Gilmore Girls Gems *Paris is Burning*

1) 'Puppies!!' which have been left in the cold and wet, along some 'sad highway' are a darling distraction. Can the pooches NOT be so cute, that we'll want to rescue every last one, get them pretty bowls and a new name? 

2) You are justified in dumping your vicious hamster 'with little beady eyes and a big forked tail' back to the pet store, IF it bites your hand every time you put it in the cage. AND LAUGHS. AT YOU. Though hamsters cannot. Why shouldn't you stuff *the quilted kind* of Kleenex in with the teeny hamster of douchebags??

3) Even if it what you've borrowed looks valuable 'it's a book. It's meant to be read.' For all that, not when your fella would rather pash you romantically. Granted, it is Marcel Proust who'll make you smart; you'd be DUMBER to pass up on your leading man.  

4) Fun has been had when you scandalously return home after 1AM, with 'a very big smile for a 'not bad' night.' Time can be really obnoxious, the way it flies by when you're exceedingly enjoying yourselves ;) 'You just go think about what you've done.' 

5) 'Dumb girls crave smart men. It's that whole Marilyn Monroe - Arthur Miller syndrome.' The way they speak so passionately and can still be mysterious has us crushing on the smartie; undeterred by their 'ridiculous teacher's salary.'

6) 'The colour blue is very pleasant isn't it?' Personally, I've always been of the opinion that yellow has a sexiness to it. Blue is fine but it's the colour of sad. 

7)  Just because you don't 'wait outside the mailbox' for the school newsletter and 'then instantly memorise the contents in 3 seconds'; it doesn't mean you don't care about your kid(s). GROSS I-would-rather-than-scenario: vomit and lick it up than disappoint our offspring in any way. 

8) Obviously your cute date was raised in a barn, should he arrive punctually for your social engagement. 'Who shows up at 8 o'clock for an 8 o'clock date?' 'Everybody knows that 8 o'clock means 8.20, 8.15 tops.' Ring the dating police for this heinous crime. With 10 points knocked off 'the dream guy quotient' your squire is only half amazing. 

9) Holy crapballs, it's a little uncomfortable to sit and make small talk with your mother's bf while she is still getting ready!! It also terrifically contravenes the good, dating handbook rule that the 'Daughter shall be nowhere near house when said man materialises.' 

10) Your feet will stop talking to you after thinking you can still skate, in your newly unrusted, really shiny pom-pommed pair. 'It's not like riding a bike you know.' Really, it's the Thumper (from Bambi) on ice curse all over again and your ice-skating prowess is rather limited. 

11) He's eliminated as a potential future husband when you've convinced yourself 'he is a great guy - for someone.' 'Someone else who is not you.'  And just as he's starting to grow on your kid as a human being too. Since you've decided he's probably not the guy for you, break it off before your teenage daughter gets too attached. 

12) 'It's never ever ok' to go from 'zero to jackass in 3.2 seconds' with your best friend. Misplacing your anger onto your closest confidante then you deserve for them to sing Ricky Martin songs at you endlessly.  

13) We 'don't think a book whose first sentence is 20 pages long is for' us. You gotta cherish this time on earth, don't be wasting it reading the longest novel known to mankind. 

14) On the occasion that you furiously french kiss, the fella you're breaking up with 'and doing it really badly' scan the perimeter for spies. The scumbag student, in your daughter's class is certain to spread the goss of the extreme nice-ness she witnessed, like wildfire through high school. 

15) Humans are prone to yelling (in stairwells) when the personal life they hoped to hide, humiliates them before their peers. 'It wasn't supposed to happen.' It's only after said event, that you 'realise now that that was a very bad idea.'  After all, parents are supposed to shield their children 'from shame, not cause it.'

16) 'Refrain from fighting in front of  the grandmother.' When they reel off our misdemeanors like *that*  (y'know in that condescending superior tone?) it sounds bad and makes us feel so teeny small. 'I just want to know what you were thinking. What was your reasoning? How did you justify it to yourself?'

17) 'A mistake is when you throw out your credit card bill - a mistake is when you forget to RSVP to a dinner party - a mistake is when the gardeners miss trash day and the barrels are full for a week. This my girl, was NOT a mistake.' Lasciviously licking the tongues of chalk-holding educators, categorically do not fall under this category. 

18) Scandal sharing ------> some of us live for that stuff, not caring who gets hurt in the process. You 'probably shouldn't have told people what you saw' and it is not acceptable because your own private family problems have been talked about. Truthfully, these stirrers just need someone to talk to them not about them.  

19) How to sweetly shut up the boob, murmuring about mediocrity winning and 'the desensitised masses': unexpectedly ask him out to dinner sometime, with you. 

20) Though a 'beyond great' NC-17 rated kiss is very sexyyyy it can also complicate relationships and jeopardise careers. It could have all been avoided if only you'd kept your personal and professional lives totally separate. Herein lies the power of luscious lips!

Gilmore Girls Gems *Forgiveness and Stuff*

1) A 'grandmother being there to witness' 'everything get so screwed up', never does help. The cruel humiliation and repercussions hurt, but it would be incredibly mean for all concerned parties not to forgive one another in due course.  

2) 'Gift giving is serious business' guidance: a) 'A book sends the wrong message.' b) 'You have to look at what a gift says to the other person, not to you.' c) 'Gauge your gift accordingly' d) A mother who works hard and deserves something fancy may construe a present of perfume as 'some smelly sex juice that I use to lure boys with.' e) Nobody really wishes someday someone 'would get me a really confusing Czechoslovakian novel.' 
Is this not common knowledge?

3) Uninviting your own flesh and blood to your swanky Christmas shindig as you're not too happy with each other? Errrrr harsh! Should we be filled with anger? Nah, it's 'not exactly high on our list of things to obsess about' when there's a lot going on. Plus, it's one less terrible thing that infringes upon our life. 

4) Holding a grudge is a little immature but 'it burns more calories.' Including those apple tarts you wait all year to eat because they are soooo delectable you would marry them if you could! Choosing to forsake the cake is a mistake and it's the GRUDGE talking. 

5) 'As with most tragedies in life there comes a time when you just need to pick up and move on.' It might be your Vietnam but sometime you 'pack up your troubles in your old kit bag and bury them beneath the sea.' (Eliza Doolittle the singer, not the fictional character in My Fair Lady) 

6) There's something real romantic-like about your 'public enemy #1' boyfriend coming to pull the 'old tapping on the window bit'. Only if you are there.. and it's not your mother that doesn't hate him but has 'imagined 20 different ways to remove his head from his body' who catches him. She will nod along with your explanation as to how 'nothing happened' and that everything got all messed up, but she shall not smile. 

7) The 6 ft 2, beautiful bag boy who is completely in love with your daughter = 'TROUBLE.' 'Big time.' You oughtn't forbid her from seeing him, for that would crush her pretty PRETTY face. Your child loves him, you can learn to love/like him too. 

8) Gurrrrrrrrrrrrrl, a guy who goes to the trouble of assembling you a Santa burger because you wanted to eat something festive, likes you SO HARD. Probable that 'no one has ever made you something quite this disgusting before' and that makes it all the more adorkable. 

9) Let your man loosen his tie at the table and turn down the thermostat, when he says it's 'unbearably hot.' Stop being an etiquette, stupid face - for if not, it could be a mistake that costs you the love of your life. 

10) You've lost your motoring mojo if.. you're 'being passed by senior citizens' and are 'driving 20mph in the oldest truck known to man.' Two thumbs down for snail slowness but a smiley face for super safety :) 

11) The universe is not punishing you for being a disappointing daughter when your Dad has taken ill. Neither is he a bad guy, simply for being a 'non-fishing-non-Barbie buying Dad' who never took you to the circus. He lived his life the way he thought he was supposed to and worked hard, providing for the family. 

12) 'It's not insane to assume a date was involved' if a single woman shows up with an escort. Because as an unmarried 30 something year old male and female you can not possibly just be friends... who flirt?? Flirty friends, bestie buddies, perpetual pals if you will. 

13) In circumstances requiring bravery 'you gotta think positive here..bright side.. good thoughts..rainbows..unicorns..clowns..little cute..furry..' Spreading such uncharacteristic cheeriness and all that other sappy stuff is chillingly unnerving.

14) A person not real big on hospitals and 'the smell, people being wheeled by with tubes sticking out of them, you know, drainage, fluids, gaping holes -' is not the best person to accompany you at one. So it's sweet of them to put on a pretend optimistically sunny smile for you, when they're not staring at their shoes!!

15) You cannot forever resist the charming/cocky chap, staring at you, when you share a very palpable chemistry. 'Oh what? So I said you look good. We're not in 5th grade. You look good. Big deal.' 

16) You know what hurts more than the truth? 'Having a screwdriver jammed in the side of your head.' Puke City!!! And ouch, oh OUCHY ouch ouch. I'd sooner wait for death's embrace than accept that this particular 'pain is part of life.'

17) 'Things can happen, even when you don't really mean for them to happen' specifically when you are your mother's daughter. As such, you can understand the panic factor that went on when your pretty girl is nowhere to be seen when she shouldn't be out. Obviously, these situations spiral and are just hella dramatic.  

18) When a woman cries in a male's presence 'here's where the guy is supposed to give the girl his handkerchief.'  Only the lamest lamos don't carry one around with them at all times in case of this possibility. The practice is revolting but it is preferable to the icky issues that come with tissues.

19) 'Life is not life unless it includes a steak.' Man, the cows are super disappointed in us turning them into our supper. This is a thought I wrestle with, right before the succulent slab of meat forces its way into my unwilling mouth. :S 

20) Thank you prezzies in the form of a baseball hat, we like. It's the wearing it forwards 'does that look wrong' when we're accustomed to the backwards look, we are a little dubious of. 

Hart of Dixie Wisdom (Mistress and Misunderstandings)

1) 'There's only one reason a girl who hasn't had the company of a man for several months is suddenly euphoric.' And it's not what all the males would suspect - that she's getting lucky with a sexual guest. That happy glow is on account of her having so much good, clean,  fun with a new found female companion. 

2) How could you not 'wake up and just really, really appreciate how beautiful life is?' Despite having patients puke up on the floor, that you would otherwise yell at for them to go far from you!! 

3) Your cat has 'got jealousy issues' when it scratches you bloodily on the chest when you have 'lady guests (if you know what I mean)' over. Unfortunately we do. Upsetting your pets eco-system will get you on their bad side. For serious. 

4) 'A buttering-up dinner' to seal a deal by making all a person's favourite dishes 'would seem a little desperate.' It's sure to work if an Alabaman heart full of persuasion, puts the plan into action. 

5) 'All the smiling, pleasantries, all the nice things she's going out of her way to do, like buying a man his favourite pickles even when that man doesn't ask for them' isn't necessarily indicative of a secret boudoir buddy. OR a death row inmate. Indeed if there did happen to be a string of lesser paramours queuing up for the affections of your neighbour; hidden cameras are not the way to go and find out. 

6) You're finally becoming BFF's when: you've chanced upon a girl in whose home you don't have to whisper about bodily functions ('DIARRHEA! VOMIT! SNOT! POOP! PEE!PERIOD! VAGINA!') or use coasters, and can enjoy talking about boys, watching rom coms and eating not-pleasant frozen pizza that 'tastes like cardboard and spray cheese.' (All Zoe Hart's know that 'really good pizza is the size of your face and handed to you by a guy named Vito') 

7) Not going there with the guy who lives next door and 'equals delicious' conveys that 'you are crazy pants!' Mmmmm mama like ;)

8) 'We love Pictionary. We sure do.' It just turns out that there's no such thing as a 'friendly' little game of Pictionary. Now that you know, get okay with that. Don't be cheating, we all know it doesn't count if you get the answer after the time runs out. The board never lies. 

9) You know what they say, 'if it walks like a duck and it sounds like a duck, then (the dreamboat) doctor of the duck' is sleeping with the woman he sent flowers to. To hell with her privacy; this can be deduced by peeking at the card attached to the bouquet. 

10) 'You're sneaking around, lying, keeping your relationship a secret - that's the very definition of a mistress right there.' If in order to allow yourself some happiness in private you take to hiding your closet, non-sexual girlfriend in your closet- so be it. Keep them all guessing!

11) 'A real friend is somewhere you can walk through town with.' A male learning that there is no making out within the furtive friendship is a well of disappointment. 

12) Luncheon organising pointers: a) 'Are you sure the sunflowers match the brie?' (We don't even know what that means) it is apparent that the floral display must pair well with the cheese. b) Ribbons must be properly curled - this is easy as pie. c) Centre pieces require work if it looks like a 2nd grader assembled it. d) Men get a free pass for their childish behaviour when their partners are too preoccupied with party planning to be angry.  

13) The following is a for instance - 'Does she make you wait around until she's free?' (Yeah) 'Does she return your calls even after you've called her 4 times?' (No) Answering like unto the bracketed ones and you are being treated like a CHUMP. You have to stop letting them. Often that involves an ultimatum. 

14) As a rule, eavesdropping generally reveals more than you bargained for and more often than not, you get the wrong end of the stick. Confounding information reaching the ears of a person 'peachy keen' to end you is disastrous. 

15) 'Heavens to Betsy! What kind of belle doesn't carry a tissue with them?' It is most unrefined for a matron's nose to be runny. The other dames don't desire to be your snot police.  

16) Woah, MOVE AWAY from the dumb ass man arguing at the stupid jar of peanut butter! We bet those perfect 'such a damn grown up' don't stick their fingers in it either. That's not okay. It's just utterly NUTTY. 

17) Save yourself a world of pastry pain and opt for Petit fours. 'Everyone is sick to death of dreadful cherry tortes.' There is not a bigger idiot than a cherry torte contributor.

18) Chances are high for disaster when the loser at the bar stool is drinking all alone at 3 in the afternoon. 'FYI it's really not a great thing to mix alcohol with antibiotics.' Whats-his-nuts oughta go home and get some rest, sleep off the solvents. 

19) One cliche that's true: 'The right person will' 'appreciate you for how great you are,' 'trust me.' They'll want to love on you for the rest of your lovely lives so much so you'll rarely make it out the door ;)

20) There are a lot of other good guys 'out there, serious men with adult responsibilities, who have the sense to tell the girl how they feel.' These cavaliers are full on hitting on your woman! 'You gotta stop pulling pigtails.. comb your damn hair.. put on a clean shirt.' 

21) 'Nothing is worth crossing this kind of line' that comes from finding out a juicy little tidbit. Give yourself a high 5 and internally gloat that you've got one on them but pass the morality test by not taddling. 'This craziness ends now.'

22) 'A friend's a friend. Male or female who gives a damn? As long as you've got somebody to back you in a knife fight, I'd say you're doing alright.' You should be able to chill with anyone you like, undeterred by those keeping an eye on you. 

23) When you're with the kind of woman that is moody and withdrawn 'sometimes you need an outlet.' It could be in the form of golfing or drinking or wii tennis etc etc.. just come up with something to keep at an arm's length from their irrational bursts of anger! But it's normal to want to kill your other half at LEAST once a day....... riiiiiight????

24) For the record sugar plums, engraved key chains in the wrong hands make the snooper think you're up to no good. Which perhaps you are - winky face ;) 

25) Planting a peck right on the kisser on a handsome vet right before the town is a very sexy way to flaunt the start of your new relationship. The PDA hysteria that surrounds you  and your 'Peaches' in this situation is humorous and confusing. 'That kiss was worth taking another shot at.'