Gilmore Girls Gems *The Deer Hunters*

1) 3 highlighters are crucial - in case 'one dries up, another gets lost, you have one left' Do you really need me to write this down? Isn't it considered common knowledge? :D 

2) B grades are not bad, respectable even. 'D however is a cause for concern, a cry for help. Not everybody can be smart, someone has to answer the phones'. You don't suck and you're not an academic nitwit.  'It's one grade, it's not the end of the world, you'll catch up.' As much as monsters try to make you feel worthless, you did your best and you'll do better. 

3) Scratchers of $300 Italian loafers are imbeciles *which sounds funnier in a French accent* Can you kill them? No. So cursing them constantly in several languages shall have to suffice. And you can glare at them all you want to too. 

4) Young and fiery women shouldn't be studying or compiling shopping lists when there's celebrating to be done - 'where's to hell with it all? Where's throwing caution to the wind?' 

5) 'Cold pizza is not the same when you heat it up'. UNDISPUTED FACT. But this continues to surprise me each and every time. Why do I think this is the moment where it will taste just as yummo? 

6) Snickers is 'chocolate covered death with a crunchy caramel surprise' That calorific bar is a magic cure for all that is gloomy on the globe. 

7) 'Fine is a word you use when someone stops you on the street that you sort of know but you don’t wanna talk to, so they ask you how you are and you say fine and that’s just enough so they don’t have to keep talking because they don’t want to. And then they can feel good about themselves because they’ve been considerate enough to ask and then if God forbid something actually is wrong they’ll actually sit down and take the time to listen, even though they don’t want to'. It's NEVER fine to say 'fine' to a female or perfectionist chef, in the interest of your own health and safety. 

8) We can get a rave review of glowing positives but it is always the one minor critique that sticks out and niggles away at us. Don't worry about it, enjoy doing what you do best. PROVING THAT CRITIQUE TO BE INCORRECT. 

9) Making lame jokes when you are late for a parent/teacher meeting, then bashing into the globe is not extremely charming and will not win a whole crowd of snooty parasite parents over. 

10) Saturday at 7 am school tests should be outlawed. The headmaster (AKA El Duce which doesn't really mean 'kind Sir' in Cantonese) will ROT. 

11) Your child will kill you when they find out you've been spilling mortifying stories to their new teacher, about using a sweater as a makeshift diaper on a really ill-fated shopping trip. Or similar other subjects which were supposed to be dropped for the rest of eternity. 

12) 'Violent pencil tossing usually signals a need for pie.' You've hit a rock and you're sinking, so I'm thinking - get some stinkin' sweet potato pie before either you or a pencil die. 

13) Seconds of silliness can sneak up on us. Don't you hate when you're an idiot and don't know it? 'I like to be aware of my idiocy to really revel in it, take pictures.' Because dumbness should be documented. 

14) What could be more humiliating than admitting you once loved Saved by the Bell? Don't be dissing  Saved by the Bell! That show is some of our sainted memories of childhood. Who didn't drool over AC Slater? We all shipped Kelly and Zack, right? :S 

15) Staying up all night to cram before an exam is more trouble than it's worth. Falling asleep on the kitchen table at a right angle is such a bad sleeping idea. Oh and you'll oversleep, making you tardy for that test.  

16) Fries with horseradish sauce is only satisfying IN the moment. The spiral of non-satisfaction soon hits after you swallow. 

17) Getting HIT by a kamikaze deer at a stop sign, isn't going to make for a believable excuse despite it really happening or the antler prints on the side of your mother's car. PS - deer love salt. 

18) You're bound to go ballistic at the biggest jerk in the world's face when you are forbidden from entering the exam. 'What's up, quippy? Why so silent?' Beat the punks to a pulp with your dainty fists!

19) 'Women always think they can change men'. C'mon the uncouth never change their underwear so moulding a man into the one you really wanted is just not achievable. You can't take that chance with your heart. 

20) Snotty little rotting stodgy rat holes of schools 'nurture horrible kids who treat each other like mortal enemies and set impossible standards that make normal people feel less than everyone else'. 

21) An impromptu nature walk isn't best when in heels and you're not a nature person.

22) 16 year olds shouldn't be studying *that* hard that they're killing themselves and don't know their nose from their navel. 'Get some sleep, eat a real meal and come up for air once in a while.'

23) We ought to want our kids to be dancing through the woods, crazy happy. If something ISN'T making them that - forget about it. However, as hard as it is, sometimes they have to see for themselves and learn the difficult way. 

24) 'As long as we remain women we reserve the right to change our mind', as is our prerogative and privilege as the XX chromosomed.  When are the XY'ed going to figure out we are always right? :D

Hart of Dixie Wisdom (The undead and the unsaid)

1) 'Troubled sleep means a troubled mind' OR it could be due to listening to mosquitoes die in your bug zapper. These demons are deliberately trying to destroy your dozing, so for that reason they deserve to be hurt with a zapping! 

2) Dresses should not be deemed as cute by a father if it shows off 'places only God should see'. Daughter wants to go slummin' and is intentionally traipsing around in it, so that it cannot be returned and to treat the wondering eyes of the hormone-raged hoodlums. 

3) Lads are completely incompetent liars - every one of them. By the time a lie is thought up, they forget what they're lying about. You can always know with confidence they are up to something funky; don't let them fool you with their own foolishness. 

4) The bad girl troubles that coincide with a little sister who has Daddy wrapped around her little finger: You are made out to be the Wicked Witch and payback is imminent from the  sibling who once worshiped you. More often than not, she has a great deal of devious in her due to your duplicitous influence. 

5) Nobody is a gullible enough weenie to believe that your vehicle trampled a tramp/man/town hero who has been dead for over a year. The image of which is burned into your brain after the incident.

6) Master maddeners can have 2 people angry at them when it's not even 10am! If they weren't so gorgeous, they'd have gotten their tush tanned. 

7) Daren't get a man out of bed on pancake day to hunt for a dead guy, cos that'll just get ugly. Hunks do get precious about their pancakes, who'd-a-thunk??

8) Boys are IMPOSSIBLE to decipher. Can't all females attest to that? Decoding Dudes 101 classes may someday become fundamental in the understanding of this species. 

9) Every spooky story needs owls hooting, leaves rustling, the howls of the wind and restless ghosts (who were never declared dead as their body was not found) asking for help at the dead of night. The woods are filled with the wandering dead but most people are too closed off to accept the presence of the spirits. 

10) It's weirdly sweet when a guy is grumpy about your ghost-chasing but agrees to  a sexless sleep over on your couch, just because you are frightened. But he'll be cured of your certifiably crazy hotness. 

11) A true classic and moronically perilous rite of passage: passing out drunk from copious supplies of fruit punch and vodka. 'Is poisoning bad? YEAH it's bad!' THINK BEFORE YOU DRINK. Adolescents, abstain from alcohol completely to avoid - choking on your own vomit, cardiac arrest and death. 

12) 'Teenagers are hard'. And not only the privileged princesses inhabiting the planet. ALL full blown youths are heavy duty troublesome and require watching like a hawk. 

13) Not all ladies suffering from sleeplessness need to get laid, as the Dr Phil wannabes with their non-expert psychological insights suggest. Their venereal services will go unused because not every girl wants to be gross with these bachelor types. 

14) Talking to your mother is mandatory when: they've journeyed on 2 planes, 'sat in a bus station of a town called Hickory butt and then taken a ride with a trucker who talks of shipping craw fish'. That's not somewhat stalkery considering they created you. 

15) Super liars expecting forgiveness for the large lie that has been your child's life to be rapid is unlikely. 'Lie - that's what we do for each other.' 

16) Single fathers have to step up to the plate and parent their holy terrors after being scared half to death by a daughter's latest escapade. It's not a big sister job to take care of an abandoned family. Acting like the wife who left them 12 years ago, is coming back from the store any minute is ludicrous. 

17) Signals that your life is turning into a Wes Craven horror movie: Getting caught in a booby trap, requiring rescue from the lothario you loathe on account of the whole cliche damsel-in-distress thing, a guy who has been dead a year and has a bleeding leg wound is at bay wielding a hatchet.

18) Doing what you think is right for your child ought not to include faking your own death. This defies all logic regardless of what an unreliable, dangerous, loser of a screw up you have become. It is *the* dictionary definition of crazy. 

19) 'Some lies are for the best.' 'Make a judgment call - is it always right?' 'Do you want to hear that your cat fell from windowsill and dropped 10 floors rather than died peacefully in sleep?' :( IF the falsehood is to spare those you care for some heartache then it could be considered not so terrible.  

20) Ground a teen from seeing their friends if they got her poison drunk less than 24 hours ago. Should the grounding be broken 'have the Sheriff bring (them) home in patrol car, run siren, flash lights and say name on speaker horn whole way.' This may sound to them like a ruined life and they'll shout in your face but at least they are safe and it won't end in their death.  

21) 'People can change, apparently people can be forgiven too. Go back, look them in the eye, tell them the truth - be a Dad. ' Take heed wives: it will frighten the fudge out of you if your dead husband miraculously comes home.  

22) Sound machines are very soothing. So soothing in fact you will have to tinkle in the middle of night. 

Hart of Dixie Wisdom (Faith and infidelity)

1) Your neighbour won't fulfill their promise to fix your fly screen, unless you're nicer to them. PS - Sleeping with a flyswatter throughout a Southern summer is a must, if bugs bug you and are thereby forbidden from your abode. 

2) On a Sunday morning if there is no sign of civilisation, everyone is no doubt in church. It's considered rude to interrupt a church service already in session - IN your night clothes, no less. Make a joke about doors with WD40 and exit hastily. And yes, the reason the church doors are so loud is so you can't sneak out halfway through. 

3) Great sunshiney moods are out of the question if a Hitchcockian swarm of flies were buzzing in your ears, all night long. Isn't that a ton of fun!?! And you have these flies because the front porch next door is 'a cemetery of takeout containers, empty beer bottles and half-eaten waffles.'  

4) To avoid being left to repopulate the Earth with the incredibly unbelievable *BUFF* buffoon (who suggested this), 'when all those nice churchgoing people get whooped up to Heaven' - attend a house of worship on the Sabbath with those churchgoers. 

5) An intended insult of 'cowboy' is taken as a compliment to a hot hot hotty Alabaman man. Did we mention that he is hot.. HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6) When is bundt cake ever a bad idea? When it is delivered by your 'friendly neighbourhood preacher' and his wife to officially welcome you to your new digs. 'Down here a bundt cake, is just a bundt cake.' It's not an implied contract that you will come to church or to bully you into ecclesiastical submission.

7) 'In New York, being a good neighbour is leaving each other alone'. Bluebellers aren't exactly known for that which is killing the newcomer with all this kindly consideration. 

8) YOU can't be annoyed when you accidentally run over your drunk as a skunk father,  *due to a tremendous oversight* even if all the good fishing spots will be gone. Thereafter, randomly check to see if anyone happens to be passed out under the boat.   

9) What's wrong with this picture when your good and righteous Reverend has syphilis? He and his wife are an inspiring couple, a true love story in the town's eyes- 'funny I don't remember the syphilis part in Romeo and Juliet.' 

10) 'Do you need your hair done every week? No, you do NOT. But the beauty parlour is the best place to bond, gossip and show the people in the town you're serious about becoming one of them.' Just wait until you see your amazing/weird big, idiot hair looking back at you in the mirror! 

11) Mix ups down at the lab must happen all the time with your medical test results. 'Sometimes.. not really. Technically, it's possible. There is no one percent. That is just the statistical margin of error.'  The lab doesn't lie, deal with it. 

12) 'You are always hardest on the ones, you like the most.' 'YES, like in An Officer and a Gentleman.' Personally I blame these rom coms for teaching women that this is fair and just treatment of the opposite sex. Come on be a grown up and don't take out the bad times on those you love. 

13) It's an unwritten rule, 'the sweeter they are - the more depraved they are.' So be wary of the ones who seem cuter than a baby unicorn, for they are normally up to no good. 

14) Nobody wants to tell the perfect little minister's wife, that her husband had an affair. As much as a 'minister cheating is so cliche', that is a BIG can of worms to open. How in heaven will the worm wriggle his way out of this?

15) 'People cheat. Even the ones we trust the most.' '50% of marriages end in divorce, life goes on, people survive.' The familiar refrains which you'd think would make us refrain from love altogether. 

16) When the terrible rumour going round is YOUR fault or you have been involved in propagating it, take your drink to go! Funnily enough you won't be gladly received sitting out in the crap storm, you've just rained down upon a revered member of the neighbourhood. 

17) It should make you nervous and nauseous, if your woman is acting real different - wearing lipstick and painting her toe nails purple. However if you're about as perceptive as a pickle you won't pick up on these suspicious indicators. 

18) Try not to believe the worst in people until you have confirmed proof. No matter how interesting, scandalous or sordid the presumption. 

19) How to make your man feel guilty when he goes behind your back to befriend your sworn enemy: Serve up their favourite new food and pull out all the stops! Remind them that they can't keep dwelling on the past and have got to look to the future. For you, are their future and their forever. *Not in a slasher psycho way but an itty bit*

20) It is kinda heroic when you have to sing down the village drunk, from the hardware store rooftop with an emotive rendition of Moon River. But when this is a monthly occurrence and the man is your father, you get used to climbing heights. Fortunately, you are spared from ascending the runged ladder in high heels but it does nothing to decrease your alarm! 

21) 'Maybe 99 out of 100 people will disappoint you.. but you may find the magic of the world in the margin of error.' 

22) How can you be jealous of 'a girl with no manners, dubious breeding and hair like a grill brush.' She's not even in the same universe but somehow the world around you, has noticed her including your intended. 

23) Trust in the fact that your spouse loves you but understand that he will miss somewhere he lived for 2 years. Don't pretend that didn't happen but it's not like he'll choose to leave again if he pines for that fancy world of his. What matters is the here and now and he's here, with you. 

24) You can't just ruin someone's life and pretend it didn't happen if you're the AWFUL one who pierced the wife of the Reverend's belly button without a license. 

25) Your girl is not losing it if they want to break out and be reckless from their stifled lifestyle sometimes.