Leaving my mark on the world

N.B - I hope this blog entry may uplift or comfort other individuals with birthmarks or those who dislike something about their own appearance. Please feel free to share my personal story. 

For as long as I can remember, I hated my own reflection with every fibre of my soul.. That girl looking back at me in the mirror was flawed, ugly and unlovable. All I could behold was my blood red birthmark on my crooked witch nose. HOW could anyone on this earth, think I was a pretty person? I was born with a capillary malformation on the side of my nose and on my lower cheek, to a lesser degree. Approximately 1 of 330 babies is born this way, with what is referred to as a port wine stain. These infants are NOT tarnished or sullied or deformed but they are distinctive. 

My parents were informed by doctors that my facial markings would fade away with time but that the cute and teeny, strawberry mark on the side of my body would be permanent. The exact opposite is my reality. Doctors get it wrong. The strawberry mark wouldn't have bothered me; it wasn't unsightly and neither was it exposed for the world to scrutinise. Not a single trace of it remains. Short of wearing a ski mask or balaclava over my face on a daily basis, there was no masking my nevus flammeus. The rosy patch on my nose in particular, stood out from a distance (or so it felt to me) and even changes colour according to the temperature, varying from pinks to deep red to blueish purple when I am cold. Laser treatment was an option but it was expensive and there is no guarantee it would have removed every jot of my blot.. it may have even left me with scarring. 

I didn't always feel this intense repulsion for my looks. As a child I was much more self-assured when not wearing a scrap of makeup (you might not know it as I usually appear to be a bold character.. I have always been able to talk to ANYONE but my inner confidence diminished) mainly due to children being more accepting regardless of my face. Never was I bullied or targeted for the way I looked, sure I got the odd stare from strangers or when someone I knew wanted to say something mean I'd be called 'Rudolph' as in the red nosed reindeer, for I am a red nosed Rianne. An occasional insensitive remark back then had no noticeable impact on my well being. 

So when and WHY did I begin to care? Did I honestly think that nobody would want to be my friend? That concealing such a prominent feature would somehow make me infinitely more attractive to the opposite sex? (COS THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN!!) I can't pinpoint the exact reasoning or anything specific that triggered this insecurity within me.. but after I left secondary school I felt hideous. I didn't want to be me. I wished that I was better looking. I made the choice to begin the tedious daily chore of applying foundation to camouflage my blemishes and it took years to source a brand and shade that did the job satisfactorily. 

In taking this arduous action, I lost not only self-esteem but a large part of my identity. All down to my own inner issues and anxiety with my exterior. I am sick of covering up the way I really look. I am angry that I let depression ever affect me to the extent that I believed a radical transformation was necessary and would magically increase my happiness and feelings of self-worth. It's something I have wrestled with for almost half of my lifetime and I refuse to allow it any longer. For many months I have been trying to pluck up the courage to STOP caking my face in cosmetics. From this point onwards, I am mentally ready and able to accept myself. 

It pierces my heart that anyone else may be experiencing similar self-loathing or fear that they are being mocked or sneered or grimaced at. Don't suffer. Find someone to talk to. Message me. I resent the usage of the term facial 'disfigurement' as these imperfections actually make us unique and there is prettiness in them. I never want anyone to feel pressured to hide or change the way they look. If our faces are offensive to you, YOU'RE the one I feel sorry for. Sorry that you are too shallow to look past the surface and get to know the human being beneath their outer appearance. 

Moving to a new continent in a matter of weeks has inspired this courage within me. I want to embrace my true countenance and to allow the people I meet to see ME. I'm not saying, I'll nevermore use make up to obscure my birthmarks again as some days I may want to .. but it will no longer be a priority or a desire. Why should I/you/any of us conform to society's/ the media's ideals of beauty? I now recognise that *tooting my own trumpet* I am rather great.. I'm fun and have a huge heart. My friends and family like me just as I am. Love yourself. Let your light shine. BE YOU. Unapologetically xx