expected to start to clear some space for a new life. That explains why your southern belle has 'been unusually high-strung the last month or so.' A bride-to-be shouldn't be envisioned as being of sound mind and amazing body; it's an either/or situation normally. 

6) Grown women do not have to raise their arms to speak 'like a first grader having to go tinkle.' Is a gentle girl such as this, really ready to bring a child into the world? Not if Lemon Breeland has any say in it!!!

7) Making someone you don't want to join your elite and powerful society 'drink a milkshake every day. She'll get so fat!' may be the stupidest thing you've ever suggested and shows 'tiny imagination.'

8) Hell week: wearing a poofy red rosy dress every second, becoming the  slave for the day of the poisonous person who wants to cut you out of her life forever and shouting some humiliating slogan whenever the secret word is uttered - how can that not be fun?!!! Could you handle the fudge? Or do you have 'a lot of quit in' you? 

9) Yeah, things are bad when the town's fate lies in the hands of  the crazy, roof-climbing drunk, to stop a planned superstore building a road through the land. He may be a loopy lush enduring a never-ending battle with drink but he 'ain't stupid; if he knows there's money involved - he's gonna want it.'

10) Graveyards are apparently *the* place for 'sacred rituals and sometimes margaritas.' You know 'in front of the gypsy who watches over us and provides the magic and mystery in our lives.' That is, if you fall for this sort of creepy, consecrated voodoo..still it's super bad ass.

11) 'There is a biological reason that you can't conceive' it is NOT an enigma of the mystical because you've been cursed as 'there's no such thing as a curse.' Pregnancy pacts preventing any of you to have babies until all married and can have them at the same time are FALDERAL! 'Pregnancy is biology.' Most women enjoy every second of not being pregnant.. but you cannot when all you want is a child of your own. 

12) How is a compadre 'supposed 'to go and "Carpe diem" when the girl convinced you're hung up on her is 'telling every woman in town you're not dateable?' The nice guy can't always be counted on to say the right, UNstupid things and 'might as well be the town eunuch.'

13) Mangling clothes, squeezing hundreds of lemons and dog hair drying is tiring business! Just assume the 'series of trials designed to reflect the strengths, challenges and skills of the southern woman' will be an abyss of wretchedness from an abscess of a princess, before you are granted access to their mean and shallow alliance. 

14) Abide adequately by the rulings of a pink tea. 'What exactly is a pink tea? Well everything is pink..' (Right, that clears that up, then!) 1 tiny problem - 'how are you supposed to have a pink tea with red lemonade?' avec your fellow nuttees.. Dump that out and start over or you'll 'all just look like we're sipping a cup of blood, just a bunch of pretty vampires, enjoying a cup of blood before we all go on a killing spree.'

15) Parading around town arm in arm with a trashy girl either side, as per Operation  'carpe him some diem' is inherently a fools errand. Also, you shouldn't be surprised when the hotties are mistaken for hookers! 

16) 'Fear can freeze the uterus' so the friend terrorising 'witch with power to make women infertile' ought to be persuaded to 'be nice - let them have babies.' When much of what this bitter lemon does makes her girls cry; the stress prohibits impregnation!

17) To truly engage in psychological warfare: break your victims down 'without even lifting a finger.' 'The cold hand of fear around their heart' should lie from being made afraid of something you MIGHT do. Go kanuckin' nuts!

18) A little 'wet, old piece of dirt' patch of dirt is a weak ass legacy. Unless it's literally all your father has to his name and so he is bequeathing everything he owns to you. Accept it graciously and with open arms. 

19) You are strong with a side of sassy if you 'have pulled 30 hour shifts in the ER, ridden the Subway to Queens at 2am and eaten oysters off a truck.' The maleficent leader may win the battle (as you lose your dignity) but the war will be won by yours truly because there's nothing they bring that you cannot beat. 

20) 'Some things you just know, in your heart.' 

21) Why would you want to be 'surrounded by reminders' of the absentee who ran out of your home and is not a part of your life anymore? Dispose of the things belonging to the witch who ditched you, for these bring with them an icy chill of bitterness and dejection. 

22) A definition of the worst mother in the world: 'The kind who doesn't care about anyone but herself, the kind who can just leave her children without a glance back.' Count yourself blessed, if yours is the kind who would go eat gravel or chase you to the ends of the earth or walk through fire for her family and their safety, health and happiness. 

23) Though we share the same blood and history as our progenitors.. 'it's the choices I make today and everyday that make me who I am.' So smile, be kind, radiate joy and make the most of every moment.  

24) 'Paintball guns - those HURT!' Proceed paint balling, if you have the guts, my dears. Bank on bruising and oozing and bleeding and other somewhat gory wounds. All that aside, it's superrrrrr fun :D 

25) French Canadians pronounce 'guy' as 'gee' and are only marginally ridiculed for such. Not much could top the 'aboot', ey? :P 

我的兄弟 ('My Brother' if I have found the correct Chinese translation)

Brothers are generally bothersome, smelly and juvenile... so you'd think I'd be jumping for joy, cheering 'Huzzah!' that one of mine has left England. Nope, I'm the furthest you could possibly be from that and well up just thinking how very far away from us all you'll be. It is only just dawning on me that you are leaving (you HAVE left now) and it makes me so sad... I've never been great with goodbyes, so having to say it to my brother Jamie at 5am this morning was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be and so I couldn't bring myself to go with you to the airport. After giving you and Johannah a final hug, hanging out the bathroom window upstairs waving like a mad woman was all I could do not to burst into greater tears :'( 

Usually I am the one who does all the leaving (but everyone always knows I'll be back like a boomerang, hanging around like a bad smell).. I don't like it when the shoe is on the other foot and all these sad emotions are in reverse because I am the person who is left, while you go on your adventures this time. I know that you will have some scary thoughts as it all becomes very real and you make a new life in a foreign land.. but it will also be kinda wonderful for you too. An opportunity to make friends you'd never have met, go places you'd never have had the chance to visit and see so many amazing sights. Most importantly, you'll learn and grow every single day, as an independent man in Chengdu. 

Yes we bicker and quarrel and say unkind things we don't really mean... *this is going to sound really cliched* ... but I am so proud that you have been brave enough to follow your heart. In the biological sense, you may be my 'little' brother but I am the one who looks up to you. Although I wouldn't/couldn't admit it to your face I will really miss having you around.. and not just because there won't be anyone to solve all my problems - technical or otherwise. 

I didn't intend for this to read like a eulogy because nobody has died but today there is a very large Jamie-sized hole in our home.. and because of it we are hurting. Me, Amy and Joe are so blessed to have such a dependable, thoughtful, generous, sensitive and best of all patient (a trait I definitely do not possess), brother. And I know Mum and Dad feel the same way about having you as a son. This whole thing seems like a strange dream right now and I keep expecting you to walk in the room any minute.. just seeing the everyday household objects that belong to you, bring little jabs of sadness to my heart. I'm sure it will get easier with time and once we know you have arrived safely and are settled. 

Thanks to WeChat, Skype and other fantastic technologies - all at the touch of a button; we'll be able to keep in constant contact and bug you endlessly, which will help bridge the great divide of physical distance. As you take this big step moving to China with Johannah, know that we are always here wishing wonderful things for you. Enjoy every moment! Soak it all in but don't listen to what the world is telling you to do. 

Will you love it? My guess is YES. Will it be challenging sometimes? Almost certainly. Will you miss your bonkers but well-meaning family? You BETTER had!!!!!!!!!!! We all love you very much and hope you'll be the happiest you've ever been before. Be good, take care of each other and be in touch regularly please or we'll only worry. Have the time of your life!

Lots of love from your bossy, old, pain in the butt sister xxx

Hart of Dixie Wisdom (Hairdos and Holidays)

1) It will be found 'a little odd how invested you are in the love lives of fourteen year olds?' But awwww he should be in love with her - yes, the one who refers to herself as 'the flat-chested nobody who gives him answers to our geometry homework' opposed to one of the cool kids. 

2) Men who have spent half their life in a locker room, should not dispense tweens with romantic advice. 'You get back out there, you give him hell. Cos winners never quit. Okay, no guts no glory.' Leave the football encouragements out of a motivational speech. 

3) 'Try and remember the holidays are supposed to be about joy.' Not about shoe shopping, aka the female version of getting a beer with the guys or worrying when the beautiful, 18 foot Douglas fir tree will be delivered. 

4) 'Every pageant has at least one injury victim.' We all know a few minor scrapes, bumps, sprained ankles, laryngitis and make up mishaps (e.g gluing eyelashes together) come with the territory. But will that get them down? Will it, HECK?! The girlies fight so bravely on, wowing with their radiant, overly-dolled up-choking-on-their-own-hairspray-bimbo selves. 

5) 'It does not make you any less of a woman, that you yourself have no wedding plans. Or a boyfriend. Or even a prospect of one.' This is your private, personal business so don't be made to feel inferior for being a 'dignified spinster' as they may like to refer to you as. We may sweat through 3 pairs of underwear but by golly at least our accent is not a 'fingers-on-the-chalkboard thing'. The men don't know what they're missssssssssssing. Honestly.... HONESTLY. 

6) Clog dancing is cool. No really. That's hard to say without sounding sarcastic. She may clog like a frog stuck in a bog but holy crap 'an incredible girl is every bit as deserving' of the guy she likes attention.

7) 'A smart woman would not to try to flirt with a judge to influence his decision.' That objective 'arrogant ass' will resent you using your personal history with him, as a chance to mess with his head and sway the vote. 

8) Raccoons are bad ass biters. They even manage to break into mangers, in the middle of the night and eat an arm off the baby Jesus 'as if he didn't suffer enough.' It'll require paper mache-ing back on! 

9) Bribing a 'sucker for a girl in a sparkly dress' with chicken poppers, is sorta a moral gray area. Give it a go all the same, perhaps one of those types can be bought. 

10) 'You think you're having a good time, think you're having a lot of fun' when you've gotten *ahem* 'cozy' with 'pretty much every single woman' in the town. Sleeping with a lotttttttttttt of girls is what passes for recreation to some hot-blooded bachelors. Whatever happened to communication? The art of conversation? Think of 'finding a nice girl and settling down' before you're passed your use by date. 

11) 'Sometimes it's easier to talk to strangers' and seek comfort in someone you barely know. We all need a sturdy, soothing shoulder to cry on when we're distressed. Trouble is, it all begins innocently but if your partner is far away and doesn't have time to solace you.. is it inevitable to stray with a handsome power figure you've been sharing looks and MORE with? 

12) No matter how awful the mother who abandoned her little angel is - DON'T THROW something away, that was given to you out of love into a lake/pond/river/ocean!! 'Things may seem confusing and wrong, but she was your mother. You can't not think about it.' If nothing else, the locket looks fab around your neck and is a reminder of happier times when she did make you feel like you were 'the most important thing in the whole world.' All that anger and resentment isn't useful. 

13) It's a low, non-meticulously thought out moment for a player when his madcap, half-baked, tree-thieving undertaking is foiled by the father of one of the many, many minxes you've played the field with. Darn tootin' straight he 'doesn't exactly love you', if he'd vowed to shoot you dead if he saw you again and has you arrested for trespassing. So much for the 'benefits' of sleeping around, 'my friend!'

14) 'We can't pretend to understand what makes people do the things they do. Shame can be a hard thing.' Emotionally charged reactions of losing your temper over coward liars and the like are expected and forgivable. Losing you from their life is their loss and that's punishment enough. 

15)  'Pull(ing) a nose hair' to produce tears is a gross but effective technique. That is, if you don't mind snotting out profanities subsequently! 

16) Scarlett O'Hara 'would never have her arms down by her side' - how unseemly! Extend the arms out 'like the delicate wings of a bird.' Failing to comply..well - it's your funeral, sparrow. 

17) How can you even think of discussing Transporter 1, 2 or 3 when you're banged up in jail? Your cell mate will not be down for making cinematic chit chat, when 'it's been a long night'; he's tired and does 'not feel like talking right now!' The immaturity of the twit, who tricked their best bud into stealing a Christmas tree, 'knows no bounds.'

18) Shooting off with your mouth to a Sheriff  or having shot 'yourself in the damn leg with a crossbow' are both really REALLY stupid. But we love the stories! 

19) Never allow your hairdresser to give you 'Dolly Parton big' hair; it's 'not good for so many reasons.' It is totally impossible for any person, including Dolly Parton to pull that look off!  

20) It is insane to blame the 'low and short' babe who has been 'making eyes' at your fiancee; when he is the one who has been flirting with her. 'Maybe there's something about you that he just isn't finding in her.'  That he is everything you could ever want is beside the point in this battle. 

21) Let yourself have what you want, NAY deserve out of life and don't stop til you get it. 'There is nothing wrong with being a wife and a mother' but the fire burning inside you for more won't extinguish. If you don't allow yourself what your heart truly desires 'well, that is a disappointment you will live with forever.' 

22) Leading on the girl you have sparks with 'with all your stupid flirting' STINKS!!  'Unless you're planning on scrapping your wedding plans' back off before all the single guys she hasn't gone out with, wish to stab you with a fork! 'You can't go around being all nice and friendly and flirty with someone, when you are clearly with someone else. It's misleading, it's frustrating and it's not fair!' 

23) It's human to get swept away, and passionately make out with a man who has retrieved something sentimental and special to you from a lake. What would make it *perfect* would be if he were your hubby-to-be...but the guy who IS your intended is in NYC and your relationship has gone south. Once you dip your toe in that water sooner or later - you drown. 

24) The steady, unrelenting tears that fall, from the face of your hurting, fancy woman kill you. She turns up on your doorstep distraught, knowing she shouldn't be there so to shut the door on her as she sobs her heart out is soul-destroying. 'I can't be here for you like this anymore when you're going to marry someone else. If you have something meaningful you need to talk about, the person you need to talk about it with is your fiancee.'

25) First of all, be flattered when your hottie tottie neighbour asks to buy you a drink. Ooooh baby baby, the chemistry sizzles between the pair who mutually hated each others guts, when first they met ;) 

My saga continues..

All the time I was living in Valladolid, I feel I didn't really ever give it a chance. Because I felt so hard done by half the time and that this was not somewhere I belonged ..I didn't venture out enough and I regret that. I was continually thinking that nothing even remotely important or interesting happens here. But I was wrong and ignorant to think that. If nothing else, it will have a special place in my heart because it is the city in which I began teaching. 

More than that, I stumbled upon a different way of life - the laid back (but moany and tantrumy) and serene. I met people I never would have met in a million years in  England. I have picked up countless words in Spanish and I really want to build upon it and not lose what I have already acquired. So I MUST MUST MUST go back to the beginning and study, particularly grammar as I never sat down to learn.. it just naturally rubbed off on me from the children. 

By far, the greatest part of my school year in Espana was the children I had the pleasure of teaching. It is amazing to be entrusted by their parents in the capacity as a teacher. Every day I laughed with my classes and loved them more and more, as I got to know them better. I was truly lucky to have had the incredible students that were assigned to me and they got me through what was a lonely chapter in my life. If it weren't for their smiley faces, enthusiasm and cheerful characters I would never have made it through. I couldn't have asked for a more fantastic first year of pupils to kick off my career. I know that I will always remember them fondly and that they will all go on to do brilliant things with their lives.  I just wish that I could be there to see it. I hope that I have made a difference to them and that they feel they have learned from me.. just as I have from them. 

So thank you to the region of Castille y Leon for allowing me to chase my passion. Thank you to the parents for not sending me any nightmare kids just you cheeky cuties, who I miss so very, VERY much. Thank you to my clever students and your adorable little personalities; I'll never forget any of you. If I get another opportunity to teach ESL, I'd be so fortunate to have classes just half as wonderful as those. 

Gilmore Girls Gems *Rory's Dance*

1) 'You should have a decent reason for hating something before you really decide you hate it.' We don't get to have an opinion (or base them on a viewing of an eighties movie) or disdain of something we haven't tried and thus have nothing to compare it to. 

2) Don't miss out on any experience that may seem silly and frivolous 'because you're too afraid' when it could be all 'sparkly and exciting' with some great-looking guy. Seize chances to do those things you would ordinarily NEVER do. Throw caution to the wind! 'These are the kind of experiences you regret missing later.'

3) Should you find yourself spending a lot of time not kissing other people, have *the* talk to determine if you are of girlfriend/boyfriend status.'We've been dating a few weeks. Where do we stand? What are we to each other? If another girl asks you out, do you feel free to go?' The likelihood is you already are, if he wants to follow you everywhere and is hanging out in the trees in your garden, waiting for you. 

4) Enunciate these chats with your gentleman caller for your bored friend in need of entertainment, who is reading lips outside. At least you'll be tortured together, if your bean-stocking boyf consents to accompany you to the dance and it is as lame as you imagine. 

5) The serving of chicken (one can assume) in no way factors into your choice of attending or not attending a social event. Though it often is at these kind of things 'because it's probably cheaper and people eat it.'

6) Take photos a-plenty to chronicle  'once in a lifetime events', including all the boring crap of getting ready that led up to it. Grandmothers will hint until you relent and then 'maybe bind them together, make a flipbook out of them.' 

7) 'The guy's supposed to buy the tickets.' Unless the girl likes 'em cheap. Sloppy too-- bald spot, beer gut, you know and the pants that kind of slip down in the back, giving you that good plumber shot. That sends me through the roof.'  It's a giant leap backwards for womankind, if we can't even fork out for a date once in a while. 

8) 16 year olds who have been hit 'with a pretty stick'; have skin like a baby's ass and with that said, 'there's nothing to primp!' When they look as beautiful as a movie star, their escort won't know his elbow from his oesophagus! 

9) Holy mother of destruction, heels hurt! As does hairspray sprayed directly into your eyes, sticking all your eyelashes together. 'Well beauty is pain!' SIDENOTE: Mind that you shield the tacos from such substances. 

10) 'There is nothing normal about a back spasm. The very fact that it has the word 'spasm'  in it, means it's not normal.' This is a problem that has a solution so stop pretending to be fine, by minimising the discomfort you are evidently in. 

11) 'Do not go running out the door when a boy honks. It certainly is not fine. This is not a drive-through. She's not fried chicken.' 'If he wants to take you out, he will walk up to this door and say "good evening" and come inside for a moment like any civilised human being would know to do.' Your nana will be close to running him down with her car if the boy isn't bright enough to abide by these precepts. Oh and don't rush 'a lady never rushes.' 

12) How can you possibly leave your only child, 'stranded on the sofa' when they're obviously in pain? You might groan and wince audibly but really you mean 'thank you Mommy.' Whether you're three or thirty three you secretly like having your mama take care of you and tuck you in. 

13) 'Really, really happy monkeys' 'holding coconuts and leering' on a 'semi-pornographic' lamp are irreverently funny. But not in the eyes of a snooty gift giver who notices you have cast off their lovely, crystal candlesticks (you didn't have a big use for) in exchange for this 'ridiculous, slightly sinister barroom decoration.'  

14) Your gown is gorge when it impresses 2 of the yippy mongrels, who normally can't stand you. 'Great dress.. who's it by?' It makes it all the more delicious when they are envious of your dish of a date!  

15) Please don't make us eat mashed banana on toast, like you used to when we were a little girl that got sick; as it looks like something 'someone already ate.' If you feel a need to show your agreeable nature by sampling, you'll realise it is 'even more disgusting than you thought it was gonna be!'

16) I believe the words you're looking for are SLIMY CREEP, when a guy who came to the dance with another girl innuendoises (making up words again) 'so there's still a little room room to play?' So maybe they shouldn't be asking for your number or hitting on you. 

17) We really do enjoy teasing and toying with our Mums. Yet a sincere compliment ('you did a lovely job. With Rory and the dress.') from the not-really-into-mushy-wushy things, stoic woman who birthed us means so much more than we will ever let on. 

18) The blurting out of information you'd hoped to be kept secret (i.e: how your mother had to ask your cousin to take you to the dance and pay for gas as you couldn't find a date) is a crowd pleaser. Particularly when the very person with said secret is the one (who is a huge horses heiney and loathes you) to screech it out at the top of their lungs, not knowing it had not been divulged. 'Go ahead. Tell them.' 'I don't have to, you just did.' 

19) A suited and booted boy is filled with jackassness, should he be under the misbelief that he can act tough when wearing a tie! 'It'd be like fighting an accountant!'

20) A whippersnapper that does nothing but insult you and make you miserable, most definitely 'has a thing for you.'  Thusly, he shall try to poach you from your 'big, strong protector' lest he is warned to never go near you.

21) The whole defending your honour 'is very boyfriendy, but only in the broadest sense of the word.' You needn't worry that the discussion you've been avoiding will be difficult, as he'll want to be your real boyfriend and so it's settled. 

22) There's no explaining being caught in a compromising position, when 2 spooning teenagers sleep out all night and are found by a group of women the next morning in a dance studio. 'You shouldn't be anywhere near my house right now.' As perfectly innocent as it was, smoke will be exhumed from ears!!! 

23) The frantic yelling that ensues on awaking to 'the feeling of complete terror when your kid isn't in her bed in the morning' will not help. 'Just try to be calm until we know what happened.' Your protective maternal instincts kick in as you stand up for your good, smart child who won't ruin her life. 

24) Accidental situations can look so much worse in the harsh, cold light of day. 'WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? STAYING OUT ALL NIGHT! ARE YOU INSANE?' When your mother is 'the Queen of staying out all night' and she 'invented the concept', 'You can't do this. Period.' then as amazing as your relationship may be she might not believe that nothing happened. 

25) Oh, what a bad (next) day your wonderful, perfect night of dancing and talking with your newly appointed boyfriend can turn into! 'I'm sorry that I screwed up and I'm sorry that you got yelled at, but I didn't do anything and you know it!'