Hart of Dixie Wisdom (The Crush and the Crossbow)

1) Sweet tea is a Southern staple regardless of whether or not you're into sugary things. It's not that sugary but only when compared to 'grape lemonade or a CUP of sugar'. Clearly Alabamans are impervious to things that sucrose. 

2) New York mothers don't do nice and definitely don't send agenda-less packages (of cashmere, no less). Tied up with implications that your life is 'at a standstill while everyone in (New York/your own location) is moving on' while you're 'doing a big, fat nothing'. It's a classic mother move. 

3) Racing turtles are unpredictable and they BITE. It's all right reptile fraidy cats, no one ever died due to a turtle. I doubt...

4) It's not so 'banana balls' to start dating and hope you might meet someone wonderful. All your friends are evolving - going to openings and parties, getting married and the like. Why not 'put a little life experience under your belt'? Partake of diverse speciMENs ;)

5) 'A good fish gutter is SO hard to find.' There are not plenty more fish gutters in the sea :D Such guys are not exactly renowned for their player status but ermm.. fish gutting is such a skill, so good on ya. 

6) Thinking with your badonkadonk is a 'mistake, mistake, mistake'. Why do we tend to like the lads who are 'the absolute opposite of single'? It is usually those who are already taken, that we become taken with/in by. Single out the singles. There's gotta be one who is like the one you like.  

7) Like in a bad sitcom, we all have those friends who are straight up stupid, that pull stunts like - get married on a shrimp boat as a result of getting 'rip-roaring drunk' one night. 

8) Just when you keep bottoming out and are resigned to thinking there really ARE no single men, a handsome vet from Mobile (who seems kinda AWESOME) will ask you out to dinner as a thank you. Ooooh bonus  - he likes animals!

9) Males listen real good, the standard 'you look nice' is NOT a sufficient compliment. We women, don't want to look nice or fine or cute or any other synonyms for these. NICE?!!! Exsqueezez moi? We want to 'knock him dead. I want va va voom. Is it va va voomy?' Btw - the answer is nope if your foe presumes you're going to a funeral - CHANGE.

10) Every bride is entitled to have 'the whole white veil, garter, cake in the face, everything' wedding. All of which can be deal breakers for an actual marriage!!! 

11) While flashcards of potential date chit chat, may avert a dinner discussion disaster  (i.e - Team Edward or Team Jacob?) 'if it's the right person the conversation will just flow.' And that's regardless of how unflowy a kind of person you deem yourself to be. 

12) 'Those first days of falling in love are so full of possibility'. Even the blissfully married would give anything to have a magical first date again - 'sharing secrets, sharing dreams, finding someone to share your soul'. 'THAT'S what it's supposed to be about, right?' Keep searching for that sign from the universe to wondrously knock on your door. 

13) It is highly common for those who've been DOA from the dating department, to call and cancel minutes before with a faked illness. Just make sure you don't do so directly by the  restaurant window your dishy date is already seated at. I can only assume we panic and ruin what might have been awesome on account of fear. It doesn't make you 'a terrible person.' 

14) As an abashed addition to point 13 - when the town catch wind of your plain mean stupidity, they are sure to lay some of their classic SOB on thee. 'Not getting any younger' and how your 'childbearing years are dwindling'. Like you're not already chiding yourself 'What is wrong with you? The only good single man in 4 counties and you stand him up? Why? Why would you do that?'  

15) Being coerced to co-host a black tie event with the one you had a lusty affair with is going to be awkward turtle, when you're solemnly bound to your shameful secret. Living in the same, small town you've 'got to figure out a way to get along'. 

16) 'What better way to start a friendship than with a turtle race?' The pace should be slow and steady and if anything becomes turtley uncomfortable or destructive, just hide back in your shell. Cowabunga, turtle power!!! :D 

17) As much as a daughter despises to admit it, maybe your mother has a point. You need to make a life for yourself so can't just go home and wallow. 'Maybe it needs to be a life by yourself right now.'  Get a pal to help you off the sofa and rid you of your pint of rocky road ice cream, then take yourself 'on a date as an independent, self-reliant woman'. 

18) You can't let your ex hubs or wife, marry the extremely jealous, 'grade D douche' bully who 'never let up making fun' of your drunk Daddy. You'll have to be such an idiot in the process and risk your rib being re-broken but your friend can do better. We hope that they'll be miserable without you too! 

19) Pitying looks are cast upon the singleton purchasing ONE ticket at the movies. I don't want to be brutal but I want to sumo slam all these condolatory cockatoos.  

20) 'Everyone is afraid to make themselves vulnerable. It's about baby steps though' and then 'maybe there's hope for you yet'. Particularly after you've gone through some really big emotional circumstances. Even the pairings who appear perfectly matched may not have ever had one night like Diane Keaton and Woody Allen, in Annie Hall where they magically connected and bared souls. 

21) When all you do is fight and it seems like you hate each others guts - it confirms what was already feared; that's love, 'you goon!' 'We have always been electric together. We just need to give in to the passion.'  

22) Degenerate psycho lunatics take note of this brilliant insight: it's not worth committing a serious felony and serving major jail time, for catching your girl canoodling with another man. 'Next time try flowers' rather than nearly killing someone to prove that you love them enough. 

23) Sweetheart, shooting yourself in the leg with a dropped crossbow is 'what you get for being a knight in shining armour all the time'. Man, you dumb if you know how to handle a cross bow but forget to switch on the safety. 

24) Watching the magnifique movie Casablanca is so sad. But it teaches us 'we can't give up. Love is worth fighting for.'  Accordingly, if that forces us to do something romantic and rash, so be it. 

25) The nice fellows who are here, single and real possibilities will appreciate your freak out and show mercy by accepting your apology. Invite them out for a drink at 10am to make up for it and prove you're not usually that crazy. Afterwards, change your facebook status to happy.