Hart of Dixie Wisdom (Mistress and Misunderstandings)

1) 'There's only one reason a girl who hasn't had the company of a man for several months is suddenly euphoric.' And it's not what all the males would suspect - that she's getting lucky with a sexual guest. That happy glow is on account of her having so much good, clean,  fun with a new found female companion. 

2) How could you not 'wake up and just really, really appreciate how beautiful life is?' Despite having patients puke up on the floor, that you would otherwise yell at for them to go far from you!! 

3) Your cat has 'got jealousy issues' when it scratches you bloodily on the chest when you have 'lady guests (if you know what I mean)' over. Unfortunately we do. Upsetting your pets eco-system will get you on their bad side. For serious. 

4) 'A buttering-up dinner' to seal a deal by making all a person's favourite dishes 'would seem a little desperate.' It's sure to work if an Alabaman heart full of persuasion, puts the plan into action. 

5) 'All the smiling, pleasantries, all the nice things she's going out of her way to do, like buying a man his favourite pickles even when that man doesn't ask for them' isn't necessarily indicative of a secret boudoir buddy. OR a death row inmate. Indeed if there did happen to be a string of lesser paramours queuing up for the affections of your neighbour; hidden cameras are not the way to go and find out. 

6) You're finally becoming BFF's when: you've chanced upon a girl in whose home you don't have to whisper about bodily functions ('DIARRHEA! VOMIT! SNOT! POOP! PEE!PERIOD! VAGINA!') or use coasters, and can enjoy talking about boys, watching rom coms and eating not-pleasant frozen pizza that 'tastes like cardboard and spray cheese.' (All Zoe Hart's know that 'really good pizza is the size of your face and handed to you by a guy named Vito') 

7) Not going there with the guy who lives next door and 'equals delicious' conveys that 'you are crazy pants!' Mmmmm mama like ;)

8) 'We love Pictionary. We sure do.' It just turns out that there's no such thing as a 'friendly' little game of Pictionary. Now that you know, get okay with that. Don't be cheating, we all know it doesn't count if you get the answer after the time runs out. The board never lies. 

9) You know what they say, 'if it walks like a duck and it sounds like a duck, then (the dreamboat) doctor of the duck' is sleeping with the woman he sent flowers to. To hell with her privacy; this can be deduced by peeking at the card attached to the bouquet. 

10) 'You're sneaking around, lying, keeping your relationship a secret - that's the very definition of a mistress right there.' If in order to allow yourself some happiness in private you take to hiding your closet, non-sexual girlfriend in your closet- so be it. Keep them all guessing!

11) 'A real friend is somewhere you can walk through town with.' A male learning that there is no making out within the furtive friendship is a well of disappointment. 

12) Luncheon organising pointers: a) 'Are you sure the sunflowers match the brie?' (We don't even know what that means) it is apparent that the floral display must pair well with the cheese. b) Ribbons must be properly curled - this is easy as pie. c) Centre pieces require work if it looks like a 2nd grader assembled it. d) Men get a free pass for their childish behaviour when their partners are too preoccupied with party planning to be angry.  

13) The following is a for instance - 'Does she make you wait around until she's free?' (Yeah) 'Does she return your calls even after you've called her 4 times?' (No) Answering like unto the bracketed ones and you are being treated like a CHUMP. You have to stop letting them. Often that involves an ultimatum. 

14) As a rule, eavesdropping generally reveals more than you bargained for and more often than not, you get the wrong end of the stick. Confounding information reaching the ears of a person 'peachy keen' to end you is disastrous. 

15) 'Heavens to Betsy! What kind of belle doesn't carry a tissue with them?' It is most unrefined for a matron's nose to be runny. The other dames don't desire to be your snot police.  

16) Woah, MOVE AWAY from the dumb ass man arguing at the stupid jar of peanut butter! We bet those perfect 'such a damn grown up' don't stick their fingers in it either. That's not okay. It's just utterly NUTTY. 

17) Save yourself a world of pastry pain and opt for Petit fours. 'Everyone is sick to death of dreadful cherry tortes.' There is not a bigger idiot than a cherry torte contributor.

18) Chances are high for disaster when the loser at the bar stool is drinking all alone at 3 in the afternoon. 'FYI it's really not a great thing to mix alcohol with antibiotics.' Whats-his-nuts oughta go home and get some rest, sleep off the solvents. 

19) One cliche that's true: 'The right person will' 'appreciate you for how great you are,' 'trust me.' They'll want to love on you for the rest of your lovely lives so much so you'll rarely make it out the door ;)

20) There are a lot of other good guys 'out there, serious men with adult responsibilities, who have the sense to tell the girl how they feel.' These cavaliers are full on hitting on your woman! 'You gotta stop pulling pigtails.. comb your damn hair.. put on a clean shirt.' 

21) 'Nothing is worth crossing this kind of line' that comes from finding out a juicy little tidbit. Give yourself a high 5 and internally gloat that you've got one on them but pass the morality test by not taddling. 'This craziness ends now.'

22) 'A friend's a friend. Male or female who gives a damn? As long as you've got somebody to back you in a knife fight, I'd say you're doing alright.' You should be able to chill with anyone you like, undeterred by those keeping an eye on you. 

23) When you're with the kind of woman that is moody and withdrawn 'sometimes you need an outlet.' It could be in the form of golfing or drinking or wii tennis etc etc.. just come up with something to keep at an arm's length from their irrational bursts of anger! But it's normal to want to kill your other half at LEAST once a day....... riiiiiight????

24) For the record sugar plums, engraved key chains in the wrong hands make the snooper think you're up to no good. Which perhaps you are - winky face ;) 

25) Planting a peck right on the kisser on a handsome vet right before the town is a very sexy way to flaunt the start of your new relationship. The PDA hysteria that surrounds you  and your 'Peaches' in this situation is humorous and confusing. 'That kiss was worth taking another shot at.'