It's the New York of China!

DAYS 3 AND 4 - 

IS THIS REAL LIFE? - Well hot dog, jet lag is hateful! I was wide awake by 3.30am and it was laughing in my face.. thankfully I finally nodded off in the early hours of dawn. Still, I'm holding a spiteful grudge until my energy is revived.. and I have a little more pep in my step! I've dealt with my share of nuts in this life but these hazardous drivers in particular are the craziest nutters. On our way into the city centre, a taxi put the pedal to the medal, knocking a girl clean off her moped. She was shell shocked but not injured; it was as awful as it sounds to see it happen so rapidly before us. 

A shroud of hazy pollution was cast across the land of abundance as we set off to Chunxi Road on our city exploration day. In the capital of the Sichuan Province, this business district is dubbed the 100 Year Gold Street and cluttered in excess of 700 shops. The obnoxiously wealthy will have so much fun blowing thousands at the designer stores - Gucci, Prada, Tiffany's and Jimmy Choo with their diamond-encrusted shoes! The wallet wants what the wallet wants. Our eyes just bugged out at the costly apparel and *the* most gleaming, polished flooring inside a shopping centre. 

The Excellent Eight descended on Daci Monastery, an ancient temple just around the corner from Tai Koo Li; it was originally constructed at the time of the East Han Dynasty. Daci dispenses a more zen refuge away from the clamour. Golden Chinese characters and legendary folklore dragons are incorporated into the architecture of the religious sanctum. It's very moving to survey those devout in the Buddhist denomination, pray and worship here with all their soul, as they kneel on the cushions before the Laughing Buddha shrines. In the courtyard, candles blaze brilliantly and vaporous incense is burnt as wishes are sent up to their deity; who steadfast believers have faith will grant them with wealth and happy families. 

I WANT TO HAVE MY CAKE AND EAT IT TOO - Our table was jam-packed with too many servings of true Sichuan cuisine and floral water at our lunch spot. Upon witnessing our very English, feeble chopstick handling, the waitress soon swapped these over for Western cutlery for the majority of The Montigue family. I largely don't know what I ate but I relished my bites of many dishes; something containing aubergine and a thick noodles recipe specifically were another level of greatness! A fave of our brood seemed to be the pork belly with a lemon slice. I discovered I DO NOT LIKE DUMPLINGS as they are deceptively unpleasant but I was one of the few partial to the tofu cubes which taste scrambled eggy to my tastebuds. Like it's so horrible to scoff such a gorgeous pud of hubba hubba fruity ice cream cake. (!) How is that NOT so impressive? I also learnt how to politely say thank you 'xie xie' which to my ears sounds similar to 'shear shear'. 

The tribe tubed to Tianfu Square to suss out what was once the site of an Imperial Palace. Metro security angered me by tossing Amy's sun lotion, body spray and Mum's insect repellent into the bin; all because the bottles were labelled with flammable warnings. Johannah was not about to let this happen under her nose, so endeavoured to reason with the guards but they would not be budged over these precautionary measures. 

I NOW PRONOUNCE MY FATHER RIDICULOUS - We were overlooking the hub of day-trippers living it up on a leisurely afternoon while marching police patrolled the square, with silver skyscrapers wreathing the circumference. In the centre most point an aurous, foil spiral is the Golden Sun Bird pattern 'which is the symbol of China's intangible cultural heritage'. Alan Titchmarsh would be enamoured with the grounds lined with intensely hued hibiscus flowers in vibrant, springtime bloom. It was here that Dad bothered a group of young lads failing to explain Eastleigh FC and football divisions; for he is the self-appointed patron Saint of COYS. The clueless chaps only vaguely cottoned on when the words 'London' and 'Beckham' were thrown into the mix. Looking at their confused faces, they must have thought 'who is this batty, yapping man?'

Joe raced ahead, blindly crossing the street without a grain of fear when we ventured out to People's Park. Previously in 1911 it was the location of protests against foreigners constructing the railway! Within the happiest city in China, this charming, grassy park is a buzzing hive of activity: Tea drinkers while away the day, men with inked mops inscribe Chinese Calligraphy onto the ground and lively music resounds in operatic performances and t'ai chi style dancing. I think it was here that I started to fall a little in love with Chengdu. 

THANK YOU, WE'RE HERE ALL WEEK - We now get what it feels like to be stared at as a visitor in an overseas country, which I hadn't experienced before now. Scores of the locals would gawp at us open mouthed or call us 'laowai' (the informal phrase for 'foreigner') I didn't mind so much as we were infringing upon their territory. The sweetest thing was when cute babies were told to wave at us and some wouldn't do a darn thing but the rest looked at us with abject terror as they obediently waggled their fingers. One precious infant applauded me for playing peek a boo with him :D 

I took a liking to the Wide and Narrow Alleys teeming with tourists, which have survived (after a reconstruction in 2003-2008) from the Qing Dynasty of 1644 - 1911 AD. While I didn't want a front row seat to the ear pickers who would clean out the wax of willing victims with their sharp, tuning fork tongs it was in a disgusting way rather fascinating! The word 'no' apparently means nothing to some of these peddlers! My skin physically crawled when I detected cooked rabbit heads on a stall which are considered delicacies in these quarters; but I guess livings have to be made. There is a lot of useless junk for sell in the stores but Amy and I found a plethora of panda merchandise to pay out for. Awkwardly, we were followed every step around a jewellery shop by one vendor as we marvelled at the gems and trinkets on display. Back off, lady -- we weren't going to shoplift!! 

MINNIE IS NOT A SWEET, DARLING RODENT - Usually the Disney dress up characters roving the lanes are delightful.. 'cept when they take a shot at robbing you! I was a naive fool when a Minnie Mouse costumed  beckoned me over for a photo (which I had not even wanted) and then demanded payment, grabbing my arm when I apologised that I didn't have any money. The grip tightened and I was two heartbeats away from taking a swing at Mickey's sweetheart (wouldn't have been a good move in front of impressionable children) when Jamie stepped in to shove him/her off, so we could hurry away. 

Oh give it rest, showers! The following day was another muggy, showery one and we skipped an early wake up call in favour of a late start. Johannah wasn't able to come out with us as she was spending some time with her mother who is also now in town for the wedding. It was necessary to stock up on a few groceries so Jamie suggested we shop around at Ito Yokado, a supermarket which is in fact Japanese. The branch closer to his home has greater facilities so he was disappointed that he couldn't take us bowling or to a ritzy restaurant. 

FAST FOOD GRUB DOESN'T MAKE US ANY LESS OF A REFINED SIGHTSEER - It was stressful for Jamie to order for a large group, who couldn't make up their mind what they actually wanted to eat. So we were pleased with a McDonalds as it was recognisable food at least!! My poor bro had to go up an additional 2 times for food he had asked for but hadn't been understood, as he was ordering unassisted in the limited Chinese vocabulary he has. It amazes me every day that my brother now lives 5215 miles away from us and can communicate in a complex language. I felt bad I couldn't be any more help other than carrying the trays to the corresponding eater. My request for a fork was wordlessly interpreted by merely mimicking the action of eating with a utensil. Grossly, my chicken cutlet rice bowl came with a few hairs in which were not my own and definitely were not an order I'd placed.... suffice to say, my appetite was lost.  

Right outside the supermarket, we ran across one of the many versions of Robert Indiana's Love Sculptures which was an exact replica of the one in NYC and multiple other locations on earth. It has become one of the most artistically referenced images and we didn't even have to be a pack of animals to get piccies with it, as was the case in Manhattan. I had forgotten how fun it can be to have my own family around on holidays as I'd gotten used to wandering the world unaccompanied. So it is infinitely more meaningful to make memories with the ones I love most in life. 

IT'S NOT LIKE SQUATTING OVER A DUNNY IS ON MY STANDARD TRAVEL BUCKETLISTS - Johannah kindly booked out a KTV suite for us, as it is a wildly preferred pastime throughout China to do karaoke with friends in private rooms. This recreation is so huge that these karaoke bars pop up on almost every street with dozens of personal crooning chambers. However, the cubicle I had to first make use of was the dreaded hole in the ground WC for I couldn't hold my bladder in and these were the only lavatories available. I freaked when it flushed with a thunderous force and cannot fathom how or why the Chinese population are so chill to use these tortuously repugnant commodes. GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN!!

WE HAVE SONGS TO DESTROY - Just allow a Montigue to make your afternoon entertaining again! We had a very giggly couple of hours in our own fortress of song, a purple-lit booth with leather couches and vintage microphone; we outcrazied the crazies warbling unmelodiously in adjacent rooms. In between bites of the fruit platter which had been laid out before us, we channelled our inner Beyonce, smashing the anthems of: Whitney Houston, Buble, One Direction, Barbie Girl, Bruno Mars, Charlie Puth, Take That, Josh Groban, Avici, Spice Girls, Taylor Swift, The Beatles, Bon Jovi and everything in between. 

Dad had a little too much fun (ATROCIOUSLY) singing his Eastleigh shirt out, unyielding on one of the mics; he hogged it despite relentless badgering. It wasn't until he put on a theatrical voice to sing Adele's Someone like you that he actually managed to carry the tune, sounding miles better. Did we laugh? Did we ever!! :D We didn't want to leave as early as the 'grown ups' so a car was ordered for them to return to the hotel while we continued to rock out. The Kardashians wish they could spend some quality sidesplitting family tomfoolery together like we had. We won't inflict you with the video footage but I will be keeping them for posterity as it is one of the most happy times we've had all together. 

SIBLINGS BEST FRIENDS CLUB - My bright idea (as I'm renowned for having!) was for us to walk back to Wangjiang, due to not having a large amount of exercise. Jamie believed it was only 30 minutes on foot and thought he could remember the way there. Alas, being a stereotypically geographically-challenged male, he was WRONG. *roll your eyes at my sexist remark if you must* He tried to load directions on his phone map app but it wouldn't work; this blip led to us crossing a river, ambling past caca-smelling bushes and dodging our demise by a whisker when we crossed the roads of terror. We gave up before we became utterly lost and Johannah suggested we get food until she could arrange an Uber for us. It later turned out that we had been heading the right way after all but we'd gone too far and then took an incorrect turn. 

Returning to the supermarket from earlier we hunted down din-din at the food court; we had to obtain a card to pre-load credit for our meals. Jamie, Amy and Joe had a very non-Chinese supper of spaghetti while I banqueted on a bowl of noodles, cabbage, broth and what I think was seaweed which had called out to my belly. The mishmash had such an aromatic flavouring but it was greasy as they heavily overload the pots with oil. Jamie went on the pursuit of cutlery as only chopsticks were provided, leaving his own spag bol to turn cold. It was fruitless as the supermarket only had a fancy set of silverware that would have set him back 1000 yuan. When we eventually got back to the hotel 3 or more hours after the rest, we were repentant that they'd all waited for us to have dinner but we didn't have a way to contact them. We helped Jamie put together a wedding playlist of mostly soppy but meaningful love songs before he had to get back to his own apartment. 

Recording the wonderments of our first trip to China

DAY 1 AND 2 - 

The North wind blew the Montigues away on a family adventure to be reunited in Chengdu with Jamie (the missing piece of our family puzzle) and Johannah (our soon to be sister/daughter-in-law); to wish them the best of everything and eternal bliss together as they marry. I didn't need to be a soothsayer to know that the journey wouldn't be plain sailing (should that be plane FLYING!!) but at least it allows me further global exploits which my soul sorely needs. 

PARTIAL HONESTY: I was a trifle terrified that a drone would crash into our plane as it had only that week on a BA flight landing at this very airport - Heathrow. This news spooked me no end but there was no need to be afraid for we were spared of any collision. It was after check in, that this JACKAL of a security officer lady was brusque to a wee dear who had no understanding of the English language. Heathrow very obviously do not have the best people on this duty for she showed zero patience to the woman who could not comprehend her demands to put certain items in a separate tray. Instead of assisting her, she kept raising her voice irately until I stepped in to help, to which she sarcastically remarked 'eventually!' I formally complained for my first time ever to her superior of such rudeness and didn't dance around how appalled I was by this disgraceful matron. 

There was still too much time to kill before our flight so we got the lay of the land before Amy and I dined at Giraffe. I surrendered to the delectable content of the avocado, hummus and roasted cherry tomato toasted artisan sourdough with basil oil and rocket. I'm still smacking my lips over that and the sweet potato fries I pinched from Amy's plate. She offered them up of her own free will; there was no sisterly hassling.. she truly just is a generous giraffe. Before we boarded our jet, a grounds worker thoughtfully facilitated a mini photo shoot of the 5 of us at the staircase.

AN ASTUTE EVALUATION - Joy is a JOY-less movie with Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper in a minuscule role about the creator of a self-wringing miracle mop. Yes, really an entire movie centred about this and Joy's business acumen which has been likened to a fairytale. Eh? Seriously, how did this film relating to a mop, not FLOP?? It is not a magical movie and was the opposite of anything joyful but I thank it for enabling me to snooze soundly for several hours until my grub of spicy pork in Schezuan sauce came by. Naturally, I avoided the pork like viewers should steer clear of this motion picture. 

ARE WE DESSERTING? - Why, yes we are and I hit the dessert jackpot with a chocolate ganache pudding cup which was gobbled up in a flash. It was officially an ugly sight but I cannot regret the decadence of the luscious sucrose. Trust me, you won't need the love or affection of any mortal man or woman when your undivided attention is invested in hoovering every particle!! We were also very fortunate not to be on a full flight so we spread out on the seats at the back of the aircraft. Mum and Dad were able to lay down in semi-comfort securing a row of their own each. 

At the plane's descent, we were granted with our introductory glimpses to mainland China; a barren landscape that I'd liken to craters on the moon, carpeted the terrain. We flew over a more dusty and mountainous expanse before coming in to land in a vibrantly green region studded with high rises and mucho mistiness. My cherub of a sister wasn't feeling at all well, not managing to sleep whatsoever :( so horrible to see her upset and unable to help her be more rested. 

The unholy humidity hit us all like a slap in the face as did our numero uno encounter with the despised toilets. Let's just say that these cubicles are not my definition of nirvana. Chengdu, please excuse my immediate but expected response which was to gag! On the small list of things I grew to dislike about China.. this is number 2 :D 

SEEING THE WORLD MAKES MY HEART SING (except when I'm bushed) - Jamie and Johannah were already at Arrivals to greet us with open arms and it was all recorded, although none of us were exactly fresh faced after 12+ hours of travel. We were over the moon to see them both at 11.15am local time but as it was 4.15am back in Britain, we were not ready to party hearty. Stupid time zones! As Julie's (our Aunt) flight was not due for another couple of hours we waited in an airport cafe, slurping freshly squeezed juice and having a good, old catch up with our J's. The establishment probably didn't want our kind in there, cluttering up the place with our suitcases galore!

SO MUCH CHAOS COMES WITH CHENGDU - Once Julie joined us, we divided into two cars and were made acquainted with the insanity of the streets. Mum was like a fish out of water, overwhelmed by the mania by all the traffic and lack of rules. The beeps signalling the presence of a car to avoid a collision were alarming, as we weaved our way through the hoi polloi. This is so far beyond any bedlam I've ever seen before and so we crossed our limbs that we'd make it to our destination unscathed with all body parts still intact. 

Jamie welcomed us to the 'land of waiting', as our rooms were not ready at Wangjiang Hotel but as Julie's was we all hung out in there until housekeeping had finished. Since we're vacationing in the middle of a park, picturesque views of the spacious grounds through the windows are encircling. No matter how small or silly it may seem, I have an uncontrollable urge to press buttons and LOVED that the rooms had these functions by our bedside whereby it would even open the curtains with one click or show us who was outside our door. 

TO EXOTIC EXPERIENCES - Amy starfished as we pushed 2x single beds together so that me, Mum and Amy would all have room to share, like a big mother/daughter sleepover. Before Jamie and Johannah returned, I showered and changed then we tuned into some reality TV show which I hope catches on in the UK named The Hidden Singer TV show. I don't get it but I love it and it sure feels crazy to listen to Chinese coming out of their mouths.. Our hosts came back bearing Pizza Hut goodies and since they wouldn't do pizza without cheese for me, I had shotgun of the chicken egg fried rice and salad. Flying to Asia was worth it just for this food!! 

My brother has a confident stride and glow about him since he made the move to Chengdu. We were all impressed by Jamie's Chinese language skills when he phoned down to reception to inquire when breakfast was and even his bride-to-be Johannah praised him for his understanding and pronunciation. Never have I been faced with such tremendously gold ornamentation than when we had a nose around our plush 5* surroundings. I was too mesmerised by the décor of the baby elephant fountains, cutesy panda cuddly toys bestrewn in bamboo as a grand foyer centerpiece and the stencil lamp lit path. Which we inquisitively followed, only to find a large lucky stone (I'm guessing it was lucky .. unless it is purely decorative) although it was dark, we wanted a closer look at where the wedding would be held on Sunday. The ceremony is guaranteed to bring tears to our eyes <3 xx