Hart of Dixie Wisdom (Sweetie Pies and Sweaty Palms)

1) In a relationship,'nothing says serious like a small town slow dance under twinkle lights.' A visual confirmation of your romance in a public setting opens you and your sweetie pie up to scrutiny within your community.  

2) The love life of a grown ass woman 'doesn't need to be dictated by the town's crazy calendar.' Cordially invite these peeps to cool it and laugh in the face of any detractors declaring that you'll die alone. 

3) Envelopes for save the date cards 'give the first impression of (y)our wedding. They have to be perfect.' I am stone cold serious. Calligraphying them yourself gives that extra, personal touch that recipients will appreciate. N.B - Proper decorum states they are mailed 3 months prior to the date. 

4) Red roses say 'be mine' and are 'simple, direct, to the point.' Even these dumb dumbs can't miss with this romantic floral bouquet, corsage or even a single long stem for your special someone. 

5) 'Wound up little corkscrews' need their rituals to relax. Thereby, they will tolerate  NO guava shampoo stealing or possum bubble bath interruptions! Watch your back, handsome bandits; you'll get yours :D 

6) Honeys, ZIPPO 'is more romantic than infecting others with the fever.' Helping others get babes is easier than pie and sweeter too. 

7) Double dating with your Daddy and a very nice woman 'is a horrible idea!' Trying to trick two singletons into courting, is a recipe for disaster and getting your tush kicked. 

8) 'Fireants' in underpants is RED HOT revenge for the no good punk, determined to ruin your happy night. That's a surefire way to stop the smirks!

9) It's not cool to 'cool things off for a while' just because your girl's turd of a dramatic ex-boyfriend is back in town and there's history. 

10) Daughters don't always 'know what's best' for their poor fathers. Suddenly, setting up your Dad is not so adorable when it hits you that he doesn't want to be there. 

11) There is no quiet dignity in climbing out a second storey window, down a tree and falling off the trellis! 

12) Taking your date's phone at a romantic dance, to send the man you are feuding with flowers is a DATING FOUL (even if you're pretending the dozen roses are from the girl he actually is fooling around with!) When you're more excited about a war with your sexy next door neighbour than a perfect, romantic night with a veterinarian 'doesn't that tell you everything you need to know?' 

13) 'There is no point in continuing a relationship with someone if it isn't there' - even if they're great. Offer apologies for misplacing your affections; you can't help it if taking the 'wrong' girl/guy to an event only makes you miss your former lover more. 

14) 'Apparently breaking a window to get in isn't as easy as it seems in the movies.' Remember that next time you get locked out, silly! Or DUH DOY you're almost guaranteed to get hurt and need a doctor. 

15) Maybe losing your wedding invitations is 'more than just irresponsible' and in fact might indicate that the invite loser is riddled with doubts about tying the knot. 

16) 'No one knows what's gonna happen between two people.' Someone you think you have just platonic feelings for can steal your heart in the beat of it. Maybe a good time is exactly what you need ;) 

17) It's a punch in the heart when your wife/mother/other loved one heartlessly leaves you to find a new home and family. 

18) Who says NO to a sweet, kind doctor? You can have 'everything you ever imagined you'd want in a guy' right before you but still be a total jerk and that's very confusing and NOT nice. Especially when they're the Hemsworth brothery kind of cute. 

19) When you feel as though you 'might crumble.. break into a million little parts' you don't have to be the perfect southern belle or hide your weaknesses - just be you. Nobody is expecting you to be wonder woman with all these cascading vulnerabilities.  

20) Darlings, 'at least be forgiving' to the boy who acts like an eight grader and makes you crazy, because he LIKES you. You clash continually, but not so secretly he dreams that you could be together. 

A few of my favourite things... about SALZBURG

If Europe were a sundae, the heavenly haven that is Salzburg could just be the cherry on top. Around every corner, the city gets prettier and seems to whisper 'I'm incredibly special.' I defy anyone to tread the cobbled streets without a big, beaming smile sprawled across their face. 

Sunshiney (well it was all the time I was there) Salzburg oozes with charm and seeps rich history. The Old Town is reminiscent of stepping into a fairytale; it is that quaint and beautifully delightful. The waters of the River Salzbach may be murky and not smell altogether fragrant but promenading past, there is a beauty and calmness about it. 

You'll be spellbound by the magical mecca of all things Mozart, after only 5 minutes in its genteel clutches. Traces of the ghost of this classical composing prodigy, encircle the UNESCO World Heritage Site. 

The Sound of Music, has long since been my go to cheer up movie, so to virtually step into that world where it's all raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens was beyond my wildest dream! In the heart of edelweiss county, the locals do not buy into the popularity of the musical but they certainly do CASH IN on it. Darlings, whether you're 16 going on SEVENTY, I have confidence that only a flibbertijibbet wouldn't be dazzled by the hills that are alive. 

A few of the 1000 lovely things I love ... 

*Easter pastel-coloured Baroque buildings 

*The sonorous pealing of the bells cheerfully reverberate far and wide, welcoming in the new day. A celestial wake up call, unless you're not feeling so chipper - that is. 

*Almdudler - I have acquired a taste for Salzy's unofficial national drink (which has the colouring of beer with refreshing grape and apple concentrates and fizzy bubbles) as it trumps all Coca Cola products. Even now I've got this fruity, herbal beverage on the brain!

* Prettiest Platz's of pure perfection you ever saw

*The spectacular serenity of the Austrian lake district, just a short drive away. Vacationers, are BANANAS about it here and with fabulous reason. 

*Apfelstrudel!!!! (Apple to you or I) Is this sweet, oblong pastry not enough of a selling point of its own? The allure of the cinnamon scents wafting is strong and cannot be resisted. 

*The gloriously, green rolling hills that Dame Andrews sings about

5 things (almost) no one tells you to do:

1) Kiss your eternal love in Liebesgrotto - Romantic legend would have it that with one kiss in the love grotto, your love will be everlasting. Make sure you like them that much, for the universe will keep pulling the two of you together ;) 

2) Have a picnic under the starlight on the banks of the river Salzbach - It's completely improper not to and you'll thank the sky if it puts on a theatrical show for you and yours. 

3) BE kissed by Mozart as he takes your hand with his magical fingers. Just make sure you don't have bratwurst breath first, as nothing is wurst :D I happened upon an impersonator in Mirabell Gardens, waiting for snapshots with tourists. 

4) Scoff a burger in SalzBURG(er) just for punniness - The beef, avocado and zucchini burger at BioBurgerMeister is one I can recommend. They can make 100% organic burgers, like nobody's business and I swear the bun was practically bigger than my own head! 

5) Delight your senses with free opera during Siemensfest at Kapitelplatz. This takes place for 5 weeks in the summer months and comes together with the annual Salzburg festival. The works of these composers are still awesome centuries later, especially when broadcast on the big screen to 2000 or so spectators. 

To not have your heart blessed with the sound of music, before you kick the bucket is unacceptable :D Julie, I blame you for my infatuation with the Rome of the north, that I dearly cherish. This blog is to implore ALL to follow the bright lure, to have a little escapade to the salt fortress. So long, farewell, auf wiedersehn, goodbye Salzburg x

When the magic wears off, reality will still be there..

AN ASSORTED MISHMASH OF MY LAST FEW AUSSIE DAYS: 

*THE GOLD COAST.. was not the nirvana on earth I'd been led to believe (at least the part I visited) but I liked how a beach was named after mermaids. Don't judge, I'm not criticising this sandy suburb it is bonny but it didn't HOOK me. P'haps my expectations were set too high as Millionaires Row was not as swanky or ostentatious as I'd presupposed either. 

*I WAS LIKE A DOLPHIN AT FEEDING TIME: Dining at Burger Fuel I tore apart the most cowabunga, flamethrower chicken burger of my LIFE! The jalapeño sauce kicked me in the throat but I was feelin' the crumbly pumpkin, ginger and chickpea motobites. Each crumb was so full of fleeeepin' goodness it was out of this galaxy. Cor, when it comes to burgers, Burger Fuel is THE BOSS. 

*SURFERS PARADISE - Now I'm probably a loser because catching waves is not my idea of a ripper time, dude buuuuuuut it was too touristy and the surf didn't seem all that sensational. Truthfully, I'm mindboggled by its popularity that attracts swarms of beach bunnies; it's not a hideous hole but they HEART it here. Was I raised by heathens to have the appeal lost upon me? Howevs, I relished the ocean breeze on my skin whilst missing the sun's warmth. 

*GOLD COAST, WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST SMALL FEET?: THE HUNT FOR SHOES - Late in the day, I was informed that there was space for me on a night tour that had been cancelled with another operator. The only inconvenient drawback was I then had to search high and low on a wild goose chase for closed kid shoes so I'd have suitable footwear. Do Australian children walk around barefooted?? It was bugging me that it was almost impossible to track any in my small size down 'til a sparkly pink heart pair of Vans on sale turned up. 

Shame, we weren't able to stop for hill stargazing as scheduled because the night conditions were too cloudy. Annoyingly, I had to laugh at all the cruddy jokes of our tour leader as I was on a bus full of Japanese tourists who didn't understand the narrations. Her stories of the bush and roads were less than riveting and the words were too mundane to keep the passengers awake!!!

*ECO TOILET TERRORS - Before embarking into the subtropical jungle of Springbrook National Park, the site where I'm a celebrity get me out of here is filmed - nature called. The only option for spending my penny, was to use the eco toilet which didn't have water and stank to high heaven. I am a WC snob as it is, so to find this dingy, unsanitary hole to squat over only to notice several monstrosities of spiders overhead watching me take a tinkle was an ordeal. I congratulated myself for not running out of there screaming my head off! 

*IN THE DARK OF THE NIGHT: Treading down the backs of my new sneakers as they painfully rubbed against my sock-less heels was hellish. In my haste to purchase appropriate footwear, acquiring socks had slipped my mind! Duh-doy!! But come hell or high water, I was determined to press on.. mostly so that I wouldn't be left behind alone in the depths of the remote hinterland. Our only visibility throughout the 45 min jaunt under inky sky, came from our mini torches which we had to shine solely at our feet to avoid stepping on spiders or snakes. I recall one sighting of a Hunstman on a tree jus' chillin' like a villain. The most petrifying was having one species pointed out that can jump 15ft and immobilise muscles for 6 hours with one bite to human flesh. YIKES. It's like it just waits, to pounce and use its evil spider mojo to inflict agony.

*A CAVE OF WORMY WONDERS AND ROMANCE: Natural bridge arch was beautiful from the little I could make out, from the waterfall spilling through the rock. Before entering in small groups, we spotted glow in the dark fungi and Toni told off a group of hoodlums for taking pics and shining torches directly onto the glowworms. She wasn't being a fun ruiner, the reason this isn't permitted is as it destroys their bio luminescence and kills the insect larvae. Hateful glow worm murderers! Natural Bridge is home to a colony of thousands of glow worms adorning the roof and walls of the cave and mystically lighting up the darkness with its bluey green brilliance. I audibly gasped struck and transfixed with the marvel as it sparkled and wowed every which way I gazed. Then the morons had to come in and ruin the magic and rid me of my goosebumps by carrying out a full-scale glow worm massacre.  

*DRUGGY DRONGO DRAMAS: Imagine my shock when abusive, threatening fools were spinning out on drugs in the carriage up from mine on my train ride back from Springbrook. To the point that I was surely scared for my life as (to my knowledge) I hadn't been in the vicinity of these types of characters before.. and hated every millisecond of their yelling out and following people back and forth down the aisle trying to hit their 'mates.' The security on board kept an eagle eye on the situation but I was desperate to get off; goodness knows what sort of calamities may have ensued without them! The train was stopped for the longest 10-15 minutes I've ever experienced, reinforcements in the form of the police were phoned and guards assured them these yobs were 'full on!' and not letting up after some sort of miscommunication. Others on board around me reassured me that all would be well after a small squeak of fright escaped my pharynx ..and they were chucked off at the next station. 

*CHILLAXING IS ONE OF OUR VACATIONAL DUTIES: And I did just that at South Banks poolside on a roaster toaster of a day!! Met up with Carolyn for the final time before we both return to the UK to have my last Cowch outing. You heard it here first, cherry ripe smoothies (dark choc, coconut and cherry flavoured like the Aussie choccie bar) are AWESOME SAUCE!! No, really, TRULY, I'm not even joking - it was love in a milk bottle. Che Asado was where we bruncheoned and I ordered their version of chilli con carne without the meat leaving me: flatbread, avocado, tommies and 2x fried eggs. It was a big, potentially life changing dish than amped me up more than ever before.. but that might have had more to do with the below!

*A FACE I COULDN'T HELP BUT FALL IN LOVE WITH: Our waiter was BEAUTIFUL, angelically so; not to mention pretty darn delicious. I wish I could have brought him back as a souvenir and kept trying to cheekily sneak pics of him while drooling as he spoke in sexy broken English. Mmmmmm to him AND the food ;) for a fiesta was had inside my mouth. Enough with the food porny talk, I hear you howl!

*Hopped back to Melbourne, spending my last day or two souvenir shopping and swinging by the rest of the sights I hadn't before. Gruesomely, I held some sort of python at Lightning ridge opal mines but only swiftly as he began to turn towards me. It wasn't awful having snakester slither up my arm but it did spook me. It was the annual International Comedy Festival so I caught a couple of comedy shows - one at Spleen Bar with a new friend. It was so packed that I had to sit on the stairwell uncomfortably, craning my neck to see a speckle of the stand up comics during their five minute sets. 

*PENNY GREENHALGH: THE NUTTER This one woman show at The Forum theatre had me in stitches with the ways she'd involve the audience throughout in her sketches. When latecomers entered she re-did all the previous parts at a super speed. A kid in the audience obviously didn't understand the humour, (being too young) but laughed his head off nonetheless so she teasingly rebuked 'that's not the funny bit!' We all joined in for the finale as some hummed, others changed her costume or played recorders while me and another lad had to burst party poppers at the very end, as she sang The final countdown as the grande finale. The whole premise was her vision for an amazing sold out show at a huge venue instead she was performing for us in a tiny kitchen! Glad that she brought her craziness into my life if only for the night. 

I'm not very good with the goodbyes, of any variety... so I was overcome with sad nostalgia taking my final evening walk round the city I love. Breathing in every last moment as I took in the bright city lights and the Crown Towers fire ball show flames. 

 VIVA AUSTRALIA: It's been good, bad, ugly, beautiful and everything in between. Thank you for letting me be frivolous and for all the happiness you've given me, gorgeous Australia. I didn't want to go back to England but simultaneously I was ready to return and see the fam as it seemed like YEARS ago since I'd last saw them. It was a teary farewell to this country after a divine month of laughter and memories to last a lifetime. Clichey but true; it's amazing to me how simply being in uncharted territory managed to bring back my Rianney sparkle. 

If I was to give you just one piece of unsolicited travel advice? Get thee to Australiaaaaaaa and you'll love it with all your heart, this I swear xxx