The Rianneymoon starts here ☽

February 28th 2015, this is the date I set off for what MIGHT be the biggest vagabond voyage I'll ever take. I am doing this now, while I'm single and have the funds as it may well be my sole opportunity to see this continent. Australia has been at the top of my travel bucket list for eons and now that it has come round, I'm stressed to the max but also walking on sunshine :D 

ANYTHING is possible when you travel and that's both the exhilarating and equally terrifying marvel about it for me. So whether that entails falling crazy in love with a devastatingly, handsome surfer who throws shrimps on the barbie (highly unlikely!) or fall headfirst splat into kangaroo poop (a much more probable plausibility since I am a Tweedle Twit) - I'll embrace it all. And try to do so gladly and cheerily. Don't panic, parents I'll endeavour to stay out of prison at all costs :P 

This is fair warning, creepy critters of Aussie land - if you cross me I'll let you have it in the kisser! Stay faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrr away from the lil' looney, if you don't want to get smacked in the smackerooney. (Sorry Hayley, if you see this. I swear, I will not lay a finger upon a strand of their fur or whatever enshrouds the animal - even if provoked. I'll scarper!!!) 

I'm going to love every minute of my time in Australia, even if I fall flat on my bum doing it. I'm fully aware what a scaredy kitten I have been leading up to this, when everything got on top of me and it all suddenly seemed not so YAYYYYYYYY. It is exactly *this* that will give me the motivation to make the very most of the month I have in a country I won't get to visit for probably years, if ever again. 

You can fully expect mini updates/boasty bragging/snapshots of fun/the odd blog keeping you all informed about everything I'm up to. These are coming whether you like it or not (dependent upon how tired I am before bed or if there is wifi while I am resting during a meal) so if you know these will bug you, block or delete or unfollow etc to avoid such travelogues and documentations of amazing or awful things I'm experiencing. 

The last plane to crazy town leaves in approximately 19 hours (but my coach to the airport much much sooner) so I should really get some shut eye.  Thank you for all your kind messages and well wishes :) I'll think of all of you at home anytime I feel slightly alone, all the way on the other side of the world and need a morale boost. Miss you already xxx

6 more sleeps

That's right my snookums, just 6 more til I leave for 'Straya as the natives call it :D I'm past my jitters, no longer in a tizzy and have moved right on to extreme excitation. Except for the heartless, unfeeling fiend of jet lag that I have almost no control over. It will pain me not to be cozy in bed over the course of my flights as I'm a FREAK for sleep. 

There's no way around it. It's unavoidable. I can't escape from the greatest, inconvenient down side on my voyage to the other side of the world. Jet lag is the price one has to pay when traversing on earth and crossing several time zones. Gahhhhh! If only there were a way to rip off your head for the duration over nations and then re-attach it on landing, so as to be fresh as a daisy.. MINUS big, fat, stupid jet lag. 

So as not to be caught in *too* much of a sleep-deprived predicament such as I am envisaging - I WILL be flying over in my jim jams (much to the amusement of my work mates!! And NO not in my Stitch onesie but not because I'd be embarrassed because I adore it - it just won't be practical at all on two long haul flights.. for y'know powdering my nose. I believe that's the prim and proper, polite lady way to say 'take a tinkle') for restful snugness and warmth. My phone clock will be instantly adjusted to Melbourne time so I can sleep when the Melburnians would. 

When I was a baby, my parents would get me to sleep by driving me around at night and ever since then I have acquired a gift for falling asleep on public transportation. (Ask Laura and Mathilde about our Corfu trip but not about the beef story because they enjoy telling that humiliating one, farrrrrrrrrrrrrrr too much!!) So thanks Mum and Dad for raising me to be a talented snoozer which will enable me to nap away before my holiday :) 

But but but usually when I fly to a faraway country I opt for the plane that will get me in at night so I can go straight to bed. This time instead, I had the IDIOT idea to select the least expensive option which will mean I touch down at 6 AM LOCAL TIME. I did not think that one through fully. D'oh! Meaning I'll be exhausted and have a full day ahead of me. 

The plan was (as most globetrotters recommend) to NOT nap upon arrival but I just know I'll be dead to the world if I don't and will never make it to night time. It wouldn't even shock me if I fell asleep in the middle of wandering around Melbourne city, mid-sightseeing, in broad daylight and in a very public place. The only concern with taking a siesta when reaching my hostel (as arranged with the one I am staying at) is my minuscule  sleeping-through-about-200-alarms-set problem because I sleep so spectacularly well. (I don't like to brag but I really am an amaaaaaaaaaaaazing sleeper!) ;) Optimistically, I'd like to catch 40 winks without sleeping away an ENTIRE first day of my month in Oz. I'd  really regret that and don't want to waste so many hours. 

Keep your fingers and eyelids crossed, that I'll manage to beat the cruel creature of jet lag that obnoxiously inflicts itself on victims - with speed and with ease. 

Thank you kindly, from the cheeky little weirdo xxx

Hypochondriac attack

The instant I clicked the button to pay for my scarily soon impending trip to Australia.. I was taken over by irrational trepidation. My entire body trembles every night and my heart races so fast and furiously, I wouldn't be surprised if it burst out of my chest cavity.

Why this is happening on a nightly occurrence I don't really know. Abject terror of the terrors of the land down under, play a starring role in my nightmares. Yes there is a possibility (albeit a teeny tiny one) that a funnel web spider or Eastern brown snake potentially could fatally thrust their fangs into my flesh but... what are the odds that will happen to me? I can hear the Bloggersphere laughing in my face :D

Shouldn't I be giddy with excitement for my upcoming Rianneymoon adventuring? The smaller part of me IS. I've had the desire to visit these shores for the best part of ten years. I know I'm lucky that this is finally a dream that will be realised. And I truly hope I can snap out of this silliness before boarding the first plane.

WHY EXACTLY AM I FRIGHTENING MYSELF FOOLISH? 

*Flying. That in itself is a cause of crushing anxiety to me at this time. Purely due to the incidents in recent times. Though I will wish someone would knock me unconscious for the duration because the journey is loathfully long.. the duration is not one of the several factors contributing to my fears. I'm trying not to watch the news to avoid any catastrophic crashes which will prevent me stepping foot out of the airport.

*Loneliness. I'm Oz-trotting all by myself and as I'm getting on a bit, maybe everyone at the hostels will be young and beautiful and won't want to know me. It's not that I expect people I meet to be fussing around me but if I'm completely palmed off on account of being the granny of the group it will make me feel cruddy. Part of what makes visiting a new country so appealing to me is meeting new friends from all walks of life. If no one has a bar of me and I'm an isolated outcast, that will make this whole journey rather wretched. 

*Natural disasters. Let's not even think about those.... But I do, have and am. I stupidly search google (or your search engine of preference) to find out what is looming closer. Brisbane is currently bracing itself for a super storm off the back of Cyclone Marcia is bearing down on the coast. Residents have been urged to start sandbagging!! 

*Deadly beasties - just clapping my eyes on any of the MANY dangerous, venomous breeds of monster and I will run crying for my mama. Crossing paths on my intended treks  with a critter through the outback/jungle this IS a likelihood if I'm not careful and cautious continually. Fortunately, lots of anti-venoms exist and I will survive if I get transporter to hospital within vital time. However, should I happen upon a drastically lethal creature - I can kiss goodbye to ever seeing my family again :'( 

*Accidents - me being me, I surely will have some unexpected mishap or disastrous setback at some point during my stay in the land down under. Dammit, I'm a walking hazard! Thusly, I plan to go prepared for all manner of calamity. 

With all this unease piling high, you may be wondering why I like to roam this planet at all... I've been a restless little spirit with itchy feet ever since I can remember. I WANT TO SEE THIS WORLD - more than life itself (almost). Despite everything that is screaming at me NOT to go; this weirdo is desperately attempting to cast all apprehension aside. 

So long as I pull myself together and acknowledge that all my worries have the probability of (not-an-accurate-estimation) approx 1 million to one; I shan't be reduced to a gibbering wreck prior to leaving. NOTE TO SELF: Stop jinxing my once in a lifetime trip before I am even flying through the clouds.

Operation GET EXCITED TO DO AUSSIE THINGS (vegemite eating, crocodile wrestling, boomerang throwing and wombat cuddling etc)  - beginneth now. 

9 MORE SLEEPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gilmore Girls Gems *Double Date*

1) Enthusiastically support your friend who requests to be set up on a double date, with your boyfriend's bud. She's hoping to initiate a romantic relationship with him and is 'talking soul mate here.' 

2) 'Some people don't have legs or arms. I have legs and arms. What more could I possibly want than legs and arms?' Some of the completely crazy chat that comes out in the midst of a limb soliloquy. But really, what more could you want? Truly. 

3) Dot the I's and cross the t's of the 'amorphous, theoretical "let's maybe go out sometime and do something not too specific" date floating out there in the universe. The lad has already said yes, so call him to arrange a concrete plan before you lose your nerve. 

4) It's not an eye-opener that people buy cell phones for the exact reason that 'you could get a hold of them anytime you want.' They also come in quite handy for leaving messages of female jibber jabber to the one you want to go out with. Moreover, a cell is indispensable in case your car breaks 'down at night and you need to call someone for help and there's psycho killers.' 

5) 'What are best friends for?' if not to go on a blind double date (though these we hate) as a favour to our mate (as she is feeling ill at ease). Chances are you will regret agreeing to this but it's almost worth it as there's nothing better we like than seeing the yin to our yang, happy.  

6) Squash your what if fears ('What if I'm making an idiot out of myself? What if.. tonight is a disaster and then he won't sell to me anymore?' What if I 'cornered him and he felt trapped and he had to say yes'?) if you let yourself go on this date with the man you like, you'd be happy *all* the time. 

7) 'Tonight is a good thing - whether you find out you're madly in love or you're not meant for each other, it's still a good thing.' Your friend will be right there no matter what because he/she loves that you're in their life and want you to know that. One point to note - you shouldn't open the door with TOO many hi's. 

8) Thank your lucky stars 'you just don't meet a lot of Runes's.' For they 'come into town completely unannounced', eat all your food, crash on your couch and are horrified by tall women. A long and tedious evening is ahead in their complain-y company. Not even a nice guilt trip will encourage them to be pleasant for one evening. 

9) 'I beg of you do not order the fresh mussels' even if they are fresh. 'A lot of times they say 'fresh' and they're not, they're frozen but they're just called 'fresh' because they were fresh when they were frozen. Plus if they're not stored with the correct drainage, they just sit around in their own excretions, which is kind of like sitting around in your own -' Simply avoid their yuckiness and point out the hypocrisy of the freshness stated on the menu. 

10) The world is fine and the friends you've set up are having fun. How do we know this? 'They're not in prison or in some sort of medieval torture chamber.' <----- The standard by which we measure fun, particularly when you are blindly infatuated by a person you have ZERO in common with. 

11) 'No matter how many beers you buy me tonight, I'm not going home with you - so I would concentrate on the one who might.' I'm sure because he fancies you, he thinks your nervous rambling reminiscing with your friend is charming but you can't spend all night not uttering a single word to your date. Relocate for burgers and less pressure if the place is too fancy.

12) Don't you understand how great being tall is? 'You can get all the stuff from the top shelf.'  Explain that to the blind date who doesn't rate your height. Frankly, getting a rectal exam would be more fun than getting stuck with a loon like a Rune. 

13) 'Chicks dig a man with a feminine side' Adding a little nutmeg to a hot beverage in a very Richard Simmons fashion is exceptionally sexy. Since you should not fornicate where you eat, restrain those urges to rip off their clothes then and there!

14) It is too pathetic to 'watch a man walk out on you, then I have to watch you eat alone.' A 5 card draw and friendly chuckles with the man-you-are-meant-to-be-with-but-don't-know-it-yet, will prevent you from being desperately lonely.  

15) It's nice 'the whole "first date, beginning of the relationship" glow. Everything is new and exciting.' 'Every joke is hilarious.' 'Every little touch is incredible.' You miss that gloriously good feeling when it's gone but you'll have it again and a lovely lad will romance your freakin' heart out. 

16) 'Two moms that's gotta be bad.' Lying to another mother (especially to a scary lady) is breaking the code and isn't showing respect. A child may view their buzz kill parent's imposed restrictions as unfair or overly controlling, but generally they have your best interests at heart and care for you more than you think. They just want you to be safe. 

17) Thank your friend for setting you up with the boy who is not the guy for you or 'anybody who can read, write, talk or function on a basic human level.' For if they hadn't, you'd still be in love with them. Nobody wants to dumb their sentences down for a dummy. 

18) 'Teenagers sometimes slip up.' Condemnatory judgments of their actions or locking a kid up and throwing away the key, doesn't always work. That's something to bear in mind when wrapping up a parcel of doom to punish your small fry with. Things may turn out differently with your teens if they have a little space or someone to listen to them. 

19) Goodie goodies 'do not want to incur the wrath of' anyone at all, in spite of how fun their minx of a mother insist it is. 

20) Witty, sexy, kind-hearted men who COOK are very thin on the ground. So maybe you could not rush out before he has a chance 'to kick your ass in poker' again sometime. 

Gilmore Girls Gems *Paris is Burning*

1) 'Puppies!!' which have been left in the cold and wet, along some 'sad highway' are a darling distraction. Can the pooches NOT be so cute, that we'll want to rescue every last one, get them pretty bowls and a new name? 

2) You are justified in dumping your vicious hamster 'with little beady eyes and a big forked tail' back to the pet store, IF it bites your hand every time you put it in the cage. AND LAUGHS. AT YOU. Though hamsters cannot. Why shouldn't you stuff *the quilted kind* of Kleenex in with the teeny hamster of douchebags??

3) Even if it what you've borrowed looks valuable 'it's a book. It's meant to be read.' For all that, not when your fella would rather pash you romantically. Granted, it is Marcel Proust who'll make you smart; you'd be DUMBER to pass up on your leading man.  

4) Fun has been had when you scandalously return home after 1AM, with 'a very big smile for a 'not bad' night.' Time can be really obnoxious, the way it flies by when you're exceedingly enjoying yourselves ;) 'You just go think about what you've done.' 

5) 'Dumb girls crave smart men. It's that whole Marilyn Monroe - Arthur Miller syndrome.' The way they speak so passionately and can still be mysterious has us crushing on the smartie; undeterred by their 'ridiculous teacher's salary.'

6) 'The colour blue is very pleasant isn't it?' Personally, I've always been of the opinion that yellow has a sexiness to it. Blue is fine but it's the colour of sad. 

7)  Just because you don't 'wait outside the mailbox' for the school newsletter and 'then instantly memorise the contents in 3 seconds'; it doesn't mean you don't care about your kid(s). GROSS I-would-rather-than-scenario: vomit and lick it up than disappoint our offspring in any way. 

8) Obviously your cute date was raised in a barn, should he arrive punctually for your social engagement. 'Who shows up at 8 o'clock for an 8 o'clock date?' 'Everybody knows that 8 o'clock means 8.20, 8.15 tops.' Ring the dating police for this heinous crime. With 10 points knocked off 'the dream guy quotient' your squire is only half amazing. 

9) Holy crapballs, it's a little uncomfortable to sit and make small talk with your mother's bf while she is still getting ready!! It also terrifically contravenes the good, dating handbook rule that the 'Daughter shall be nowhere near house when said man materialises.' 

10) Your feet will stop talking to you after thinking you can still skate, in your newly unrusted, really shiny pom-pommed pair. 'It's not like riding a bike you know.' Really, it's the Thumper (from Bambi) on ice curse all over again and your ice-skating prowess is rather limited. 

11) He's eliminated as a potential future husband when you've convinced yourself 'he is a great guy - for someone.' 'Someone else who is not you.'  And just as he's starting to grow on your kid as a human being too. Since you've decided he's probably not the guy for you, break it off before your teenage daughter gets too attached. 

12) 'It's never ever ok' to go from 'zero to jackass in 3.2 seconds' with your best friend. Misplacing your anger onto your closest confidante then you deserve for them to sing Ricky Martin songs at you endlessly.  

13) We 'don't think a book whose first sentence is 20 pages long is for' us. You gotta cherish this time on earth, don't be wasting it reading the longest novel known to mankind. 

14) On the occasion that you furiously french kiss, the fella you're breaking up with 'and doing it really badly' scan the perimeter for spies. The scumbag student, in your daughter's class is certain to spread the goss of the extreme nice-ness she witnessed, like wildfire through high school. 

15) Humans are prone to yelling (in stairwells) when the personal life they hoped to hide, humiliates them before their peers. 'It wasn't supposed to happen.' It's only after said event, that you 'realise now that that was a very bad idea.'  After all, parents are supposed to shield their children 'from shame, not cause it.'

16) 'Refrain from fighting in front of  the grandmother.' When they reel off our misdemeanors like *that*  (y'know in that condescending superior tone?) it sounds bad and makes us feel so teeny small. 'I just want to know what you were thinking. What was your reasoning? How did you justify it to yourself?'

17) 'A mistake is when you throw out your credit card bill - a mistake is when you forget to RSVP to a dinner party - a mistake is when the gardeners miss trash day and the barrels are full for a week. This my girl, was NOT a mistake.' Lasciviously licking the tongues of chalk-holding educators, categorically do not fall under this category. 

18) Scandal sharing ------> some of us live for that stuff, not caring who gets hurt in the process. You 'probably shouldn't have told people what you saw' and it is not acceptable because your own private family problems have been talked about. Truthfully, these stirrers just need someone to talk to them not about them.  

19) How to sweetly shut up the boob, murmuring about mediocrity winning and 'the desensitised masses': unexpectedly ask him out to dinner sometime, with you. 

20) Though a 'beyond great' NC-17 rated kiss is very sexyyyy it can also complicate relationships and jeopardise careers. It could have all been avoided if only you'd kept your personal and professional lives totally separate. Herein lies the power of luscious lips!