Hart of Dixie Wisdom (Mistress and Misunderstandings)

1) 'There's only one reason a girl who hasn't had the company of a man for several months is suddenly euphoric.' And it's not what all the males would suspect - that she's getting lucky with a sexual guest. That happy glow is on account of her having so much good, clean,  fun with a new found female companion. 

2) How could you not 'wake up and just really, really appreciate how beautiful life is?' Despite having patients puke up on the floor, that you would otherwise yell at for them to go far from you!! 

3) Your cat has 'got jealousy issues' when it scratches you bloodily on the chest when you have 'lady guests (if you know what I mean)' over. Unfortunately we do. Upsetting your pets eco-system will get you on their bad side. For serious. 

4) 'A buttering-up dinner' to seal a deal by making all a person's favourite dishes 'would seem a little desperate.' It's sure to work if an Alabaman heart full of persuasion, puts the plan into action. 

5) 'All the smiling, pleasantries, all the nice things she's going out of her way to do, like buying a man his favourite pickles even when that man doesn't ask for them' isn't necessarily indicative of a secret boudoir buddy. OR a death row inmate. Indeed if there did happen to be a string of lesser paramours queuing up for the affections of your neighbour; hidden cameras are not the way to go and find out. 

6) You're finally becoming BFF's when: you've chanced upon a girl in whose home you don't have to whisper about bodily functions ('DIARRHEA! VOMIT! SNOT! POOP! PEE!PERIOD! VAGINA!') or use coasters, and can enjoy talking about boys, watching rom coms and eating not-pleasant frozen pizza that 'tastes like cardboard and spray cheese.' (All Zoe Hart's know that 'really good pizza is the size of your face and handed to you by a guy named Vito') 

7) Not going there with the guy who lives next door and 'equals delicious' conveys that 'you are crazy pants!' Mmmmm mama like ;)

8) 'We love Pictionary. We sure do.' It just turns out that there's no such thing as a 'friendly' little game of Pictionary. Now that you know, get okay with that. Don't be cheating, we all know it doesn't count if you get the answer after the time runs out. The board never lies. 

9) You know what they say, 'if it walks like a duck and it sounds like a duck, then (the dreamboat) doctor of the duck' is sleeping with the woman he sent flowers to. To hell with her privacy; this can be deduced by peeking at the card attached to the bouquet. 

10) 'You're sneaking around, lying, keeping your relationship a secret - that's the very definition of a mistress right there.' If in order to allow yourself some happiness in private you take to hiding your closet, non-sexual girlfriend in your closet- so be it. Keep them all guessing!

11) 'A real friend is somewhere you can walk through town with.' A male learning that there is no making out within the furtive friendship is a well of disappointment. 

12) Luncheon organising pointers: a) 'Are you sure the sunflowers match the brie?' (We don't even know what that means) it is apparent that the floral display must pair well with the cheese. b) Ribbons must be properly curled - this is easy as pie. c) Centre pieces require work if it looks like a 2nd grader assembled it. d) Men get a free pass for their childish behaviour when their partners are too preoccupied with party planning to be angry.  

13) The following is a for instance - 'Does she make you wait around until she's free?' (Yeah) 'Does she return your calls even after you've called her 4 times?' (No) Answering like unto the bracketed ones and you are being treated like a CHUMP. You have to stop letting them. Often that involves an ultimatum. 

14) As a rule, eavesdropping generally reveals more than you bargained for and more often than not, you get the wrong end of the stick. Confounding information reaching the ears of a person 'peachy keen' to end you is disastrous. 

15) 'Heavens to Betsy! What kind of belle doesn't carry a tissue with them?' It is most unrefined for a matron's nose to be runny. The other dames don't desire to be your snot police.  

16) Woah, MOVE AWAY from the dumb ass man arguing at the stupid jar of peanut butter! We bet those perfect 'such a damn grown up' don't stick their fingers in it either. That's not okay. It's just utterly NUTTY. 

17) Save yourself a world of pastry pain and opt for Petit fours. 'Everyone is sick to death of dreadful cherry tortes.' There is not a bigger idiot than a cherry torte contributor.

18) Chances are high for disaster when the loser at the bar stool is drinking all alone at 3 in the afternoon. 'FYI it's really not a great thing to mix alcohol with antibiotics.' Whats-his-nuts oughta go home and get some rest, sleep off the solvents. 

19) One cliche that's true: 'The right person will' 'appreciate you for how great you are,' 'trust me.' They'll want to love on you for the rest of your lovely lives so much so you'll rarely make it out the door ;)

20) There are a lot of other good guys 'out there, serious men with adult responsibilities, who have the sense to tell the girl how they feel.' These cavaliers are full on hitting on your woman! 'You gotta stop pulling pigtails.. comb your damn hair.. put on a clean shirt.' 

21) 'Nothing is worth crossing this kind of line' that comes from finding out a juicy little tidbit. Give yourself a high 5 and internally gloat that you've got one on them but pass the morality test by not taddling. 'This craziness ends now.'

22) 'A friend's a friend. Male or female who gives a damn? As long as you've got somebody to back you in a knife fight, I'd say you're doing alright.' You should be able to chill with anyone you like, undeterred by those keeping an eye on you. 

23) When you're with the kind of woman that is moody and withdrawn 'sometimes you need an outlet.' It could be in the form of golfing or drinking or wii tennis etc etc.. just come up with something to keep at an arm's length from their irrational bursts of anger! But it's normal to want to kill your other half at LEAST once a day....... riiiiiight????

24) For the record sugar plums, engraved key chains in the wrong hands make the snooper think you're up to no good. Which perhaps you are - winky face ;) 

25) Planting a peck right on the kisser on a handsome vet right before the town is a very sexy way to flaunt the start of your new relationship. The PDA hysteria that surrounds you  and your 'Peaches' in this situation is humorous and confusing. 'That kiss was worth taking another shot at.'

Hart of Dixie Wisdom (Hell's Belles)

1) 'To Southern people, who we came from is part of who we are. You want to fit in? Find out where you fit.' Tear through every, single box you can find to find out who your people are. You have noooo idea what you're about to walk into within this process :D

2) 'Pining over some lost love' takes all the man out of even the big and burly blokes! It's not just women who don't go out anymore and 'mope around here eating your cookie dough ice cream.' If you'd rather be at home with your spoon, empty Ben and Jerry's tubs, muffins and all manner of comfort food - knock yourself out..it's your loss.

3) Look, you don't have to avoid that guy you only went on one date with..even if it didn't work out so well. 'No need for things to be all awkward' and no reason why you can't just be friends. Unless of course, you are convinced that he wants to marry you. Darn right, he'd come across as some crazy, jealous, 'Looney tunes' pyscho after he was speaking of soul mates and intimating at a double wedding scenario on their 'first and only date.'

4) How is it the big live oaks, hundreds of years old 'keep standing storm after storm? Roots! Deep and wide.' Your family history is your roots. Pray that the fruit it bears does not turn into a poisoned apple. 'They got these things called genealogy websites cost like 39 bucks.'

5) Bridal fever strikes even the best of us. A woman who is getting married can be expected to start to clear some space for a new life. That explains why your southern belle has 'been unusually high-strung the last month or so.' A bride-to-be shouldn't be envisioned as being of sound mind and amazing body; it's an either/or situation normally. 

6) Grown women do not have to raise their arms to speak 'like a first grader having to go tinkle.' Is a gentle girl such as this, really ready to bring a child into the world? Not if Lemon Breeland has any say in it!!!

7) Making someone you don't want to join your elite and powerful society 'drink a milkshake every day. She'll get so fat!' may be the stupidest thing you've ever suggested and shows 'tiny imagination.'

8) Hell week: wearing a poofy red rosy dress every second, becoming the  slave for the day of the poisonous person who wants to cut you out of her life forever and shouting some humiliating slogan whenever the secret word is uttered - how can that not be fun?!!! Could you handle the fudge? Or do you have 'a lot of quit in' you? 

9) Yeah, things are bad when the town's fate lies in the hands of  the crazy, roof-climbing drunk, to stop a planned superstore building a road through the land. He may be a loopy lush enduring a never-ending battle with drink but he 'ain't stupid; if he knows there's money involved - he's gonna want it.'

10) Graveyards are apparently *the* place for 'sacred rituals and sometimes margaritas.' You know 'in front of the gypsy who watches over us and provides the magic and mystery in our lives.' That is, if you fall for this sort of creepy, consecrated voodoo..still it's super bad ass.

11) 'There is a biological reason that you can't conceive' it is NOT an enigma of the mystical because you've been cursed as 'there's no such thing as a curse.' Pregnancy pacts preventing any of you to have babies until all married and can have them at the same time are FALDERAL! 'Pregnancy is biology.' Most women enjoy every second of not being pregnant.. but you cannot when all you want is a child of your own. 

12) How is a compadre 'supposed 'to go and "Carpe diem" when the girl convinced you're hung up on her is 'telling every woman in town you're not dateable?' The nice guy can't always be counted on to say the right, UNstupid things and 'might as well be the town eunuch.'

13) Mangling clothes, squeezing hundreds of lemons and dog hair drying is tiring business! Just assume the 'series of trials designed to reflect the strengths, challenges and skills of the southern woman' will be an abyss of wretchedness from an abscess of a princess, before you are granted access to their mean and shallow alliance. 

14) Abide adequately by the rulings of a pink tea. 'What exactly is a pink tea? Well everything is pink..' (Right, that clears that up, then!) 1 tiny problem - 'how are you supposed to have a pink tea with red lemonade?' avec your fellow nuttees.. Dump that out and start over or you'll 'all just look like we're sipping a cup of blood, just a bunch of pretty vampires, enjoying a cup of blood before we all go on a killing spree.'

15) Parading around town arm in arm with a trashy girl either side, as per Operation  'carpe him some diem' is inherently a fools errand. Also, you shouldn't be surprised when the hotties are mistaken for hookers! 

16) 'Fear can freeze the uterus' so the friend terrorising 'witch with power to make women infertile' ought to be persuaded to 'be nice - let them have babies.' When much of what this bitter lemon does makes her girls cry; the stress prohibits impregnation!

17) To truly engage in psychological warfare: break your victims down 'without even lifting a finger.' 'The cold hand of fear around their heart' should lie from being made afraid of something you MIGHT do. Go kanuckin' nuts!

18) A little 'wet, old piece of dirt' patch of dirt is a weak ass legacy. Unless it's literally all your father has to his name and so he is bequeathing everything he owns to you. Accept it graciously and with open arms. 

19) You are strong with a side of sassy if you 'have pulled 30 hour shifts in the ER, ridden the Subway to Queens at 2am and eaten oysters off a truck.' The maleficent leader may win the battle (as you lose your dignity) but the war will be won by yours truly because there's nothing they bring that you cannot beat. 

20) 'Some things you just know, in your heart.' 

21) Why would you want to be 'surrounded by reminders' of the absentee who ran out of your home and is not a part of your life anymore? Dispose of the things belonging to the witch who ditched you, for these bring with them an icy chill of bitterness and dejection. 

22) A definition of the worst mother in the world: 'The kind who doesn't care about anyone but herself, the kind who can just leave her children without a glance back.' Count yourself blessed, if yours is the kind who would go eat gravel or chase you to the ends of the earth or walk through fire for her family and their safety, health and happiness. 

23) Though we share the same blood and history as our progenitors.. 'it's the choices I make today and everyday that make me who I am.' So smile, be kind, radiate joy and make the most of every moment.  

24) 'Paintball guns - those HURT!' Proceed paint balling, if you have the guts, my dears. Bank on bruising and oozing and bleeding and other somewhat gory wounds. All that aside, it's superrrrrr fun :D 

25) French Canadians pronounce 'guy' as 'gee' and are only marginally ridiculed for such. Not much could top the 'aboot', ey? :P 

我的兄弟 ('My Brother' if I have found the correct Chinese translation)

Brothers are generally bothersome, smelly and juvenile... so you'd think I'd be jumping for joy, cheering 'Huzzah!' that one of mine has left England. Nope, I'm the furthest you could possibly be from that and well up just thinking how very far away from us all you'll be. It is only just dawning on me that you are leaving (you HAVE left now) and it makes me so sad... I've never been great with goodbyes, so having to say it to my brother Jamie at 5am this morning was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be and so I couldn't bring myself to go with you to the airport. After giving you and Johannah a final hug, hanging out the bathroom window upstairs waving like a mad woman was all I could do not to burst into greater tears :'( 

Usually I am the one who does all the leaving (but everyone always knows I'll be back like a boomerang, hanging around like a bad smell).. I don't like it when the shoe is on the other foot and all these sad emotions are in reverse because I am the person who is left, while you go on your adventures this time. I know that you will have some scary thoughts as it all becomes very real and you make a new life in a foreign land.. but it will also be kinda wonderful for you too. An opportunity to make friends you'd never have met, go places you'd never have had the chance to visit and see so many amazing sights. Most importantly, you'll learn and grow every single day, as an independent man in Chengdu. 

Yes we bicker and quarrel and say unkind things we don't really mean... *this is going to sound really cliched* ... but I am so proud that you have been brave enough to follow your heart. In the biological sense, you may be my 'little' brother but I am the one who looks up to you. Although I wouldn't/couldn't admit it to your face I will really miss having you around.. and not just because there won't be anyone to solve all my problems - technical or otherwise. 

I didn't intend for this to read like a eulogy because nobody has died but today there is a very large Jamie-sized hole in our home.. and because of it we are hurting. Me, Amy and Joe are so blessed to have such a dependable, thoughtful, generous, sensitive and best of all patient (a trait I definitely do not possess), brother. And I know Mum and Dad feel the same way about having you as a son. This whole thing seems like a strange dream right now and I keep expecting you to walk in the room any minute.. just seeing the everyday household objects that belong to you, bring little jabs of sadness to my heart. I'm sure it will get easier with time and once we know you have arrived safely and are settled. 

Thanks to WeChat, Skype and other fantastic technologies - all at the touch of a button; we'll be able to keep in constant contact and bug you endlessly, which will help bridge the great divide of physical distance. As you take this big step moving to China with Johannah, know that we are always here wishing wonderful things for you. Enjoy every moment! Soak it all in but don't listen to what the world is telling you to do. 

Will you love it? My guess is YES. Will it be challenging sometimes? Almost certainly. Will you miss your bonkers but well-meaning family? You BETTER had!!!!!!!!!!! We all love you very much and hope you'll be the happiest you've ever been before. Be good, take care of each other and be in touch regularly please or we'll only worry. Have the time of your life!

Lots of love from your bossy, old, pain in the butt sister xxx