2) Men who have spent half their life in a locker room, should not dispense tweens with romantic advice. 'You get back out there, you give him hell. Cos winners never quit. Okay, no guts no glory.' Leave the football encouragements out of a motivational speech.
3) 'Try and remember the holidays are supposed to be about joy.' Not about shoe shopping, aka the female version of getting a beer with the guys or worrying when the beautiful, 18 foot Douglas fir tree will be delivered.
4) 'Every pageant has at least one injury victim.' We all know a few minor scrapes, bumps, sprained ankles, laryngitis and make up mishaps (e.g gluing eyelashes together) come with the territory. But will that get them down? Will it, HECK?! The girlies fight so bravely on, wowing with their radiant, overly-dolled up-choking-on-their-own-hairspray-bimbo selves.
5) 'It does not make you any less of a woman, that you yourself have no wedding plans. Or a boyfriend. Or even a prospect of one.' This is your private, personal business so don't be made to feel inferior for being a 'dignified spinster' as they may like to refer to you as. We may sweat through 3 pairs of underwear but by golly at least our accent is not a 'fingers-on-the-chalkboard thing'. The men don't know what they're missssssssssssing. Honestly.... HONESTLY.
7) 'A smart woman would not to try to flirt with a judge to influence his decision.' That objective 'arrogant ass' will resent you using your personal history with him, as a chance to mess with his head and sway the vote.
8) Raccoons are bad ass biters. They even manage to break into mangers, in the middle of the night and eat an arm off the baby Jesus 'as if he didn't suffer enough.' It'll require paper mache-ing back on!
9) Bribing a 'sucker for a girl in a sparkly dress' with chicken poppers, is sorta a moral gray area. Give it a go all the same, perhaps one of those types can be bought.
10) 'You think you're having a good time, think you're having a lot of fun' when you've gotten *ahem* 'cozy' with 'pretty much every single woman' in the town. Sleeping with a lotttttttttttt of girls is what passes for recreation to some hot-blooded bachelors. Whatever happened to communication? The art of conversation? Think of 'finding a nice girl and settling down' before you're passed your use by date.
12) No matter how awful the mother who abandoned her little angel is - DON'T THROW something away, that was given to you out of love into a lake/pond/river/ocean!! 'Things may seem confusing and wrong, but she was your mother. You can't not think about it.' If nothing else, the locket looks fab around your neck and is a reminder of happier times when she did make you feel like you were 'the most important thing in the whole world.' All that anger and resentment isn't useful.
13) It's a low, non-meticulously thought out moment for a player when his madcap, half-baked, tree-thieving undertaking is foiled by the father of one of the many, many minxes you've played the field with. Darn tootin' straight he 'doesn't exactly love you', if he'd vowed to shoot you dead if he saw you again and has you arrested for trespassing. So much for the 'benefits' of sleeping around, 'my friend!'
14) 'We can't pretend to understand what makes people do the things they do. Shame can be a hard thing.' Emotionally charged reactions of losing your temper over coward liars and the like are expected and forgivable. Losing you from their life is their loss and that's punishment enough.
15) 'Pull(ing) a nose hair' to produce tears is a gross but effective technique. That is, if you don't mind snotting out profanities subsequently!
17) How can you even think of discussing Transporter 1, 2 or 3 when you're banged up in jail? Your cell mate will not be down for making cinematic chit chat, when 'it's been a long night'; he's tired and does 'not feel like talking right now!' The immaturity of the twit, who tricked their best bud into stealing a Christmas tree, 'knows no bounds.'
18) Shooting off with your mouth to a Sheriff or having shot 'yourself in the damn leg with a crossbow' are both really REALLY stupid. But we love the stories!
19) Never allow your hairdresser to give you 'Dolly Parton big' hair; it's 'not good for so many reasons.' It is totally impossible for any person, including Dolly Parton to pull that look off!
20) It is insane to blame the 'low and short' babe who has been 'making eyes' at your fiancee; when he is the one who has been flirting with her. 'Maybe there's something about you that he just isn't finding in her.' That he is everything you could ever want is beside the point in this battle.
22) Leading on the girl you have sparks with 'with all your stupid flirting' STINKS!! 'Unless you're planning on scrapping your wedding plans' back off before all the single guys she hasn't gone out with, wish to stab you with a fork! 'You can't go around being all nice and friendly and flirty with someone, when you are clearly with someone else. It's misleading, it's frustrating and it's not fair!'
23) It's human to get swept away, and passionately make out with a man who has retrieved something sentimental and special to you from a lake. What would make it *perfect* would be if he were your hubby-to-be...but the guy who IS your intended is in NYC and your relationship has gone south. Once you dip your toe in that water sooner or later - you drown.
24) The steady, unrelenting tears that fall, from the face of your hurting, fancy woman kill you. She turns up on your doorstep distraught, knowing she shouldn't be there so to shut the door on her as she sobs her heart out is soul-destroying. 'I can't be here for you like this anymore when you're going to marry someone else. If you have something meaningful you need to talk about, the person you need to talk about it with is your fiancee.'
25) First of all, be flattered when your hottie tottie neighbour asks to buy you a drink. Ooooh baby baby, the chemistry sizzles between the pair who mutually hated each others guts, when first they met ;)
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