Gilmore Girls Gems *Rory's birthday parties*

1) Your (grand)parents have 'officially hit a new level of weird that even I marvel at' when they creepily request you post-it everything you want left to you in their will. It makes for the most gloriously strange and screwed up evening. 

2) 'Saturday's a pretty good night, not as good as Friday'. But 'pretty damn close'. Relinquishing your scheduled rights to the company of your blood relatives, that you grasp with a Vulcan death grip is out of the question. But HELL she loves your child not to cave in. 

3) Cross pollinating a raspberry with a kumquat 'is like a berry but way more exotic'. Mother Nature hath bowed down to you and it resulteth in the truly amazing rasquat! 

4) Obligation parties that your parents order you to attend - STINK. The teens will turn up, but not with smiles on and literally hate themselves for being there. 

5) Subtle and sophisticated might not be the way to go for gifts to young girls. Scratch double string pearls, cashmere sweater sets and 200 dollar Mont Blanc pens - straight off the shopping list. What is great? 'A purse shaped like a guitar.' You can put stuff in it and carry them around. IN PUBLIC. 

6) '12 dollars is NOT a present' but if it looks like something you could buy at a car wash and lights up 'that's half the charm'. Yo, the woman has evolved in the ways of shopping if she makes the purchase. 

7) Proposing marriage is the supreme solution, for a burger boy to shut up the woman who wants to be entertained by his dancing. Man friend is in love with you, if this is his first though to stun you to silence! 

8) It's refreshing but not exactly fun, to spend 3 hours shopping with your mother (who has a pole up her hole at the best of times) without ending up fighting. Consider the trip a success if you didn't get the shooting pain in your eye that you usually do in their company. That in itself is cause to be cheery. 

9) Wake your cool kid and best friend a girl could ever have at 4.03am to wish them a happy birthday and retell the labour story. 'While some have called it the most meaningful experience of your life, to me it was something more akin to doing the splits on a crate of dynamite.'.Aw isn't that what love is? The screaming and swearing many moons ago is so completely worth it because it delivered your one and only daughter. 

10) Since the grouchy diner guy has blown up stupid balloons for you and baked coffee cake (knowing it's your fave) he's a warm and sappy, 'old softie' deep down. 

11) It's bad enough that you have to see these stupid kids at school every day but on your BIRTHDAY??? When you've never even talked to most of them, they are going to think you're the biggest freak, who had to get Grandma to make them come to your party. You can stand it for one night. Awkward moments of uncomfortable tension will abound. 

12) Rich person party perk for birthday girls: You're handed envelopes of cash from wealthy men you've never met before. They seem like outstanding fellas but are probably business associates wanting to fleece your grandpa. 

13) A weird need to prove a person will go out with you is NOT liking someone. 'Why are you fighting this? You're gonna give in eventually.' He's a cocky chap but you'd be a daftie not to engage socially with a looker like Chad Michael Murray!!

14) As hostess it is your responsibility to say a few words with a small speech to your guests thanking them. Unless of course it is not really your party, as you don't know any of the guests so then yell at your Gran (humiliating her in front of all her friends), which is out of character for your normally charming disposition. 

15) 'You know what people say when you assume things.. that you shouldn't'. 

16) Helping to decorate for your own birthday bash is banned. 'You do not work. You lounge and mock those who are.' That's like telling Lorelai NEVER to drink coffee. 

17) Nobody on earth would ever do anything remotely like NOT putting 'the damn cheese in individual bags!' Going against the grain is insane. 

18) To your great chagrin, applying to the same school as your ass hat, arch-nemesis doesn't have to be an issue. It's a big school, you'll probably never see each other and if you do - DUCK. 

19) The long-haired all have close calls with setting their hair on fire, when blowing out cake candles. A candle charred coiff is very not fine. Not fine at all. 

20) Who the hell rings the bell at a PARTY? The invited but unwanted, to whom this get together is not their flavour of gateaux. 'Get your ass in here!'

21) 'A good rule of thumb is you can never have too much ice.' How sweet (and cool) is this man? What a vision the ice carrier is! He's the best for returning the event to its penguin habitaty state. 

22) It's 20-30% embarrassing for your mother to walk in just as you hug your male friend to thank him.  Undoubtedly she will presume you're seeing each other and not recognise that is the face of a true friend. Even though she's correct in that he'd love to grab your face and kiss you!

23) You can judge that the (ice) man likes you, when he looks at you 'like you were about to give him a lap dance' or 'like a Porterhouse steak.' It is plain as day that you're pleased by this perception, on account of the cutely creepy smile on your face. 

24) An estranged parent will be crushed beyond belief, when listening to lovely stories about their grandchild's upbringing that she missed out on. We all should be around to see that they stink at ballet and believe old tree stumps to be a fairy ring. I'd hate for that level of discord to ever exist within my own family and would never want my parents to be cast aside from any aspect of their future grand kids childhood. 

25) The cute guy likes you when he meets you sort of sneakily outside after your lovely party. How blissful and stoked you'll be when he presents you with a leather, medallion, beautiful bracelet made with his own hands.