Gilmore Girls Gems *Kill me now*

1) Should exchanges get prickly during an excruciating meal at the dinner table, commenting on how pretty your granny's plates are is a nice deflection. 

2) 'Physical fitness is as important as intellectual fitness. So says Plato and so say I.'  The non-athletic types are people too, gosh darn it. It's not that we won't give it a whirl, it's just that we've had bouts of food poisoning that we've found more enjoyable. 

3) Nothing is so important, that it can't wait for cake. You live in a sad, sad unsweetened world if that is not the case for you. 

4) 'Manipulating the situation in a way that gives no one an out is FORCE. Look it up.' Yes, maybe your child's sweet nature has been taken advantage of, but if she doesn't appear to be kicking and screaming, it's maybe not such a biggie to go golfing with your grandfather for one afternoon. 

5) When someone would rather 'slide down a banister of razor blades and land in a pool of alcohol' than do some mundane activity with you, they think you're in for the most supremely crappy, CRAPPY day. 

6) Twins marrying twins is...TOO weird and shockingly gross. 'It's like a really snooty double mint commercial.. It's against the laws of nature and just short of completely obscene.' If they were identical, how could you know for 100% that you were smooching your own husband?!

7) Golfing insights gleaned for my golfing ignorant friends: a) Golf isn't something you can teach in an afternoon. b) It is a good walk spoiled. c) Your driver is the most powerful club in the bag - it can be most valuable asset or greatest liability. d) To wield it properly requires a precise combination of confidence and humility

8) 'There are no rights and wrongs to the learning process'. However, it takes a lot of stupid to continually turf up their swings on the golf course.

9) 'We can't all just call everyone 'sweetie' and get away with it.' Aw sweetie, it's sweet that you thiiiiiink you are sweet enough to use this expression but very few are, without sounding preposterously patronising. 

10) 'Travelling for a young girl is a very important thing.' Backpack through Europe and do the whole hostel thing - why the hell not? 

11) You're lucky if your grandchildren don't look like they've 'fallen off the back of a potato truck!' But the grandkids that are truly fortunate are those whose grandparents feel they give them something to live for - no matter how beautiful their appearance is or isn't. 

12) As chilling as it may be to see saggy-fleshed oldies towel wrapped (thankfully), steam rooms are great places to hear all the scandals - from the most odious men and women alive. 

13) Tulle atrocities with 'the feeling of a major tutu' are committed at many a wedding. Frilly thingamajigos need serious streamlining to limit material massacres. 

14) ALL swans are filthy, sneaky birds. No one forgets their run in with terror, being attacked by a band of 'scary, feathery, N Sync kind of fiasco' swans. I can attest to this all too verily. 

15) 'Did you know golf courses are an environmental blight because of the chemicals they use to keep the grass green?' Those are Luke's words, I'm not as angry with the devastators of our land. 

16) Record breakingly large cheeseburgers are required after a nightmare day. It'll remind you that you've still got one good thing left in your life. 

17) All the toxins you've sweated out after taking a steam, is making you insane if you have taken to incorporating 'quite' into your sentences. 

18) Harpists are not juke boxes to annoy the crap out of. A request for Shania Twain's 'Man I feel like a woman' will not be received with rapture. 

19) When a cat is stuck under a front porch: vegetable oil and a shoe horn is needed. Though for what, I know not. 

20) A 'crazy evil spirit obsessed with bra size' is inevitably bound to take over, when taking your mother's favourite sweater without asking to borrow it. It can not sound creepier when your own mother, barks at you to get the tape measure so you can measure boobs because she's convinced your chest is totally bigger. 

21) It may not be adorable on you but little white gloves and coming out parties make some girls happy - 'if they're on prozac absolutely.' 

22) Your fruit supplier catching you about to effectively cheat on him, by purchasing strawberries elsewhere will disgust him. It makes for a painfully awkward circumstance but funny for the onlookers who watch give chase as you zig zag across streets, to explain yourself. 

23) 'Ladies cross their legs', the well-bred have to set a fine example of their genteel refinement to their audience. 

24) Girls may complain about being made to wear a poofy princess dress, but we secretly (or not-so-secretly) like how they really fly up when we twirl around. Wearing that ruffled underwear 'it's a big crowd pleaser!' unsexy though it is. 

25) 'In this age of MTV and 100 television channels who would've imagined that a young girl could still get a thrill spending a simple afternoon with her grandfather?' You may not realise beforehand that it won't be like throwing acid in your eyes but end up having a really lovely time.