Hart of Dixie Wisdom (Parades and Pariahs)

1) You know you're living in Alabama when you're woken and greeted by a bullfrog croaking on your stomach. Only to realise that you have more in common with the creature because you're both unwelcome nuisances. 

2) All small towns have those gossipy grannies, who look on in horrification and gasp viciously about you being an illegitimate love child and how that explains the brazen shorts you're wearing!  

3) Communities are not animal shelters and as such they don't have to accept every stray that comes their way. Two strapping men should be able to figure out how to chase away one yippy, little 'mongrel'/woman when bid by one of those freakish, hellish daughters/fiances. 

4) Grits taste exactly like you thought they would..DELICIOUS *sarcasm splatted* It's as though it wants every spoonful to be as painful and bleurkky as humanly possible. 

5) Your top tottie neighbour is totes trying to get the sex on with you, when sweetly offering a cup of sugar. If that line ever works on a poor girl, go to the nearest Doctor's office to be dispensed with penicillin pronto. 

6) You'd think treating warts with duct tape would be a real bonehead move, but 'sometimes the old ways are the best ways.' 

7) 'Being fourteen isn't easy for anyone.' Particularly when the crush that hasn't noticed you is a stupid, Southern man 'stuck in the antiquated notion of the female ideal.' WWCBD? (What would Carrie Bradshaw do? for the non SATC watchers like myself) Even with age, we continue to fall for the wrong men - the ones that are mean, hurtful and despicable. When will we learn?

8) In deer-hunting season, you may suffer from tick paralysis. But if you 'wouldn't know a tick from a taxi cab'.. how are you supposed to distinguish that?? 

9) If you speak like a martian and almost break your head on linoleum on a bathroom floor at a bar, you are not fine. When you're sick, you can't pretend like nothing's wrong. Jeopardising your health is not worth it - ever. 

10) Generic beer breath is a big turn off - such is the tragedy of many kissing choices. 

11) Is there ANYTHING you can't construct with chicken wire? 

12) You have no right to be filled with moral outrage, regarding what is highly inappropriate and disrespectful of a former paramour (with whom you cheated on your faithful fiancee) only to lambaste them in a phone call.

13) A stunt pulled by the most irresponsible person you've ever met, is always going to be seen as selfish and obnoxious. Sometimes there's a life or death reason for the lunacy. 

14) Don't ruin your beloved dead father's legacy when he was such a saint and pillar to the community. You owe it to him to walk a mile in his shoes and not hide away after sacrificing your social standing once again. 

15) To snap a girl out of it when she's freaking, lock lips with the lass! It's the gallant thing to do, so she fears not. 

16) Teenagers cannot count on a deviously charming man to have an I-Carly sense of romance, without threats of having their lips hotglued together. 

17) Carbo-loading before a big day with take out pancakes is practically a requirement. (Hence why I stuff my face on such occasions til my teeth bleed!!) 

18) Riding on the mayor's float is 'a big honour. BIG honour.' Apparently it is the key to legitimacy, it demonstrates that you want to fit in and thenceforth people desiring to kill or sue you - will be willing to forgive you anything. 

19) The need to create a diversion culminates in crashing floats, mental distress, attempted negligence/murder.  

20) 'We all do stupid things to fit in.' Wearing a football costume (she means UNIFORM) is one of the mildest. Just be thankful you're not parading around in some ridiculous outfit dressed as a bird. 

21) Sooner or later we all must face the music.. 'the weird, old timey, banjoey music.' Sorry is not going to cut it with the angry out of towner haters, who feel you are mocking them and their traditions. 

22) Even a person who doesn't look like they eat peach pie - if you put a peach pie in front of them, they WILL eat it. Obvs - it's bliss on a dish. 

Hart of Dixie wisdom (Pilot episode)

1) 4 years after your plans to follow in your disappointment of a father's footsteps don't turn out as you hope, you'll be sat on a bus next to someone who smells like cheese. What sort of hell has life brought you to??

2) Turns out being lovable, pretty and wise is not enough. The man you love will dump you, if you like talking about surgery more than discussing his day. 

3) Patients are people to help - not puzzles to solve. This is going to revolutionise the Doctor bedside manner that everyone is so obsessed with. 

4) Not getting the job you have your heart set on is a sign that you're destined to be a hand model instead, according to the Mama. This is actually your crossroads moment to find a new route. 

5) Lugging all your luggage 3 miles in your cute, adorable little heels would be STUPID.  

6) Prior to accepting a ride from an attractive attorney, ensure he's not an ax murderer if you have a strong policy against being chopped up into a million pieces!! 

7) Clearly the man who has been sending you postcards since your Graduation is an avocado short of a Cobb salad. 

8) You are nutballs if you're expecting sous vide grouper with a mint julep in the Gulf. They've got Catfish and it's fried. You could not be less excited about that..

9) There is some news you just shouldn't tell an Alabaman while he's hunting and has his rifle locked and loaded. 

10) Mock elite young ladies all you want no holds barred, only not out loud as they're meaner than they look. The Sopranos have got nothing on them. 

11) If your career hasn't already been killed by your mother, then it certainly won't be by some Southern xenophobe dressed up like a stick of butter! 

12) You will put on half a ton when boyfriend dumps you - that's all the permission we need to pile on the pounds via self-pity scoffing. 

13) That thing about potato chips - how you can't just eat one. Yeah *that!!* Who caresssss? We live but once. 

14) If your new digs is not your loft in Soho simply order some stuff from Barneys online to make the place more homey. New is always better. 

15) You can deny that your hottie with a body, neighbour's smile might make all the girls at the church social swoon but it won't work on you.. ALL you like. Later on that same night, you will you be blitzed out and making out with the electricity stealing buffoon in his car. In the hottest possible way. 

16) Alligators are classified as friendly pets down in the 'Bama. So if you stumble across one in your path, simply tell them to 'Beat it!' Though if you ever see a hungry face - RUN. 

17) Small towns have their perks, when the nightly jog of a handsome face is interrupted to climb into mud and save our well-toned ass. We say thank you. 

18) You should be able to tell a legally blind man when he's in front of your face before he runs over and maims the town golden boy. 

19) Morphine is the easy part of a dislocated shoulder. 

20) SATC DVD's teach us that New York has everything. Why would anyone ever leave? 

21) Chasing away the girl who nearly killed 2 people, is a breeze for a town that's survived Katrina and BP by boarding up windows with sandbags, to keep the rot outside from fouling their community.

22) You've sunk to your lowest point when you get drunk as a boiled owl from wine in a box, you're alone in the woods and have got the guy you kinda liked, who turns out is engaged - run over!! 

23) Although you're tired and in pain you need to be stronger than you've ever been in your entire life for the final push of labour. All of which will be worth it, when you meet the beautiful, perfect person you've made. 

24) The most popular parental lies are choices they've made using deceitful means, apparently for the child's 'protection', but really it's just to hide their seedy affair with an older man on a Greek cruise that resulted in your conception. It doesn't matter if you love that person, if you don't belong in their world. You can discuss it in therapy like normal people. 

25) Wrestling in poison oak is ill-advised!!