Gilmore Girls Gems *Paris is Burning*

1) 'Puppies!!' which have been left in the cold and wet, along some 'sad highway' are a darling distraction. Can the pooches NOT be so cute, that we'll want to rescue every last one, get them pretty bowls and a new name? 

2) You are justified in dumping your vicious hamster 'with little beady eyes and a big forked tail' back to the pet store, IF it bites your hand every time you put it in the cage. AND LAUGHS. AT YOU. Though hamsters cannot. Why shouldn't you stuff *the quilted kind* of Kleenex in with the teeny hamster of douchebags??

3) Even if it what you've borrowed looks valuable 'it's a book. It's meant to be read.' For all that, not when your fella would rather pash you romantically. Granted, it is Marcel Proust who'll make you smart; you'd be DUMBER to pass up on your leading man.  

4) Fun has been had when you scandalously return home after 1AM, with 'a very big smile for a 'not bad' night.' Time can be really obnoxious, the way it flies by when you're exceedingly enjoying yourselves ;) 'You just go think about what you've done.' 

5) 'Dumb girls crave smart men. It's that whole Marilyn Monroe - Arthur Miller syndrome.' The way they speak so passionately and can still be mysterious has us crushing on the smartie; undeterred by their 'ridiculous teacher's salary.'

6) 'The colour blue is very pleasant isn't it?' Personally, I've always been of the opinion that yellow has a sexiness to it. Blue is fine but it's the colour of sad. 

7)  Just because you don't 'wait outside the mailbox' for the school newsletter and 'then instantly memorise the contents in 3 seconds'; it doesn't mean you don't care about your kid(s). GROSS I-would-rather-than-scenario: vomit and lick it up than disappoint our offspring in any way. 

8) Obviously your cute date was raised in a barn, should he arrive punctually for your social engagement. 'Who shows up at 8 o'clock for an 8 o'clock date?' 'Everybody knows that 8 o'clock means 8.20, 8.15 tops.' Ring the dating police for this heinous crime. With 10 points knocked off 'the dream guy quotient' your squire is only half amazing. 

9) Holy crapballs, it's a little uncomfortable to sit and make small talk with your mother's bf while she is still getting ready!! It also terrifically contravenes the good, dating handbook rule that the 'Daughter shall be nowhere near house when said man materialises.' 

10) Your feet will stop talking to you after thinking you can still skate, in your newly unrusted, really shiny pom-pommed pair. 'It's not like riding a bike you know.' Really, it's the Thumper (from Bambi) on ice curse all over again and your ice-skating prowess is rather limited. 

11) He's eliminated as a potential future husband when you've convinced yourself 'he is a great guy - for someone.' 'Someone else who is not you.'  And just as he's starting to grow on your kid as a human being too. Since you've decided he's probably not the guy for you, break it off before your teenage daughter gets too attached. 

12) 'It's never ever ok' to go from 'zero to jackass in 3.2 seconds' with your best friend. Misplacing your anger onto your closest confidante then you deserve for them to sing Ricky Martin songs at you endlessly.  

13) We 'don't think a book whose first sentence is 20 pages long is for' us. You gotta cherish this time on earth, don't be wasting it reading the longest novel known to mankind. 

14) On the occasion that you furiously french kiss, the fella you're breaking up with 'and doing it really badly' scan the perimeter for spies. The scumbag student, in your daughter's class is certain to spread the goss of the extreme nice-ness she witnessed, like wildfire through high school. 

15) Humans are prone to yelling (in stairwells) when the personal life they hoped to hide, humiliates them before their peers. 'It wasn't supposed to happen.' It's only after said event, that you 'realise now that that was a very bad idea.'  After all, parents are supposed to shield their children 'from shame, not cause it.'

16) 'Refrain from fighting in front of  the grandmother.' When they reel off our misdemeanors like *that*  (y'know in that condescending superior tone?) it sounds bad and makes us feel so teeny small. 'I just want to know what you were thinking. What was your reasoning? How did you justify it to yourself?'

17) 'A mistake is when you throw out your credit card bill - a mistake is when you forget to RSVP to a dinner party - a mistake is when the gardeners miss trash day and the barrels are full for a week. This my girl, was NOT a mistake.' Lasciviously licking the tongues of chalk-holding educators, categorically do not fall under this category. 

18) Scandal sharing ------> some of us live for that stuff, not caring who gets hurt in the process. You 'probably shouldn't have told people what you saw' and it is not acceptable because your own private family problems have been talked about. Truthfully, these stirrers just need someone to talk to them not about them.  

19) How to sweetly shut up the boob, murmuring about mediocrity winning and 'the desensitised masses': unexpectedly ask him out to dinner sometime, with you. 

20) Though a 'beyond great' NC-17 rated kiss is very sexyyyy it can also complicate relationships and jeopardise careers. It could have all been avoided if only you'd kept your personal and professional lives totally separate. Herein lies the power of luscious lips!