2) Decorating your smack-dab-in-the-middle-of-everything store for the Autumn festival may go totally against your nature, but 'how's it gonna hurt to have a paper turkey?' If the mob mentality can't convince him to stick up a few streamers, or squash or pumpkins or anything coloured orange, to get in the 'spirit of fall' - nothing will.
3) After the new kid (working in the market) tricks you into having his way with you in aisle 3 by the pest spray ('that's a good aisle!) by making you guess which hand the 'pop' is in, politely say 'thank you'. It is perfectly, perfectly fine to then run out thereby shoplifting the cornstarch, you were feigning interest in; as is standard for a back bender of a perfect first kiss.
4) Instinctively, you'll be reluctant to inform your mother of aforementioned stolen kiss (and cornstarch!) when 'the last time the subject of boys came up it got very ugly.' No frickin' kidding she shan't be chuffed to learn it is the very same cad you were wanting to quit your fancy new school for.
5) Failing to connect to a stupid customer service repair person, competent of diagnosing the high pitched noise coming from your stupid fridge, renders us 'crabby and (completely) useless' life haters! Why oh why oh WHY is it that the grease monkeys can never give us a specific time to come and look? 'Monday between 3 and 8' is not great and we will get irate.
7) Rankled females rightfully reserve the liberty to find the names of our prospective Prince Charming's exes repugnant. 'I hate the name Beth; it's so... BETH..'
8) 'Food without ambiance isn't really food, is it?' You're probabababably not the first diner dweller to tell a party pooper that the eatery is 'much too depressing for tea' without festive decorations either.
9) Thou shalt not kill the smug-lemons-mean-nothing-to-him-bag boy we're spying on, on double coupon day, no matter how much we want to throw him down, mess his face up and kick his ass! 'That lothario over there wormed his way into my daughter's heart and mouth and for that he must die!'
10) Children grow up and get boyfriends/girlfriends and there's nothing anyone can do. 'Okay, Mr Reality, break into somebody else's house.' So eventually you'll just have to become 'okay with an ish' about it, whether or not you disapprove. You should brace yourself for the uncomfortable weirdness that comes with this uncharted teen territory.
11) Mothers would rather eat glass than hear about their daughter's supermarket sluttery but 'you didn't think you'd be able to keep it a secret' did you? They won't love the way they found out about your making out and will be completely weirded out. Yet profess to have 'never been finer' upon the awful awakening that these things 'are bound to happen occasionally.'
12) 'Are you crazy? You can't watch Willy Wonka without massive amounts of junk food it's not right, I won't allow it.' Mandatory mammoth munchies to 'slowly rot your insides' include: marshmallows, jellybeans, chocolate kisses, cookie dough, peanut butter, red vines AND pizza. Failing that, is an affront to the very essence of Gene Wilder's character.
13) 'You got to love a guy with great eyes' 'and a nice smile' AND a yum bum :D But if the man you land, doth not possess these ideals - remind yourself 'they're all lovely with the lights off!' Hahahahaaaaaa :P
14) 'In what universe' would your daughter be happy that you humiliatingly invited the boy that she likes to your house to watch a movie with them? 'This isn't Amish county. Girls and boys usually date alone.' Nobody wants their numero uno hanging out session to be accompanied by their mother, as a prelude to a first date.
15) As females we frequently experience chronic 'fashion brain freeze', for we are 'supposed to look girly and pretty, which is completely impossible because I'm gross and I have nothing to wear.' We empty everything in our wardrobe, try it all on multiple times (sometimes altering an accessory or two), decide we dislike all the clothes we own and look ghastly in them. Then usually settle for the first outfit we selected. The fabrics we wear are immaterial, if you are about to spend the evening with a guy who just likes you for YOU, not for the apparel on your back. As a bitty bonus, maybe it'll help you chuck out some of the ugly pieces of crap in your closet!
16) 'This whole guy thing' takes some getting used to in order to 'have a comeback for everything', to 'make him laugh' and 'smile right.' For a girl feeling she could hurl, give the hair twirl a whirl. It can be taught when it looks like you've got yourself a teenager crush situation.
17) 'Sweetheart the whole town is watching you' with a beloved girl, 'in a very small, weird place.' 'You hurt her, there's not a safe place within 100 miles for you to hide.' 'Curfew will be enforced', she's not going on your motorcycle and is not to be detracted from her school work. Parents 'reserve the right to change, alter, tweak or add to this list of rules at any given time without any written notice.' Buckle up, peaches!!
18) Anecdotes that adorably embarrass your bambino (like how they spent hours trying to cheer up a weeping willow tree) are supposed to be off limits. Baby bum snapshots must be concealed when cute guys wishing to be a lot more than your kid's friend, is over also.
19) Always ask for extra sauce with a pizza. Just because Sookie St James says! :D
20) 'Most girls don't eat - I'm all for it.' Should your womanly wiles and CUTEous maximus, fail to impress: astonish the man with your elephantine eating habits.
21) Having a thing for a cartoon, like Prince Charming in Sleeping Beauty (not Cinderella) 'cause he can dance' is to be mocked. Luckily, animated characters cannot impregnate adolescents.
22)'What are you waiting for?' if you haven't seen the movie 'The Way we were' - 'heartache, laughter, communism - all in one neat package.' You'll have to experience it sometime. From what I hear, it's one to watch with your gal pals.
23) What kind of 'chaperone' leaves their baby alone and freaking out, to sit in the kitchen, 'trying to find the best bathing suit for their bust size'? One, trying to be a girlfriend to their daughter. Switch gears and get back in there!!!!
24) None of us want to say or do anything 'remotely moronic' around the perfect one who 'smells really good and looks amazing'. The trouble with love is 'I'm afraid once your heart is involved it all comes out in moron.' The good news is if they're impervious to even your most moronic moves, you've found a non-jerk!
25) The chap who has charmed your little cherub, could be close to winning you over with a reassuring speech. 'You can lay on all the rules you want and you can have the whole town spy on me and stare at me and chase me through the streets. But I'm not going anywhere.' They need for parent(s) not to hate them or they 'don't have a shot in hell with..' a daughter.
9) Thou shalt not kill the smug-lemons-mean-nothing-to-him-bag boy we're spying on, on double coupon day, no matter how much we want to throw him down, mess his face up and kick his ass! 'That lothario over there wormed his way into my daughter's heart and mouth and for that he must die!'
10) Children grow up and get boyfriends/girlfriends and there's nothing anyone can do. 'Okay, Mr Reality, break into somebody else's house.' So eventually you'll just have to become 'okay with an ish' about it, whether or not you disapprove. You should brace yourself for the uncomfortable weirdness that comes with this uncharted teen territory.
12) 'Are you crazy? You can't watch Willy Wonka without massive amounts of junk food it's not right, I won't allow it.' Mandatory mammoth munchies to 'slowly rot your insides' include: marshmallows, jellybeans, chocolate kisses, cookie dough, peanut butter, red vines AND pizza. Failing that, is an affront to the very essence of Gene Wilder's character.
13) 'You got to love a guy with great eyes' 'and a nice smile' AND a yum bum :D But if the man you land, doth not possess these ideals - remind yourself 'they're all lovely with the lights off!' Hahahahaaaaaa :P
14) 'In what universe' would your daughter be happy that you humiliatingly invited the boy that she likes to your house to watch a movie with them? 'This isn't Amish county. Girls and boys usually date alone.' Nobody wants their numero uno hanging out session to be accompanied by their mother, as a prelude to a first date.
15) As females we frequently experience chronic 'fashion brain freeze', for we are 'supposed to look girly and pretty, which is completely impossible because I'm gross and I have nothing to wear.' We empty everything in our wardrobe, try it all on multiple times (sometimes altering an accessory or two), decide we dislike all the clothes we own and look ghastly in them. Then usually settle for the first outfit we selected. The fabrics we wear are immaterial, if you are about to spend the evening with a guy who just likes you for YOU, not for the apparel on your back. As a bitty bonus, maybe it'll help you chuck out some of the ugly pieces of crap in your closet!
17) 'Sweetheart the whole town is watching you' with a beloved girl, 'in a very small, weird place.' 'You hurt her, there's not a safe place within 100 miles for you to hide.' 'Curfew will be enforced', she's not going on your motorcycle and is not to be detracted from her school work. Parents 'reserve the right to change, alter, tweak or add to this list of rules at any given time without any written notice.' Buckle up, peaches!!
18) Anecdotes that adorably embarrass your bambino (like how they spent hours trying to cheer up a weeping willow tree) are supposed to be off limits. Baby bum snapshots must be concealed when cute guys wishing to be a lot more than your kid's friend, is over also.
19) Always ask for extra sauce with a pizza. Just because Sookie St James says! :D
20) 'Most girls don't eat - I'm all for it.' Should your womanly wiles and CUTEous maximus, fail to impress: astonish the man with your elephantine eating habits.
22)'What are you waiting for?' if you haven't seen the movie 'The Way we were' - 'heartache, laughter, communism - all in one neat package.' You'll have to experience it sometime. From what I hear, it's one to watch with your gal pals.
23) What kind of 'chaperone' leaves their baby alone and freaking out, to sit in the kitchen, 'trying to find the best bathing suit for their bust size'? One, trying to be a girlfriend to their daughter. Switch gears and get back in there!!!!
24) None of us want to say or do anything 'remotely moronic' around the perfect one who 'smells really good and looks amazing'. The trouble with love is 'I'm afraid once your heart is involved it all comes out in moron.' The good news is if they're impervious to even your most moronic moves, you've found a non-jerk!
25) The chap who has charmed your little cherub, could be close to winning you over with a reassuring speech. 'You can lay on all the rules you want and you can have the whole town spy on me and stare at me and chase me through the streets. But I'm not going anywhere.' They need for parent(s) not to hate them or they 'don't have a shot in hell with..' a daughter.
"I got kissed... and I shoplifted!"
ReplyDeleteOne of my favorite episodes!