Hart of Dixie Wisdom (Homecoming and Coming Home)

1) 'Football and family and friends. What's not to love?' Sure Homecoming is awesome if you're from the town everyone is coming home to. IF you just moved there it's 'another reminder that you don't fit in and nobody knows you'. Another excuse for footie fans to drink themselves silly too! :P 

2) 'It's rude to be late' when meeting friends for breakfast. Hurry on over before your Belles get all tizzy. They may hear out your excuses but they shan't save you any freshly squeezed orange juice. By the bye, lunch lateness and dinner delays are not so frowned upon. 

3) You know your friend loves you loads, when she's hypothetically prepared to kick Ryan Gosling out of bed to talk to you, her 'poor, sweet, exiled little waif' who may or may not have 'succumbed to a life of hayrides and chicken fried steaks?' Ryan can keep my hands to himself ;) Sorry NOT sorry  Eva Mendes.  

4) Once an evil enemy, always an evil enemy. 'There is a sense of justice being done' when invoking sweet revenge on your adversary from a million years ago. He/she has it coming after stealing jerseys, filling helmets with shaving cream and putting heat rub in jocks. Filling their car with tarantulas is perhaps not as epic as it sounds. 

5) Soft boil eggs still eludes us all. I wiki-howed it: http://www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Soft-Boiled-Egg ..so if you'll excuse me I have an egg to violate in a non-gross manner. 

6) Masterful words to the wise for party planners: 'Double up on the crab dip, it's a crowd-pleaser.' Over and above, a 'lack of chicken fingers, that's unforgivable.'  Not abiding with these precedents and their faces will tell you they're finding the food a living hell!

7) A vengeful strategist should be enlisted to avenge you. 'The key to pulling off the perfect prank is specificity.' Proper psychological warfare cannot be practised 'til you understand the psyche of who you're dealing with.' Ascertain their Achilles heel and fatal flaw. 

8) For Bluebellians and normal folk, seared octopus is too much and 'is not going to appeal to their palates.' Posh nosh angers our appetites. Pooh-pooh the Gigi's of the globe who insist 'it is your responsibility to help show them what they've been missing all their lives.' 

9) No yay for contagious flus and spreading viruses! 'Your health is more important than football.' I think it's dumb that footie fanatics would go against medical advice for sports sake. 

10) Sneaking into a hotel and filling the shower head with Fun Sip Blue Raspberry powder is 'more than cool. It's effective.' How freaking amazing to stain bright blue as a Smurf the scourge of your school days, for the whole weekend! In what's shaping up to be a spectacular return to evil!!! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa 

11) 'Blue is so blah and purple just pops.'  So sayeth the party professor. Purple drinks are so fancy, that's probably what Iggy Azalea was really singing about. 

12) Wearing black berets is critical for PRANK Sinatras when breaking, entering and potentially murdering people at a motel. 

13)'You don't wear that *thing* (fanny packs) in public - it's rude'.. 'Rudimentary in its convenience' when you need a place to store your cell phone and like to use 2 hand to dance. How shall your eyes recover from the unprepossessing sight? Apologise to your fashionista friend. It's wonted. 

14) Shutting a party that totally doesn't work down before 10 is NOT 'capital F for fabulous.' It's like you don't want your guests to have a great night. 

15) Unleashing your inner crazy for what is 'supposed to be a harmless little prank' and you may accidentally almost kill someone. Thank your stars when they escape intentionally but problematically blue - (boom!) with only a gnarly bump on the head. Someone always has to pay, if you play. 

16) Learning the guy you have hopes to date is defo not gay, would be real nice 'good news' if it hadn't come from catching him in bed, with your pratty party planning pal! Who says she was doing 'a little recon to confirm his sexual orientation.' Yuh rightttttt. 

17) After a medical emergency, you could specifically 'go for some flapjacks.' Who is ever not down for that oaty delectability? Make it so. 

18) Of course we were happier back when we are 16 years old. 'It's easy to be footloose and fancy free when don't have any responsibilities.' Your childhood ideals of happiness are over. Liking clipping recipes and making dinners doesn't mean that you are now not contented. 

19) Being reckless 'never ends well.' Is it so wrong for a mature woman to release the wild child within her infrequently? Give your depravity a purpose. 

20) It is '100% necessary to be yelling' at your former BFF with hangover, when they destroyed your friends house, abandoned their own party and slept with your vet!! So what if they feel like death plus more death? What they did is 'really not okay.'

21) 'A morally stable individual who knows the difference between right and wrong' can be perceived as 'super judgy.' Do not let them deny who they are any longer. 

22) You can't go around saying everything that's on your mind, doing whatever you want and declaring love because you aren't children. 'Don't be honest, be a grown up.' 'Keep your feelings inside, you control your urges, you do what's right even when it feels wrong.' Especially if you could have been one of the cutest couples of all time. 

23) 'We can keep our feelings inside as long as you want to. Doesn't mean they don't exist.' Deep down you want you to be with that person too but if it will devastate others you care completely for, is it worth that? 

24) 'Getting dressed up, the trendy food and occasional mocking of the fashion challenged' is the best. 'Til it doesn't feel like you anymore and you're unsure where you fit. Soon you'll get used to your new redneck lifestyle and not hate it as much as you once did. 

Hart of Dixie Wisdom (The Crush and the Crossbow)

1) Sweet tea is a Southern staple regardless of whether or not you're into sugary things. It's not that sugary but only when compared to 'grape lemonade or a CUP of sugar'. Clearly Alabamans are impervious to things that sucrose. 

2) New York mothers don't do nice and definitely don't send agenda-less packages (of cashmere, no less). Tied up with implications that your life is 'at a standstill while everyone in (New York/your own location) is moving on' while you're 'doing a big, fat nothing'. It's a classic mother move. 

3) Racing turtles are unpredictable and they BITE. It's all right reptile fraidy cats, no one ever died due to a turtle. I doubt...

4) It's not so 'banana balls' to start dating and hope you might meet someone wonderful. All your friends are evolving - going to openings and parties, getting married and the like. Why not 'put a little life experience under your belt'? Partake of diverse speciMENs ;)

5) 'A good fish gutter is SO hard to find.' There are not plenty more fish gutters in the sea :D Such guys are not exactly renowned for their player status but ermm.. fish gutting is such a skill, so good on ya. 

6) Thinking with your badonkadonk is a 'mistake, mistake, mistake'. Why do we tend to like the lads who are 'the absolute opposite of single'? It is usually those who are already taken, that we become taken with/in by. Single out the singles. There's gotta be one who is like the one you like.  

7) Like in a bad sitcom, we all have those friends who are straight up stupid, that pull stunts like - get married on a shrimp boat as a result of getting 'rip-roaring drunk' one night. 

8) Just when you keep bottoming out and are resigned to thinking there really ARE no single men, a handsome vet from Mobile (who seems kinda AWESOME) will ask you out to dinner as a thank you. Ooooh bonus  - he likes animals!

9) Males listen real good, the standard 'you look nice' is NOT a sufficient compliment. We women, don't want to look nice or fine or cute or any other synonyms for these. NICE?!!! Exsqueezez moi? We want to 'knock him dead. I want va va voom. Is it va va voomy?' Btw - the answer is nope if your foe presumes you're going to a funeral - CHANGE.

10) Every bride is entitled to have 'the whole white veil, garter, cake in the face, everything' wedding. All of which can be deal breakers for an actual marriage!!! 

11) While flashcards of potential date chit chat, may avert a dinner discussion disaster  (i.e - Team Edward or Team Jacob?) 'if it's the right person the conversation will just flow.' And that's regardless of how unflowy a kind of person you deem yourself to be. 

12) 'Those first days of falling in love are so full of possibility'. Even the blissfully married would give anything to have a magical first date again - 'sharing secrets, sharing dreams, finding someone to share your soul'. 'THAT'S what it's supposed to be about, right?' Keep searching for that sign from the universe to wondrously knock on your door. 

13) It is highly common for those who've been DOA from the dating department, to call and cancel minutes before with a faked illness. Just make sure you don't do so directly by the  restaurant window your dishy date is already seated at. I can only assume we panic and ruin what might have been awesome on account of fear. It doesn't make you 'a terrible person.' 

14) As an abashed addition to point 13 - when the town catch wind of your plain mean stupidity, they are sure to lay some of their classic SOB on thee. 'Not getting any younger' and how your 'childbearing years are dwindling'. Like you're not already chiding yourself 'What is wrong with you? The only good single man in 4 counties and you stand him up? Why? Why would you do that?'  

15) Being coerced to co-host a black tie event with the one you had a lusty affair with is going to be awkward turtle, when you're solemnly bound to your shameful secret. Living in the same, small town you've 'got to figure out a way to get along'. 

16) 'What better way to start a friendship than with a turtle race?' The pace should be slow and steady and if anything becomes turtley uncomfortable or destructive, just hide back in your shell. Cowabunga, turtle power!!! :D 

17) As much as a daughter despises to admit it, maybe your mother has a point. You need to make a life for yourself so can't just go home and wallow. 'Maybe it needs to be a life by yourself right now.'  Get a pal to help you off the sofa and rid you of your pint of rocky road ice cream, then take yourself 'on a date as an independent, self-reliant woman'. 

18) You can't let your ex hubs or wife, marry the extremely jealous, 'grade D douche' bully who 'never let up making fun' of your drunk Daddy. You'll have to be such an idiot in the process and risk your rib being re-broken but your friend can do better. We hope that they'll be miserable without you too! 

19) Pitying looks are cast upon the singleton purchasing ONE ticket at the movies. I don't want to be brutal but I want to sumo slam all these condolatory cockatoos.  

20) 'Everyone is afraid to make themselves vulnerable. It's about baby steps though' and then 'maybe there's hope for you yet'. Particularly after you've gone through some really big emotional circumstances. Even the pairings who appear perfectly matched may not have ever had one night like Diane Keaton and Woody Allen, in Annie Hall where they magically connected and bared souls. 

21) When all you do is fight and it seems like you hate each others guts - it confirms what was already feared; that's love, 'you goon!' 'We have always been electric together. We just need to give in to the passion.'  

22) Degenerate psycho lunatics take note of this brilliant insight: it's not worth committing a serious felony and serving major jail time, for catching your girl canoodling with another man. 'Next time try flowers' rather than nearly killing someone to prove that you love them enough. 

23) Sweetheart, shooting yourself in the leg with a dropped crossbow is 'what you get for being a knight in shining armour all the time'. Man, you dumb if you know how to handle a cross bow but forget to switch on the safety. 

24) Watching the magnifique movie Casablanca is so sad. But it teaches us 'we can't give up. Love is worth fighting for.'  Accordingly, if that forces us to do something romantic and rash, so be it. 

25) The nice fellows who are here, single and real possibilities will appreciate your freak out and show mercy by accepting your apology. Invite them out for a drink at 10am to make up for it and prove you're not usually that crazy. Afterwards, change your facebook status to happy. 

Gilmore Girls Gems *Rory's birthday parties*

1) Your (grand)parents have 'officially hit a new level of weird that even I marvel at' when they creepily request you post-it everything you want left to you in their will. It makes for the most gloriously strange and screwed up evening. 

2) 'Saturday's a pretty good night, not as good as Friday'. But 'pretty damn close'. Relinquishing your scheduled rights to the company of your blood relatives, that you grasp with a Vulcan death grip is out of the question. But HELL she loves your child not to cave in. 

3) Cross pollinating a raspberry with a kumquat 'is like a berry but way more exotic'. Mother Nature hath bowed down to you and it resulteth in the truly amazing rasquat! 

4) Obligation parties that your parents order you to attend - STINK. The teens will turn up, but not with smiles on and literally hate themselves for being there. 

5) Subtle and sophisticated might not be the way to go for gifts to young girls. Scratch double string pearls, cashmere sweater sets and 200 dollar Mont Blanc pens - straight off the shopping list. What is great? 'A purse shaped like a guitar.' You can put stuff in it and carry them around. IN PUBLIC. 

6) '12 dollars is NOT a present' but if it looks like something you could buy at a car wash and lights up 'that's half the charm'. Yo, the woman has evolved in the ways of shopping if she makes the purchase. 

7) Proposing marriage is the supreme solution, for a burger boy to shut up the woman who wants to be entertained by his dancing. Man friend is in love with you, if this is his first though to stun you to silence! 

8) It's refreshing but not exactly fun, to spend 3 hours shopping with your mother (who has a pole up her hole at the best of times) without ending up fighting. Consider the trip a success if you didn't get the shooting pain in your eye that you usually do in their company. That in itself is cause to be cheery. 

9) Wake your cool kid and best friend a girl could ever have at 4.03am to wish them a happy birthday and retell the labour story. 'While some have called it the most meaningful experience of your life, to me it was something more akin to doing the splits on a crate of dynamite.'.Aw isn't that what love is? The screaming and swearing many moons ago is so completely worth it because it delivered your one and only daughter. 

10) Since the grouchy diner guy has blown up stupid balloons for you and baked coffee cake (knowing it's your fave) he's a warm and sappy, 'old softie' deep down. 

11) It's bad enough that you have to see these stupid kids at school every day but on your BIRTHDAY??? When you've never even talked to most of them, they are going to think you're the biggest freak, who had to get Grandma to make them come to your party. You can stand it for one night. Awkward moments of uncomfortable tension will abound. 

12) Rich person party perk for birthday girls: You're handed envelopes of cash from wealthy men you've never met before. They seem like outstanding fellas but are probably business associates wanting to fleece your grandpa. 

13) A weird need to prove a person will go out with you is NOT liking someone. 'Why are you fighting this? You're gonna give in eventually.' He's a cocky chap but you'd be a daftie not to engage socially with a looker like Chad Michael Murray!!

14) As hostess it is your responsibility to say a few words with a small speech to your guests thanking them. Unless of course it is not really your party, as you don't know any of the guests so then yell at your Gran (humiliating her in front of all her friends), which is out of character for your normally charming disposition. 

15) 'You know what people say when you assume things.. that you shouldn't'. 

16) Helping to decorate for your own birthday bash is banned. 'You do not work. You lounge and mock those who are.' That's like telling Lorelai NEVER to drink coffee. 

17) Nobody on earth would ever do anything remotely like NOT putting 'the damn cheese in individual bags!' Going against the grain is insane. 

18) To your great chagrin, applying to the same school as your ass hat, arch-nemesis doesn't have to be an issue. It's a big school, you'll probably never see each other and if you do - DUCK. 

19) The long-haired all have close calls with setting their hair on fire, when blowing out cake candles. A candle charred coiff is very not fine. Not fine at all. 

20) Who the hell rings the bell at a PARTY? The invited but unwanted, to whom this get together is not their flavour of gateaux. 'Get your ass in here!'

21) 'A good rule of thumb is you can never have too much ice.' How sweet (and cool) is this man? What a vision the ice carrier is! He's the best for returning the event to its penguin habitaty state. 

22) It's 20-30% embarrassing for your mother to walk in just as you hug your male friend to thank him.  Undoubtedly she will presume you're seeing each other and not recognise that is the face of a true friend. Even though she's correct in that he'd love to grab your face and kiss you!

23) You can judge that the (ice) man likes you, when he looks at you 'like you were about to give him a lap dance' or 'like a Porterhouse steak.' It is plain as day that you're pleased by this perception, on account of the cutely creepy smile on your face. 

24) An estranged parent will be crushed beyond belief, when listening to lovely stories about their grandchild's upbringing that she missed out on. We all should be around to see that they stink at ballet and believe old tree stumps to be a fairy ring. I'd hate for that level of discord to ever exist within my own family and would never want my parents to be cast aside from any aspect of their future grand kids childhood. 

25) The cute guy likes you when he meets you sort of sneakily outside after your lovely party. How blissful and stoked you'll be when he presents you with a leather, medallion, beautiful bracelet made with his own hands.