One outing to rule them all

BY NO MEANS AM I A HOBBIT NERD - 

Even so I still had the greatest time at the movie set in Matamata, when the sprightly twosome were whisked away to West Farthing to dance around bluebells and buttercups. I'd wanted to sleep on the coach but our driver preferred to commentate so I had to throw out a couple of courtesy chuckles. I didn't have the faintest notion just how charming Hobbiton would be but when in NZ, it is mandatory to visit and live out the fan fantasies. 

The tour itself was too fast paced with masses of LOTR enthusiasts roaming the 'village' so it was overcrowded and frantic with everyone vying for space and prime spots for ELFIES or group shots. We ourselves took excessive amounts of photographs but had to position ourselves closer to the front in order to do so. Most of the guided visitation went over my head, having *not* watched all of LOTR and none of The Hobbit trilogy but I was buzzin' like a bumblebee to be there all the same at the heartland of the strange inhabitants of fictional Middle Earth. 

COOL FACTS AND STUFF - 

• The 4.8 hectare farm was chosen primarily for the tall tree beside a pond to resemble the 'Party Tree' and was discovered via aerial search. Peter Jackson approached The Alexander's for permission to film on their land but they'd never heard of Lord of the Rings
• Hobbiton's original holes were polystyrene and plywood but they were all demolished after filming of The Lord of the Rings trilogy was completed. Then when the Hobbit movies were shot they made permanent structures using brick, concrete and wood - with a team of 70!
• Year round maintenance and gardeners grow seasonal produce and flowers
• Panning shots of even a millisecond had to be accurate and true to the book. As such, all the fruit was picked off the apple and peach trees which had grown and plums were added by wire purely because plums are briefly mentioned in the novel.  After all that effort, the scene was CUT!! 
• No filming took place if it was rainy to create an always happy, sunshiney feel
• Peter Jackson legally made it a 'No fly zone' to avoid leaked pics which annoyed a local flying school no end
• Clever angles were used so hobbits appeared smaller
• The director hired out a nearby house, paying for the family who owned it to take a holiday 
• Locals who fit the bill of the required 5ft 2 height with a round face were used as extras
• This is where Peter J wishes to retire
• 

  

  

  

  

BE JEALOUS - 

For we were admitted on 'Party Business' to explore Bag End; we must be part Hobbit! Did we exploit the opportunity??? OF COURSE! The Monty monkeys escaped our tour guide midway through to inspect the 44 fun-sized (a little like myself!) Hobbit holes on this idyllic movie set. The holes are merely decorative as filming was mainly done in the studio for interior shots. Still, we cavorted on the doorsteps of the characters: Bilbo, Samwise, Peregrin, Meriadoc and more. I re-enacted Bilbo Baggins memorable line, 'I'm going on an ADVENTURE!!!!!' in the cheeriest manner but on the wrong pathway as I had not seen the clip before. 

The attention to detail is intricate and astonishing with: a wasp on a mailbox, diddy clothes on a washing line, fake cake, lanterns and chimney tops. Manicured lawns, grassy embankments and blossom trees create the perfect vibe of The Shire and it's all these tiny embellishments that help make every day there feel like Christmas. They truly scouted out the perfect place for Tolkein's story books to come alive. 

MATAMATA MAKES YOU LIKE IT!! - 

The calm lake, complete with an operating watermill is breath taking and all eyes were mesmerised by the 80 ft party tree and brick bridge that we crossed to the Green Dragon, located in South Farthing. We gathered in the human-size set to carouse at the common tavern; sis and I procured the best table at the boozer. Ginger beer was guzzled in goblets which is brewed exclusively for Hobbiton and it did not disappoint. 

Peter Jackson is a genius for precisely depicting this merry land of enchantment where EVERYONE has fun! We stopped in the souvenir store on the way back to the bus; Amy bought the raddest snow globe. Scenes were played to us on the return to Rotorua and the LOTR geeks couldn't hide their passion for the crazed experience. But you don't need to be a Tolkein 'dork' to love each and every moment! We had a sweet, little, beautiful, wonderful, perfect, Tolkien-ian time :) 

GOOD TIMES AREN'T WASTED IN THESE PLACES - 

Many scatter to the charming, ice cream parlour that is Lady Jane's Ice Cream on Eat Streat; we didn't want to pass up on salted caramel, chocolate and almond, a scoop of boysenberry topped with sprinkled nuts. My serving was a very spirited ice cream; granted, it's not as sublime as Giapo but still they have a way with the dairy and only a NON-ice cream lover would dislike it. It wasn't nice crashing into black swans by the lakefront; terror ensued and they did not disprove my theory that every one of them are HEINOUS psychos, wishing to exact revenge upon me. I freaked for they can smell my fear!!

At 3D Trick Art Gallery we had the greatest fun with more than 50 works of vivid art that immerse you in 'an optical illusion of 3D structures from 2D paintings.' Special high transparency paint is worked with which produces a layer that adds a 'curve and reflection rate of light' and drawing techniques of shading help to give certain effects from various perspectives. It has really taken off as an enterprise in a big way! 

SO MUCH ENJOYMENT TO BE HAD FOR ALL PEOPLE - 

Some of our pics were poorly executed but most consisted of our wacky poses with en point facial expressions and we put the sexy in it!! All the images had us in non-stop, REAL laughter as I often became the butt end of the photo jokes. Where else can you: rip up an iconic painting, step into a Venice scene, receive an injection from Mona Lisa, became a baby all over again or ride dolphins and alpacas all in one afternoon?? 

We: were nearly gobbled by a giant Maori, trapped inside a wintry snow globe, bungy jumped, narrowly escaped the jaws of a croc, walked on the moon, did the haka, spurted skywards with a geyser eruption, lazed with panda, rapelled down mountains and took a flight in a hot air balloon. The coolest and largest scale work of trick art had us balanced on a log over a deep ravine in a fairy tale setting, complete with castle; a staff member took it from the gantry above and it looks so realistic!! 

AN IMPROMPTU MEXICAN - 

I was a messy pup eating chicken tacos with jalapeno aioli and salsas at El Mexicano Zafato Cantina, with the greatest taco-eating partner in crime of all time. Sauces were so deLUSHous that the kitchen crew came out to give us spoons enabling us to have every last lick! However their churros were an abomination to real McCoy churros and the chocolate sauce accompanying it was yucky. Not a one was gasto-sensuous and it took some time afterwards for me to mellow out. The dough was too oily and the batter too crunchy for my teeth. 

We cheated ourselves out of having a heck of a lot of fun on our final Rotoruan night by washing and drying a load of laundry each. As the articles of clothing were still damp at the end of the cycle and the guest laundry was due to close, we were forced to get creative with drying methods. Ergo, we resorted to 1) blasting multiple items with a hairdryer 2) opening the window and draping washing over the blinds 3) Whilst Amy's clothes were spread and hung across a storage shelfing unit, I had some garments on a picnic table outside, held down with rocks. Our titchy room became a sauna and made me feel faint as we'd gone so laundry crazy, we couldn't do anything else. We loved our hijinks together in this provincial town. 

 Here you can really see the difference angles make in creating the 3D illusion 

SUPRESSING SO MUCH RAGE - 

Thursday 5th October was a day of one disaster after another which I will now proceed to run through in chronological order - 

#UNO - Amy accidentally dropped a carton of crackers on my head and I LMAO-ed as there's now cause for me being indisputably crackers!!!!!! 

#DOS - I rolled the gigantical suitcase Julie has loaned me over my big toe on the left foot and that wasn't TOEriffic! Amy gets a gold star for her nursing assistance. I had to hobble to Kuirau Park for a foot bath for an unexpectably enjoyable park stroll. 

#TRES - There were too many black beans in my huevos rancheros at Abracabra Cade plus it took double the time Amy's order was served. Do they find that patrons are IMPRESSED by that plate? I can't say it nicely, I hated my meal and was completely disappointed having talked up how MAGIC the nosh was there to Amy. 

#QUATRO - We were catcalled by 5 year old, little rascal boys 'would you like a kiss?' No ta, we don't want social services knocking on our door. 

#CINCO - Our Intercity bus from  Taupo onto Wellington was over an hour late. I was all pumped and ready to give the driver what for but he was so apologetic about the roadworks I felt terribly for him so restrained Riannester from ranting. At least Amy was able to look at Lake Taupo. 

#SEIS - Gumboot Cafe's bowl of chips came with the most rank aioli. When have gumboots ever given you something GOOD? Stupidly named too!

#SIETE - Hellish travelling as two under tens were journeying without adult supervision, yapping away and fake giggling. A toddler was kicking the back of my chair and tried to strangle me with my coat. We then had to wait ages for the youngster cousins to be picked up by a grown up at their stop. Many of us were fuming at the parental irresponsibility!! 

#OCHO - When we finally disembarked at Wellington Railway Station, the taxi driver ran the meter up to $6 before we'd even got in the vehicle - not cool, NOT cool, notttttttt cool!! I was madder than that. He had no decency! It's times like that when I realise I need to download the Uber app. 

#NIEVE - On arrival at our arty, 3 storey Air B n B apartment, the home owners seemed incensed with the amount of possessions we'd brought with us as we lugged luggage upstairs. They made us pack up purely what we'd NEED for our stay in smaller cases they provided, leaving our larger ones the floor below. 

#DIEZ - Our hosts are odd, ODD people who wouldn't allow us to lock the bathroom door incase they needed the toilet while we were in the shower, meaning we had to keep guard for each other so they wouldn't walk in on us in a state of undress!!! I didn't want to be there with them for the next few nights. All in all, it wasn't a really magical travel day that we had and it will much amuse you. 

Well *THIS* is one of the most amazing holidays of my life!

WHEN YOU LOOK UP 'STENCHY' IN THE DICTIONARY, THIS IS IT - 

After six full days in Auckland, it was time to move on and show Amy different parts of New Zealand. Our next destination took us to the stinky town of Rotorua aka the coolest *HOT* spot. We got to our lodgings at Astray Motel following a 4 hour bus ride and we weren't delighted with our squishy, cramped room as it wasn't how it had looked online. The owner was most helpful and accommodating so that made up for our lack of space.

Before we began our grand adventure of luging at Skyline Rotorua, where the world's first luge track opened the year I was born, we appraised Jelly belly art - replicas of acclaimed paintings constructed entirely from jelly beans. The representations of Harry Potter and Van Gogh's 'Starry Night' were both geeky and immaculate. Mona Lisa's reproduction used over 17000 beans and was unapologetically but weirdly remarkable - who has the time, patience and nimble fingers to assemble an edible painting?!!

SPEEDY GONZALES HAS GOT NOTHIN' ON ME - 

It was a fairly gentle ride up 900 metres of cableway over Mt Ngongotaha, which is 487 metres above sea level on the gondola. Incredibly, it has a vertical rise of 178.5 metres and can carry 2000 people an hour but is still not as death defyingly steep as the one in Queenstown. There was so much intense beauty below as we overlooked the geothermal vistas in a truly idyllic location of the steaming city. We paid a heavily discounted rate for 4 luge rides, thanks to the website Book Me and had a very rapid demo of how to work the breaks as we buckled up. Then we were OFF like Lighting McQueen! And no, I did not scream like a little girl... that came later.

Despite us sticking to the same track downhill, the scenic route, each joyride was an enthralling thrill winding through shady forest We never progressed to the Advanced or Intermediate level as we wanted to get the most for our money and the Scenic route was the longest in length. Once we'd gotten to grips with the gears, we had a totally tubular time! 

 

Photo credit to Skyline Rotorua 

BRAVA, ME! - 

On my first go, I got stuck twice having to stop for slow coaches in front of me as there wasn't room for me to pass them by and then I couldn't regain the momentum to start back up and was at a sluggishly, snail speed. Whilst whizzing, I came to the proud conclusion that I'm scarily suited to luging for a) The yellow kid-size helmet really brings out my 'cool'-ness even if the strap did somewhat strangle underneath my chin b) I kicked the tushies of a hooligan-ish school group of speed demons and c) The dimensions of the sled are practically tailor fit for those short in height such as myself. 

There's nothing nice about a chair lift, I have determined. We had to use it to return to the top of the track and I shrieked with horror on the first stint and not just because as we perched ready to mount the mode of elevated transportation, it booted my butt. On our third spin, we each had to take up a random 6 year old boy as they were unaccompanied by adults. The little lad who rode with me was a chatty Charlie, telling me all about his life while waving to his friend in front with Amy. It would've been humiliating to freak out next to an infant so I conveyed calmness convincingly. 

SPENDING EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY TOGETHER IS SUCH FUN! - 

Rotovegas is a satirical nickname for the volcanic city in which there's a decorative, neon sign atop the Fairy Springs attraction in imitation of the famous billboard in Sin City. We pop star-posed beneath it and then admired views on the cherry blossom walk. If I were a sketcher, this would be a delightful vista to create a likeness of. Our arms were aching after all the steering and breaking! We headed down Eat Streat to pick out a place to dine; it was gorgeous and buzzing with dubious clientele. Settling on Lovely India for a Chicken Madras and naan attack, surmising that this greediness must be my least attractive quality. 

The lakefront can't stop being charming in the charcoal of dusk as lovers stroll arm in arm. We grabbed a few shots of the enlarged Scrabble pieces spelling out 'Imagine' for the 'Gram. It has the last 'I' missing so passers-by can become part of the art and form the letter with an electric blue, romantic backdrop of the lake and Mokoia Island behind. Passing the fun fair, seeing families enjoy the pleasure rides, I sang out loud in a hyper tone; Amy doesn't know HOW I can do that in public!! I'm just really good at taking the mick out of myself.

THE MUD MARE BEGINNETH -

Our 2nd Rotoruan day, Thermal Land Shuttles transported us on an excursion starting out at the mud pools of Ngatira, the largest in the country and second biggest world wide. These are thought to be 700 years old and between 60-80 degrees Celsius with a PH level of 2 making them highly acidic. Our driver Thomas, told us that we passed over approx. 70 fault lines that have caused rippling hills and the entire country to shift 1 centimetre a year; this equates to 1 metre every century. We paid a visit to the immensely volcanic zone that is Wai O Tapu, a geothermal wonderland of malodorous beauty - part of Maroa Caldera formed an estimated 160,000 years ago. 

EVERYWHERE at the Scenic Reserve casts out a pungent, sulphuric scent of millions of hard boiled eggs; it's not particularly pleasant. I can still smell the rotten, fermented egg now; it had Amy dry retching frequently as the pong escalated. On the Red Track, you're literally smelling what they're 'selling' the whole way round; the pungency slaps your senses from the off at Devil's Home, a collapsed crater eaten away by underground acid erosion. It's 'tinged with a greenish hue from the cooling sulphuric vapours and ferrous salts escaping into the atmosphere.' 

IT'S TIMES LIKE THIS WHEN YOU WANNA RIP OFF YOUR NOSE. - 

Bubbly, hot mud pools like the Devils Ink Pots are nature's boiling hot tubs and hotter than hell itself. Acidity in the steam 'nibbles away' at the ground below forming collapsed craters and no escape from their rancid emanations. Inferno Crater is another that gets all fired up with the level of minerals and oxides it contains but Birds Nest Crater is another glorious feature as many species of bird including starlings and swallows, incubate their eggs during the nesting period in the walls of the crater.

Artist's Palette, the largest of Wai O Tapu's hot water springs was named 'because of the trace mineral deposits that streak its surface' when windy. That results in really glowy oranges, purples and blues of a vibrancy I'd never seen before. But it's the Champagne Pools which are the star attraction of the Red Track, billowing steam far and wide. It 'occupies a 700 year old explosion crater formed by a hydro-thermal eruption', measuring 62 metres deep with a slightly acidic PH of 5.4. Water enters through a deep conduit at 230 degrees Celsius and cools to 74. Gas bubbles of carbon dioxide, similar to those within a glass of champagne (hence the name!) and an orange tinge containing dissolved gold, silver and mercury compounds. 65 metres in diameter with an estimated volume of 50,000 m3 of geothermal fluid; it astonishes and draws you closer for a better look.

NOT EVEN THE PRETTINESS CAN COUNTERACT THE REPULSIVE AROMA EMANATING -

Devil's Bath was the most radiant and stenchiest highlight, a freakishly, lime green 'swamp' of stagnant sewage water. It is sure to overwhelm the senses with its colour and sulphur deposits floating on the surface. I like to think of the putrid odour as an experiment in tolerance and tenacity until you cannot stomach it a minute longer.

Lady Knox Geyser is the show stealer, induced with surfactant or soap powder into the vent at the scheduled 10.15am almost on the dot each day. Eruptions of the geyser were stumbled upon by convicts in the area doing their washing in it with powder. The presenter of the 'spectacle' shatters the illusion that it is a natural reaction. As the scene is set in the natural amphitheatre, they reason that they have to coax the outburst as genuine eruptions are completely unpredictable and visitors would be waiting a long time. Jets of water can reach up to 20 metres and last over an hour! The warm up man does his level best to make the event *TOO* much but the medium spurt from the spring was met with a lukewarm response from the crowd. 

ACTUALLY JUMPING UP AND DOWN WITH GLEE AS IS OUR WAY ON HOLIDAY - 

After the Geyser's production, we went round the tracks again this time as stragglers on the orange and yellow trails until our fire burnt out. We left as okay as anybody can be after voluntarily subjecting themselves to possibly the most offensive scent ever to be smelt. As sun chasers we lunched on a picnic bench on the lawn amongst dainty bird grovelling at our feet for crumbs - little imps! Closed out the afternoon in Government Gardens which are glorious in springtime full of the brightest shades. Tulip Fest was taking place - more than 100,000 cheerily coloured tulips were planted across the city, many of the exotic blooms and subtle pastels were displayed in the gardens. 

Back in Rainbow Springs, we attended the fun, celebratory fest that is Mitai Maori Evening. Lucky girls, hey? We had the same compere (along with his same chocolate cake jokes) as last time for our tribe of 14 nations which delighted me as he's a HOOT. We were seated at table 1 but the only ones who spoke to us were a lovely couple from America; the Aussies ignored our end and only mingled with their fellow Ozians. 

CHEERS TO AN AUTHENTIC HANGI EXPERIENCE. - 

Amy and I were in hysterics when the Maori maiden told us to look 'behind' at a waka carving; I did, forgetting I was AT the end as it was! The war canoe race exposed the ripped bods of the warriors as they paddled downstream, pulling crazy faces for all the onlookers. The great event of the Hangi was unveiled to applause as the sight and smell of the roasted feast were smashing. It was brought out from the underground where it had cooked for many hours.

Exciting performances from the Maori tribe were joyously inspiring and consisted of all the traditional usuals. The warmth from the fire onstage was sooooooo good as hymnals melted my soul. I'm a smiley moron when the haka is released with full, unabashed passion; to the point where it lights me up inside so greatly that I want to join in with the whanau.

WE LED QUITE A COLOURFUL TUESDAY AND THEY DON'T COME BETTER -

The grub blew our socks off! We went heavy on deLUSHous cuisine (my new term for lush, delicious food) and admittedly, I was a kumara hog but my plan was to get my money's worth and indeed, I DID!! Once the banqueting was complete, we were led on a bush walk through Fairy Springs while our guide curated all about the land and the medicinal properties of plants. Maori literally means 'nature' and tribes used to live solely off the land.

Glow worms dazzled luminously in the undergrowth on our lovely ramble through the woods. It made me mad as guests were shining their torches directly onto the larvae - KILLING them; I tutted but was ready to unleash holy hell! The springs pump up 24 million litres of water per day, directly from Rainbow Mountain; we'd drunk the l'eau du minerale at the dinner table but thankfully it was free from eels that inhabit the spring. No visible sign of fairies however :D Those with purple stickers went on a 40 minute night walk to see kiwis at Rainbow Springs next door.  I'd die of delight if I saw a kiwi in the wild, so fervently wished I had the extra dollars to tag along. Trouble is, I would then want to steal them away and keep many as pets. I can only pour praise upon the staff at Mitai for bringing extraordinary cheer to the people.